Derek

This is the day room, where they all...

This... Where they're all sort of... active.

This is about as active as it gets, yeah?

Jack.

You work here?

Every time! You know I do. I've worked here for three years.

Derek! He's deaf.

This is Dennis. He's deaf.

No, I'm not...

This is Lizzie.

Am I?

Hannah.

She's in charge.

And she's my favourite in a different way. Probably going to marry her.

She says no.

See, I makes her laugh, don't I?

You do Derek, yeah.

What?

I just thought of summat.

Are you Secret Millionaire?

- It's not Secret Millionaire. - Is it?

- No, Derek. - They say no.

Ah! Secret Millionaire says no, though.

'If you were Secret Millionaire? How much money would you give me?'

20,000?

Er, buy Hannah a house probably.

And a car.

That's what I'd do.

He said that?

He's got a heart of gold, hasn't he?

Shame more people aren't like that really.

How much is left?

I don't think there'd be anything left

if you bought a car and a house.

OK, just give it to her then.

I don't need anything anyway.

Except Hannah. She can have it.

Ah, Dougie.

All right?

Douglas. Come here.

Why?

Everyone wants to be on telly.

Well, everybody IS on the telly.

Anyone can get on the telly. I don't want to be on the telly.

Why not?

Why would I want to do that?

To show...

To show off how good my life is? Yeah?

Working here, looking like this?

Hanging about with you? This is my life. This is where I work.

This is our look. He's me best mate.

Why would I want to show that off on the telly?

He's the caretaker here, isn't he?

Yeah. I'll see you later.

All right?

Yeah, this is my

little area just down here.

Loads of stuff.

This is the main bit.

This is like my den.

All right, innit?

Well, I don't need anything fancy.

I know it's not like Alan Sugar's office. The wage isn't great.

I'm spending most of me time here anyway.

I get fed three times a day for nothing.

Slippers I get. You know, hand me downs.

These glasses aren't mine.

Someone died a few years ago.

You know what I mean? There's other perks.

Do you know why we've got such a posh computer?

Kris Marshall gave it to us. Loads of famous people give us stuff.

Look, that's me and Fern Britton. Before she was thin.

She had her stomach tied together or summat.

Anyway, Kris Marshall.

You know Kris Marshall off the BT adverts?

They're not his real kids but he's bringing them up anyway.

My favourite thing on here is YouTube.

My favourite YouTube thing is animals

and my favouritest animal thing is hamster on a piano. Listen.

See it wriggling?

He falls off, but he catches him.

Derek's my boyfriend.

No, I'm not. Why do you say that? She always says that.

I likes old people.

They're kind and they're not going to be around forever,

so be nice to them.

Old people are nicer to me than anyone else in the world.

I'm nice to you.

Yeah, Mary's nice to me,

but she's Lizzie's granddaughter.

Oh, is she?

Yeah.

I cut their toenails. They can't bend down otherwise.

They give me toffees.

I haven't got any toffees left.

What do you mean? You ain't got any toffees left?

No.

Why didn't you tell me before you started?

I've got to finish them anyway cos they're all uneven.

Ah, you're a good boy.

I'm a hungry boy.

Are you the nurse?

You've got to go now.

She's not my girlfriend.

- Derek, Derek, Derek. - What?

Take what you can get, mate.

Take what you can get.

Innit?

Not bothered.

'Derek just cracks me up.

'Everybody loves him. He's just funny.'

I just think he's hilarious.

Pudding! Who wants pudding?

What is it?

Rhubarb crumble and custard.

Ah, course it is! It's Monday. That is my favouritest of all.

Why have they already got it? Why's he already got it?

Is that bigger than mine?

I got more custard.

Who turned it over?

He did.

Right.

I was watching that.

Don't turn over. He always does that.

Oh, for... Ah!

Look at your trousers!

Does it show?

Of course it shows, it's all over the back! Come on.

He's just funny. He's just funny!

'I've been here about 15 years.

'Longer than I thought I would be.

'Yeah, 15 years.

'I left school, I didn't have any qualifications.

'I just left at 16 and then I had a job at a shoe shop, but I hated it.

'A friend of mine mentioned there was a job here.

'Like a cleaning job,

'and then it just took over'

'Yeah, I got an NVQ which was quite hard to get,

'but I got it in the end.

'I like it. I like the people.'

You just get hooked into the job and then...

It's sort of taken over my life, to be honest.

'I mean, I have hours. You know, there are shifts,

'but I'm here a lot. I'll stay here on a night off

'for company if anything.'

They keep me company because I don't want to go home to an empty house.

And here's the room I was telling you about.

This is where we do...

There's a new lady coming in today.

Annie. She's coming in.

This is Derek.

All right?

Derek works here.

Hello. Hello.

And this is Tom, Annie's grandson.

- Hello. - All right?

It's all here, innit?

It's all right, innit?

Yeah.

You got your room? Got your room ready?

My computer over there. Do you know Hamster On A Piano?

No, I don't like hamsters.

We ain't got a hamster. We've got a piano.

Oh.

But that's different...

I'm not in a relationship. Not married or anything.

I just... It's never worked out really.

'I'm probably not suited to relationships.

'I'm here a lot. I haven't got time.

'A lot of people meet at work, don't they? I work here.'

So there aren't that many eligible men.

Why d'you keep itching?

Huh?

Why do you keep itching?

Fungus.

Fungus in my hip.

Still playing up, is it?

Yeah.

My two best friends.

This is sort of my gang.

When we comes in, we comes in and Arthur goes,

"Here comes the in crowd!" Innit?

Yeah.

I don't want to be part of this crowd.

I just sort of slipped into it.

He doesn't work here.

He's the best autograph hunter in the gang.

In the world.

He doesn't autograph hunt, do you?

I don't see the point.

Buzz, mate. The buzz.

What buzz?

The rush. You get a rush.

When did you last get a 'buzz' from getting an autograph?

The McGanns. Steve, Joe, Paul.

He's got everyone. How many autographs you got?

35,000.

35,000.

My mum died, he let me move in his flat, didn't ya?

He got a council flat, so he's got a spare room cos he said