The Chaser's War on Everything

After saying goodbye in 2007, the Chesa team went their separate ways to pursue personal

projects and to find inner fulfillment.

Craig spent nine months in Ethiopia, helping a local village boot fences to keep our

bulldo and Bob Guildof. Chris moved to Hollywood where he started, Tim Burton's ill-fated

sequel, where Edward Staples removed the hands.

Julian made headlines when he was caught sucking the toes of morning TV star Kerry Ann

Kennedy and then alloped to marry the toes in a private ceremony. Andrew underwent

a rest augmentation to help him score a role in the recent underbilly series on Channel

9 and Chaz went to live with monks in a Buddha's temple where he studied meditation and enlightenment

and in return he taught the monks the finer points of political satire.

Now they're back together for another season with new 2009 cast member John Wood who only

signed on to do this opening bit. Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the new material.

Now it's the same old shite from here on in. Welcome to season three of the Chesa's War

Un-everything.

Thank you. We made it. We're on the couch now and you're

excited about the new of life.

changes the whole field on the programme.

It's very 2009, but quite a lot has actually changed.

Hasn't it since we were last on the year?

Yes, we've got a brand new prime minister, Kevin Rudden.

Rudden actually sent us a good luck message

for our first show, back in the day.

A telegram, you've got it.

So she says,

Nihao, Tamada, water.

Three fongs and Arlie.

I'll say you, Kevin.

We've actually had that translated,

and apparently it means we're the fuck is my hair dry.

But I think on the whole,

we've become a very different nation under Rudd,

a much more caring, compassionate, tolerant nation.

She's changed the way we think,

I mean, since the apology, we've become much more sensitive

when it becomes the issues of race.

For instance, particularly when you see eye- witness

voxpops at crime scenes.

There were these two wags fighting,

and the fatter wags said to the skinny wag.

Oh, he broke, you slept with my cousin, eh?

And then they pulled out of yarn and just went,

boom!

I just came out of the club,

and I saw this skinny white slapper

when the voxpop over there with the news crew.

And she was in the world,

but she was definitely a bogey and a complete bush

she'd asked in the media's light.

And I just thought, I'd put in a gun to her head

and just going, boom!

I'll say it.

I'll say it all.

That's the new language of Kevin and I just try to hear, isn't it?

But the quite a lot of else has changed in the world.

Not only does Australia have a new prime minister,

but America now has a new president,

and the footage I found someone who treats women

even worse than Sam Newman.

Yes.

What a shock at Cronullo's been having.

I mean, Maddie Johns is the only one who's been crucified

so far over that group sex scandal.

Even though there are plenty of other Cronullo players

they're involved in the sex,

and apparently standing around masturbating.

Oh, no.

They were, but surely the real question is whether

the rugby league has learned its lesson from all this.

Yeah, I don't know.

I was watching the NRL footage show this week,

and I'm not so sure they have.

Hello, Dennis.

What's Kevin and the second one?

I'm going to be in the back.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh.

Just wondering where that satire has been missing

from the ABC for the last two.

It's good to have us back, but I know Cronullo says

that that whole incident is behind them,

and they're doing their best to move forward.

So we thought it'd be interesting to test.

Where do they really are the new morally upstanding club

they now claim to be?

Exactly.

Seven years from the New Zealand incident,

how are their reactive temptation was delivered

right to their loading dock?

Good night.

Guys, you just signed for one drunk girl, thanks.

Delivery for the sharks.

Yeah, also for the girl.

Oh, thanks, mate.

Just, you know, give it to the team, all right?

Yeah, mate.

Sweet, excellent, all right.

And I won't tell anyone to deliver it, all right?

Sweet.

But of course, the sharks aren't the only organisation

to have found themselves neck deep in scandal.

The private school nox grammar has had five ex-teaches charged

with sexual misconduct back in the 80s.

Yes, well, I haven't been tried yet,

and they're entitled to the presumption of innocence,

but we did want to know how the current teachers

that school would measure up to day.

Hello, I'm starting.

Just make a board delivery.

Can you sign for it?

I love it, say.

One negative for inside.

No delivery.

Is this the one where I should start dropping?

Where do you like it?

Where do I like?

Hmm.

I'll over here then. Thank you.

That's so keen.

Where do I like it? That guy wasn't that into it.

But Craig, when it comes to sexual misconduct,

no one's faced more allegations throughout history

than the Catholic church.

Case after case of child abuse has been brought against the church,

and the Pope swears that they're turning over a new leaf.

But is that really the case?

I went to the world headquarters of the Catholic Church

in the Vatican City to test their powers of resistance.

So we invented a device for them.

It's a blip.

Young boys inside pull down if you want them.

Yes.

It's an angling attemptation rope for anyone of the priesthood to pull it down.

What a clever little man.

Many lead to it.

Is the rope grab under it, people?

Oh, does anyone take in the rope?

Go up, go up.

Oh, Jesus.

This is not easy.

It's double the moon.

Hello.

Oh, please.

Do you want me to take it down?

Take it down.

Whereabouts?

Take it down.

OK.

To the priest, one of the boys.

Australia.

Can I get a blink back?

Are you going to take in the boys?

I'm going to take that step.

Oh, yeah.

APPLAUSE

Sunday night on ABC, Billy's back on the road,

and this time he's bound for Baghdad.

I did to hear that brilliant.

They go off about every 10 minutes and I love it.

It's not brilliant thing I ever held.

From the Tigris to the Euphrates and every trouble spot in between.

There are corpses and casualties everywhere you look.

I mean, look at those guys.

They're absolutely brilliant.

And even gets caught up in some trouble, is it?

I've been kidnapped by a local Malaysia

and it's where they're the nicest guys.

They're the most brilliant rebels I've ever met.

So Settle Up for Billy Connellese,

Will, Tour of Iraq.

There's a poetry and magic about this place

that's home to discreet.

It's absolutely...

Magnumus!

And along this guy's voice is brilliant.

So, 30 Sunday on ABC One.

Now, guys, since we were last doing this show,

we haven't just got a new Prime Minister.

We've also got a new Governor-General, Quentin Brice.

Look, I have to admit, she was not my first choice for Governor-General.

She wasn't even my first choice for Quentin.

Yeah.

But look, you know, she is the first woman to get the Governor-General's job.

So, you've got to say that's a real milestone for feminism.

Yes, yes. Although she does still have a man's name.

So, it's not quite the progressive leap that some are painting it out.

Sure, sure.

But look, she can cut her ribbon as well as the next bloke, probably better.

But there's one thing that she can't do.

Traditionally, the new Governor-General is given an honorary membership

of Australia's most exclusive club, the Melbourne Club.

Well, she can't join the Melbourne Club, can she?

I mean, she's not exactly, you know, yeah.

She's not enough of a dick. Exactly.

Yeah, it's true. The Stuffy Melbourne Club

won't let women into the club.

So, even though she's Governor-General,

apparently Quentin Brice can't be a member.

Now, there's an obvious solution to this.

So, I went to the Melbourne Club to drum up some support for it.