Smashed

Charlie.

Not again.

Come back to bed, baby.

I gotta go to work and you snoozed on my alarm. I'm gonna be late.

Yeah, well, you peed on me, so I guess we're even.

I have a weak bladder.

I can't go to work like this.

You work from our kitchen.

Yeah, but my reaI job is to change the sheets.

Oh, why is it coffee tastes so much better when you make it?

Because I make it with love.

And I also make it with bacon.

All right, guys. If I were to add a C to this word...

what word would I have?

- I know. I know. - I know.

A lot of hands, I like it.

How about Hillary? What do you got for me?

- Can. - Can is correct.

Hillary, you won an all-expense-paid trip...

...to the dry-erase board. Come on. Have at it.

There's a washer-dryer combo in it. Let's see what you got.

Beautiful C. Come on, everybody, cheer her on.

That's just- That's just good stuff.

All right, what's next?

Let's try another one. Okay.

Who's got another letter we can use to make a word here?

Who's got it? Who's got it?

I'm coming for you, Ramon Martinez.

What do you got?

- P. - P is an excellent choice.

And what would that spell?

- Pan? - Pan is correct, everybody.

All right, come on down, Ramon.

You got this. You can do it. I believe in you.

Come on. Let's see what you got. To the board. Put it there.

Okay, this is very exciting.

Look. Oh, just beautiful penmanship by the-

Oh, God. I'm so sorry, you guys.

I'm so sorry you had to see that.

- Oh, my God. - Miss Hannah.

Are you pregnant?

What?

My mommy threw up when she was pregnant with my sister.

Are you pregnant?

Are you?

Yes.

Hello in there, you.

I felt you moving.

Vice Principal Davies will be able to look after your class for the day,

so that's one less thing to think about.

I feel awful for letting that happen in front of the kids, you know.

Well, don't worry about it.

Kind of comes with the territory.

And those kids, they're pretty tough.

I'm sure they've seen plenty worse.

You know, I was never able to have a child of my own and so...

Well, now I have about 200 of them.

Be carefuI what you wish for, right?

I'm so curious to know how it is for you and how you're feeling-

- Oh, you know- - And how excited you must be.

It's- I mean, it's hard to explain exactly...

- Yeah. - ... how it is, but-

It's a responsibility, isn't it?

Probably the biggest responsibility that we have.

There's a...

Thank you.

Hang on. Hang on one second. Everybody, please be good.

Is everything okay, Mrs. Hannah?

I just feel really embarrassed, but...

I feel a lot better and I wanted to thank you, so...

Well...

I know you were drinking this morning. I saw you.

What? No, no. What-?

Drinking when you're pregnant is really dangerous.

I know that.

I'm not actually pregnant.

- What? - It's just- I'm really hung over.

And the kids started asking me questions and I threw up and I just-

I...

Okay.

That's...

That's not good.

I know. I know.

Please. Please don't say anything.

Just go home.

Get some sleep.

Next up, we've got Kate.

You got this!

- Yes. - Yes.

Oh, it just fades out.

Yeah!

Okay.

Who's next?

Your turn.

Baby.

- Hey. - That was great.

- You sound like an angel. - Oh, really?

A drunk, drunk, drunk angel.

If you were gonna write about me, what would you say?

I would say that I have the sexiest...

...most amazing wife on the planet. The entire planet.

Oh, and it'd be such a shitty article and nobody would read it.

I gotta go. I got work to do.

You boys have fun.

- Goodbye. I love you. - Bye.

Goodbye. I love you.

Hey, are you okay?

You know what, girl? I am not okay.

- You're not? - No.

My bitch sister just- She just took off and left me here to go hook up...

with this asshole.

And now I don't have a car.

I don't have a ride.

- I don't know what to do. - Man.

I mean, I guess-

You could give me a ride? Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

I was gonna say call you a cab. I don't know you.

No, no, no.

No, I- It's very close.

Please?

You know, you shouldn't drink and drive.

- I wasn't- - I'm just kidding.

Can I have a sip?

I'm so thirsty.

It's whiskey, so...

Fuck, yeah, it's whiskey. I fucking love whiskey.

You are a hardcore drinking bitch like me.

I don't know about that. I don't know.

You're such a cute little bitch.

Thank you.

Hey, can I smoke in the car?

Okay. Yeah, that's fine.

Can you just roll the window down?

Of course. I'm not uncivilized.

What-? That's not what I thought you were talking about.

Do you want a hit?

Oh, what is it? Is it pot?

Of course not.

Do I look like a hippie? It's crack.

Oh, shit.

- Shit. - No. It's good crack. It's good.

- I have never done crack before. - Really?

It is amazing.

It's gonna sober your butt up too.

- Just take a hit. - All right. Okay, one puff.

You're so smart.

You're really a wise girl.

I feeI like I know what it's like to be homeless.

If you saw me, you didn't know me, we hadn't connected tonight...

...you might think, "There goes some upper-class, NPR-listening...

...lazy, liberal, self-congratulatory, never-been-through-anything-"

And it's not true. I grew up poor.

Single mother. Single mother. There was this thing at McDonald's.

They'd sell 29-cent hamburgers, 39-cent cheeseburgers...

and we would go there and she would buy 20 of them.

That was the limit.

People like us, we'd put them in a freezer.

And, yeah, I had a weight issue in high school.

I did, I admit that. But when I started drinking, I stopped eating so much.

What I'm saying is that you and me-

You and me, we are not that different.

It's okay. Go to sleep. It's fine.

- It's okay. It's okay. - Oh, babe.

I'm so glad you're okay.

Listen...

I don't think I can do this anymore.

I think I need to slow down.

- Yeah? - And...

I might need help.

Hey.

I'll help you.

Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna tell you something.

But you have to promise not to tell anybody, okay?

Okay. I promise.

I'm serious. Not even your brother.

Of course. What?

Last night, I ended up...

...kind of...

smoking crack.

Wait. What?

There was this drunk girl outside the bar. She needed help.

She needed a ride. I didn't know- I ended up smoking crack.

Wait, wait, wait.

How does that even happen?

I mean, so you give someone a ride and she rewards you with crack?

She seemed desperate, okay?

She's- She needed a ride home.

Where? Where does she live?

Downtown. I think she...

Maybe she lived in a tent.

I don't know.

- What? - I don't know.

She might have been homeless. She might have been a prostitute.

Hey. Okay.

I'm just playing devil's advocate.

Maybe it's the crack smoking...

...you need help with and not the drinking.

I'm just saying.