Lady Parts

I'm really fine not going in the pool.

Let me just show you how to do it

just one more time then.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

You take it and you put it in your hole down there.

Then you just push the bottom part.

Do you see the plastic part comes out?

And you're left with the string.

I think I'm just broken.

Broken?

I did exactly as you showed me before.

Exactly like that.

And it hurts to put it in

and it hurts the entire time it's in.

Honey, it shouldn't hurt at all.

Maybe we should try the petite sizes? Here.

Fine. I'll leave you to it.

Ah, ow.

All good?

Yep.

See? I told you.

Completely normal.

I made it in the trash can this time.

No you didn't.

Ah, fuck.

Can we what?

Yeah, it's only one of

Did you know a vodka soda is $18 now?

It's LA.

You're just now realizing

that the drinks are overpriced?

Yeah. Oh, I know.

Why don't you just have a cute guy buy you a drink?

Yeah, like, oh, what about that guy over there?

- Ooh. - And he is looking

right over here.

Smile, ladies. Hello.

I may even just go over there myself,

'cause I mean

let's be honest,

it's been a couple weeks dry spell.

A couple of weeks?

I'm getting flyers from convents.

I'm serious.

Oh my God, he's coming over.

- No, it's been a long time. - Okay, Paige?

Just go for it. Okay?

You haven't seen Dave in over a year. It's time.

Okay, yep. Hey!

- Hi. - Hi.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, no. I got this one.

I'm all set.

Well, um.

Plus they forgot my, like, $18 wedges of lime.

So, you know what? I'm, I think I'm.

Oh, okay. - Oh my God.

I'm so sorry. I'm just so drunk.

You should get her a drink.

Um. Can I buy you a drink?

Sure. Thank you.

Great.

I can't believe that worked.

Oh my God.

Her pants are soaking wet now.

I have a condom.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry. We can stop.

Oh.

I, I just, I thought you wanted to have sex.

Oh, no, yeah, no, I did, I did.

Um, I just, uh,

thought it'd be different this time.

What do you mean by different?

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

We have to stop, we have to stop.

Can we just stop for a second?

God.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I just need a second.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

You just can't enjoy it.

You're always uninterested, like it's some big chore to you.

What am I doing?

Am I too big?

No. It, it has nothing to do with you.

It has everything to do with me.

Okay, I'm not just gonna throw myself onto someone

who clearly doesn't want me.

It's not about wanting.

It just, it doesn't feel right.

Maybe those doctors are right.

Maybe you are crazy.

Maybe you need to drink a wine cooler

and chill the fuck out.

I'm not crazy.

I think I'm gonna go. It's kinda late, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

No, have a good night.

Okay, I don't know why you did this

to yourself again.

I told you not to get bangs.

I don't know why you harp on them

so much. - I'm not harping.

I love the curtain bangs. It's nice.

So my friend is a bouncer,

and he can get us access to the top floor.

- Ooh. Aren't we bougie? - Ooh!

I mean, you haven't had like a weekend off in months,

so I mean, like, we can be a bit bougie.

Yes!

Ooh, is Kylie coming?

Kylie? I thought Kylie had a girlfriend?

Wait, who's Kylie?

Not according to her Instagram story.

- Oh. - Oh my God,

you are Insta-stalking her.

You little ho.

- You know it. - Oh my.

Wait, who's Kylie?

Okay, you're online-stalking her.

I never took you for that kinda girl.

I'm so proud.

Wait a minute, Paige?

Didn't you go home with like a really cute guy last night?

Yeah!

Yeah, oh yeah,

but I mean, nothing happen-nothing happened.

What? What do you mean?

He was so cute.

He was so cute. - He was very cute.

Okay, like, we all could have gone with him,

but you got to go home with him.

Oh no, did he have like a twist off?

Oh! Yes!

What?

What? What's a twist off?

You know, a one-hander?

Oh. Oh, no, no, no, he just

Oh, I know.

Did he do that thing where he takes your legs

and he puts them up on his shoulders?

Oh, no!

He was so tall, no.

They're like not even hitting the clit, like.

- Oh my God. - Hit the clit.

That is gonna be my new campaign slogan

when I run for office.

The office of what?

I don't know. Like city council or something like that.

- Of course you would, bitch. - Okay.

Okay, well, I'm gonna text Chris tonight

and see if she can bring Kylie for you.

Ooh, bless you.

To Kylie.

Everybody's getting some tonight.

Oh, I don't have a shot.

Oh. Oh, okay.

- Sorry. - Someone give her one.

- Oh, thank you. - Sorry.

No, it's okay.

Cheers! Girls night.

- Cheers! - Well,

maybe we'll all score tonight, Paige.

- Yes, hopefully! - Cheers to getting laid!

Whoo!

Sorry, that was so bad.

I don't know why I just had vodka

and then whiskey.

Ooh, yikes.

Girl, and your wine!

What are you doing?

Okay you are Ubering her home tonight,

'cause she will puke on you.

I am not Ubering her.

Fuck!

Tell me again, what is it that you do?

Oh, I'm an executive assistant.

Hmm.

And

would you say that you take time for yourself?

Of course. Always.

Um, without fail

I will do YouTube workout videos.

And I also go to bars

and drink water there with my friends.

And I come home by 8:00 PM every other weekend.

How

May I ask you a question?

How does that

pertain to the pain

down here? - Hm.

Well, you know,

many people with anxiety

tend to keep themselves overbooked.

Hm.

Yes.

Breathing always helps.

Do it with me.

In through the nose, out through the mouth. Ready?

Ah-huh.