Wet Hot American Summer

# Can't you see it's all over #

# For you and me, girl #

# There's a time for love and a time for letting me be, baby

# Jane, you're playing a game called #

# How hard you get by its real name #

# Making believe that you just don't feel the same #

# Ah, Jane #

Guys, we gotta get outta here.

You guys aren't supposed to be out of your bunks.

You're in trouble.

Wake up!

# Standing in the rain with his head hung low #

# Couldn't get a ticket it was a sold-out show #

# Heard the roar of the crowd he could picture the scene #

# Put his head to the wall and like a distant scream # - I'm up!

# He heard one guitar #

# It just blew him away #

You guys!

Let's go, girls! You look hot.

The bunk 5 boys are gonna freak out when they see you at kick ball. Let's go.

Ow!

All right, let's go.

Good morning, everybody.

Well, it's the last day of camp...

and it will be sad to shut down WCFW for the summer.

But not to worry, because those of you in the Bethesda/Chevy Chase area...

Can hear me all winter long on Jewish Day School Radio 89.9 F.M...

"The Fox."

For those select few of you who went all summer,

all eight weeks without finding that special someone,

today is your day, 'cause you don't wanna go back home...

and lie to your friends about a summer romance that didn't even happen.

And you don't want to be the one person...

who doesn't have anyone to kiss tonight after the talent show.

So, seize the day, Camp Firewood, because it's your last.

Coop, do you like watching me and Andy make out?

No. What a weird thing to say.

- You look so sexy in this sweatshirt. - Uh-huh.

- Your ass is so hot. - Stop it!

- Do you want to be my boyfriend? - No.

I get it. It's very funny. Stop.

Oh, Coop, you know I'm just kidding.

I know, and it's very, very funny.

Okay. I'm sorry.

- Want me to make it up to you? - No, you've done enough already.

- I'm gonna find you a woman today. - Honestly, don't worry about it.

No. And I'm not gonna rest until my mission is accomplished, okay?

Okay. then I'll cancel that order of onions and Limburger cheese I made for lunch today.

- Ha-ha. - Yeah.

- I want you inside me. - What?

Hey, what's up? I was just...

from before.

Coop, were you just talking to Katie? What was that?

That was, bar none, the longest conversation I've had with her in six years of camp.

Does she want to fuck me? Is that what she was asking you about?

Because, tell her that I will. In fact...

no, don't tell her that I will. Tell her that I might.

Victor, I hate to break it to you, but your name didn't even come up.

She definitely wants to fuck me.

Why else would she be talking to you?

- No offense. - None taken.

Hello. Hi.

- Uh, hi. - Hi. I'm Beth.

Nice to meet you. I'm Henry.

I've been seeing you around, so I thought I'd take a chance...

and introduce myself.

- Thank you. - So...

So, you work at the camp?

- I'm the camp director. How about yourself? - Me?

- I don't work over there. - No, I know.

I'm the director. I would know...

- if you were... - Right. You would know that.

I teach astrophysics over at the college in the school year.

And I came here this summer just to, you know,

relax and reflect.

Wow! You're a professor. What do you teach?

Well, like I said before, astrophysics.

I study space, stars, comets and that kind of thing.

"Space... the final frontier."

Right. Thanks for everything.

Hey! You know what? It would be a great idea...

if you came by the camp and taught the campers about space.

- No, I couldn't... - They'd love it.

No, I couldn't possibly.

- It would be just... - I said no!

Sorry. that was...

Oh, Coop. Look at Abby.

Oh, she wants to fuck me. So help me God.

She wants to fuck me.

And this time, Victor, I'm sure it's true.

I have to admit. Abby Bernstein is one of the only berry bushes...

that I have yet to pollinate, if you get my meaning.

You mean, she's the only girl at camp you haven't done it with yet?

That's exactly what I mean.

Hey, Gene. Any mashed potatoes?

Gary! Bring out the taters!

Here they are. Hey, Gary.

- Hey, dude, what's up? - Hey, guys.

