American Dad! - Thirteenth Season

Feeling a little tired

of America's number-one sport, football?

God, they're pathetic!

There's got to be a better way.

And there already is.

Arena football!

Unforgiving sideline barriers!

(bones crack, cheers and applause)

Water cannons!

(screams)

And you better watch out for...

the Black Knight!

It's arena football.

And the indoor thrills are coming your way

as the league welcomes its newest expansion team...

The Langley Falls Bazooka Sharks!

Finally! Yeah!

Yeah! Ah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Aah!

Old Man Hansen, do you sell Bazooka Sharks merchandise?

I'm looking for one of those Snuggies with a built-in diaper

and a place I can put my driver's license.

That blasted arena football team!

We've been here three generations,

and now they're tearing us down to put in the new stadium.

You poor old man.

This lamp sucks. I'll give you 2 bucks for it.

Mom! That is disgusting.

Taking advantage of... Wait. Half off this bird cage?

Please, I could really use this.

I foster abused birds.

I'd like to put a candle in it.

I still have one shot to save the store.

There's a town council meeting about the stadium tonight.

Tonight, eh? Oh, I'll be there.

Please don't come if you're gonna support the stadium.

It's too late.

What's to become of you with the store closing, Petruchio?

It could-a be time to find the guy who killed my brother.

Mm, now, what is this lining?

Is a fine Bemberg lining, Mr. Steve.

Bemberg, not silk.

Well, you've been right about this kind of thing before.

Snot went nuts for me in paisley.

Inseam always-a 20 inches.

I-Is that unusual?

You see, all the other boys... Bum, bum, bum,

they are growing.

You... bum, bum, bum. You hear the difference?

They go on to men's-a department.

But you stay with Petruchio.

Y-You're telling me I'm not growing at all?

Not in two years.

And it says it's been-a three days since-a you poop.

Let me see that book.

A-never.

I am not growing! Look!

Nothing's happening!

Yeah, when we flew to Hawaii last summer,

you sat on Dad's lap for free.

I haven't grown in years.

And it's actually quite liberating.

Gives me time to focus on all my other shit.

B-B-But what if I never grow again?

Look, if you really want to do something,

I know a doctor who specializes in growth treatments.

A specialist... That's where the money is.

I should probably talk to my dad about this.

Steve, you want to talk?

Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you... There's no time.

Your mother and I have to hurry

down to the town council meeting.

I hope they let me speak.

I didn't put my name on a list or anything.

Of course they'll let you, honey. You're tall.

You're right. I'm to be taken seriously.

Oh, Steve, that really ties into

what you were talking about earlier.

The sign outside needs to be updated.

And I say we just break the glass

instead of continuing this preposterous 30-year search

for the key.

And I say the key is still out there.

Agreed.

We'll now hear the last of the community objections

to the arena football stadium.

First up is Old Man Hansen.

Good people of Langley Falls,

I ask you to join me

in standing up to the no-good crooks on our city council.

These bums are lining their pockets with their dirty deals,

and they need to be hogtied and thrown down a well!

Sorry. I'm a little nervous.

You're doing great.

It's important for Langley Falls

to protect our historic places.

Also, while I'm up here, my name isn't Old Man Hansen.

It's Olmen... Olmen Hansen.

It's Swedish. I'm 43.

I think we've all heard just about enough from Old Man H.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

If you don't count our two hockey teams

and our championship basketball squad...

Go, Lizards... we have no indoor sports in this town.

We need indoor sports for the times when it's raining!

Look at this beautiful vision of the future.

It's time for us to join the ranks of the other great cities

in the Arena League Mid-Atlantic Conference.

I'm talking Wilkes-Barre, Harrisburg, Wilmington.

Wilmington!

Great cities have to move forward.

And you know what else has to move forward?

Uh, parades?

Sharks. Bazooka sharks.

Wow. Parades isn't wrong.

We can't go back to the past.

We can't go back to a time before arena football.

No go back!

(chanting "No go back")

Wait, what is this?

Oh, just some tree that's gonna be cut down

to make way for the arena.

I'd like to go back on my previous statement.

But no go back.

This stadium cannot happen.

Mr. Smith,

you've made a passionate case in favor of progress,

and now, before us and God and the Langley charter,

you mysteriously reverse your position?

You are, simply put, the most electric speaker I've ever seen.

I-I just think we're, uh, rushing into things.

That's what I'm saying.

Can someone put Grandpa to bed? I'm trying to talk here.

We went to high school together!

Let's get real, you guys. Do we even want this stadium?

Arena football is kind of lame.

Mr. Smith,

what is really going on here?

It obviously has something to do with that tree.

Now, come on. You can talk to us.

We're your town council. We love you.

All right.

If you must know, that tree...

that tree is my father.

What does that even mean?

It means he's half tree.

Question is, what's the other half?

Order, order.

Stenographer, can you read those last parts back?

And then Mr. Smith said, "That tree is my father,"

at which point, the stenographer blacked out from excitement

and the record stops.

I apologize to the council.

I ate some almonds. I'm good now.

Mr. Smith, I think we're ready to hear what you mean

when you say this tree is your father.

Okay. I'll tell you.

I was just a little...

I was just... (chair creaks)

Is everyone comfortable?

I was just a little kid.

The father-son picnic.

And, as usual, my dad, Jack, was the only one who didn't show up.

I felt so alone.

But then... then I wasn't.

After that, I came back every day after school.

I know this sounds crazy, but the tree raised me.

He taught me how to play catch.

He watched me grow.

He helped me start my first business,

even gave me my product.

Turns out magnolia juice is as poisonous as it is delicious.

And no matter what, he kept me safe.

His mighty roots connected me to something constant,

something I could depend on,

when so often life is cruel and unreliable.

He has been and always will be there for me.

Please don't kill my tree daddy.

My God, Stan.

How come I've never heard of this tree father before?

I've brought you there tons of time.

I made us have our wedding there.

Oh. I just thought you were a cheap asshole.

In light of new facts and emotions,

I move to cancel the stadium construction.

All in favor?

Aye.

All opposed?

It's Dom Fikowski, the asphalt king.

He runs asphalt in this town.

Don't you think I know that?

Y'all know me. Y'all know what I do.

I sling the hot stuff, the flat makings, the stone carpet.

I'm sure you folks are hearing a lot of objections to the arena.

Taxes, traffic, crime... So much crime.

Crime is a problem.