What'd you say, shithead?

I said, "hey, guys." What's your glitz, Gene?

Listen to me, you fucked-up little cigarette-smoking piece of shit.

I was in the Vietnam war.

- I know. - Oh, yeah.

The 'Nam.

Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me...

as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head.

My name is Keith Stack.

From Millburn, New Jersey. State bird: The Mosquito.

And as you may have heard, I am recently...

a crowned class-b Dungeon Master.

So if any of you would like to play "D & D" today,

please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Anyone?

Alexa, maybe you'd like to join in?

We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast...

a level-five charm spell on me.

In your dreams, douche bag.

Douche bags are hygienic products. I take that as a compliment.

- Thank you. - Ewww! Ewww!

Well, we made it to the end of the summer in one piece,

Except for a few campers who are lepers.

Good one, Beth.

Thank you, Gene.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the, uh...

How do I put this? The, uh, sci-fi,

nerdy, indoor kids?

- Bunk 3. - Oh, yeah. thanks.

Hey, guys.

I'm associate Professor Neumann.

Who'd like to spend the last day at camp doing science projects?

Okay, okay. Okay, cool.

I've seen more fucked-up shit happen in five minutes out there...

than you'll see in your whole fucking life.

Gene, I'm really sorry, you know. If I could change history, I would.

Fuck you! We need to make eight gallons of bug juice by snack hour.

Do you know where the powder packets are?

In the pantry over the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream!

Wait.

Ignore that last comment.

- Did you say dick cream? - No.

I said stick team.

You know, stickball? Forget about it. Go away! Leave me alone.

I'm pretty sure he said dick cream, but...

Victor.

I need you and Neil to take The Eagles out on Moose river. I made them a promise.

It's the last day of camp. It's not gonna work for me.

- It's not gonna work for you? - No.

It's not gonna work for you. Okay, how about this as a compromise?

The Eagles are going to go out on Moose river...

- and you and Neil are going to take them. - What?

Everybody focus up. All eyes here.

I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number...

from godspell for the talent show tonight.

I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I am directing/choreographing.

I'm speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune...

don't come to the audition and waste our time.

- We're serious. - And bring a lot of movement clothes,

A.K.A. jazz shoes, dance belts, lycras, et al.

and seriously, F.Y.I., you guys,

this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities.

This is an excuse to do some good musical theater.

So, be prepared, be enthusiastic...

and leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door, 'cause we don't need it!

Hey, you guys!

Oh, I was thinking maybe we could take a walk later,

maybe go out to Gunner's Pass one last time.

Goddamn it, Katie! You're suffocating me!

I'm chokin', all right? Give me some breathing room.

I just want to spend some time with you. It's our last day at camp.

- My butt itches. - What are you talking about?

- We're soul mates, right? - What? Yeah.

Whatever, if you want. J.J., save me a waffle, man.

Andy, I'm serious. Come on.

I just want it to be special. Fuck you, dyke!

- Why are you being such an asshole? - I gotta finish my breakfast.

I love you, baby. So good talking to you.

Yeah, see you in macrame.

One last, successful B.K.F.S.T...

becomes one for the record books.

And with t-minus 11 hours to the big talent show,

we sail on aboard the good ship Firewood...

toward a little oasis that I like to call...

morning activity time.

What's going on with Silas?

You didn't hear? He got kicked out of camp. - Why?

He snuck into the office and videotaped himself jerking off. - You're kidding!

- Where's the tape? - He hid it.

- We gotta get that tape. - It's a subject matter I'm sure you're familiar with, McKinley.

- Shut up, J.J. - You shut up.

- You shut up. - You shut up.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

And one, and one. Step aside. Step aside.

All right. Stop it!

Okay, kids. Um, today we're going to use...

some crayons...

to make some decorations for the talent show.

- Is that your wedding ring, Gail? - Um, no.

I mean, yes, actually. Yes, it is. It was.

It was. It used to be, I mean, legally.

It's so twisted. His lawyer won't even call me now.