M*A*S*H

Fore!

Here they come!

I don't hear nothing. - Wait for it.

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately to admitting ward

and operating room.

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately to admitting ward

and operating room.

This guy's got a rapid pulse!

He's in shock! Get him down there!

We'll work on him first aid! Let's go!

Dear Dad. Hawkeye here.

You said I sounded a bit callous about my job

in my last letter.

Well, let me see if I can put it another way.

At this particular mobile Army hospital,

we're not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction

of the patient.

We only care about getting the kid

out of here alive enough

for someone else to put on the fine touches.

We work fast and we're not dainty

because, uh, a lot of these kids

who can stand two hours on the table

just can't stand one second more.

We try to play par surgery on this course.

"Par" is a live patient.

Clamp.

Clamp.

I'll debride the wound,

then we'll go in after the spleen, okay?

Okay. - Hey, Dish, look,

clean that up for us, will you?

Put some suction in there. Give me a clamp.

Clamp. - Clamp.

Wanna play a little doctor after we're finished?

Well, hurry. I think we're losing him.

Hey, Red, give us a little cross-action here.

Put in a fix, will you?

Okay, give me a moment.

Everything under control? - Uh, yeah, fine.

But if you don't move,

I'm gonna have to cut around your B-cups.

I don't want a Kelly clamp, Lieutenant!

But that's what you asked for.

Well, give me what I want, not what I asked for!

Hey, Ginger, put a clamp on his mouth!

You can show us all your diploma later, Frank.

That's enough, Captain.

Oh, clever.

I can see well enough. Now give me a sponge.

I can't see a thing in here.

Give me the retractor. - Let me have a clamp.

Which retractor? - The big one.

Hey, come on, get your seams straight, Scorch.

Gimme a clamp. -Clamp. - Here you go.

Hi.

Pierce, hold on!

Oh, lay off, Frank.

I just had a hard day at the office.

Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming in an officer,

it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!

Frank, I happen to be an officer

only because I foolishly opened an invitation

from President Truman to come to this costume party.

And as for my ability as a doctor,

if you seriously question that,

I'm afraid I'll just have to challenge you to a duel.

Swords or pistols?

I was thinking of specimen bottles, at 20 paces.

There are ladies present.

Oh, sorry, baby.

"Major," to you.

Why, sorry, Major, baby.

You're both a disgrace to this outfit.

Aw, come on, Frank!

We've all had 12 straight hours

of meatball surgery in there.

My brain is sending me urgent rest telegrams.

You must be tired, too, after all that malpractice

you put in.

You're dismissed. - Thanks, Mother.

We gotta get up early anyway and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Come on, Mary.

Some nurse this guy had. Whoo!

Oh, yeah. Was that the one with the, uh...

Yeah, yeah, right. The one I was tellin' you about.

Hi, Ho-Jon. - Hi.

She came to me once with a sore throat.

She didn't mind my examining her tonsils,

but she didn't understand why she had to take off her clothes.

That's a woman all over.

Best place for 'em to be.

Ho-Jon.

Night, guys.

I've left a call for 1967.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ho-Jon.

Hey, thanks.

Oh, finest kind.

Just like Mother used to make.

You know, we gotta do it someday...

throw away all the guns

and invite all the jokers from the North and the South

in here to a cocktail party.

Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.

You guys got mail.

Here's Hawkeye.

Trapper. - I don't feel like mail.

Go ahead. Open it.

They can't draft you again.

Bad news from my wife. She still loves me.

Would you believe this?

She still thinks I got sent to Korea

as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.

Well, didn't you? - Yeah,

but how did she figure it out?

Hey, Ho-Jon! Come here.

Sit down.

I got a letter from Dean Lodge.

Is that a good place to stay?

Ha ha. He's the head of my Alma mater.

Listen to this.

"Dear Hawkeye... as Dean of the college,

I naturally remember you very well."

After my first autopsy, I mailed him a nervous system.

"Your request to enter the Korean boy Ho-Jon

"seems one of your nobler gestures,

"and since his academic record meets our requirements,

"we will be pleased to accept him this fall,

"provided you can get him here,

"and also send me $1,000 tuition before the 15th.

"It was good hearing from you.

"If you do to the Army, what you did to this college,

"America is finished." Ha ha.

"Yours sincerely," et cetera, et cetera.

Hot dog! - (Laughing)

Hey, that's terrific!

How can I ever thank you?

You just go back there

and become the best possible you you can.

I go tell my folks. - Okay.

Where are we gonna get $1,000?

It's more like 2,000, you know,

with transportation and clothing and everything.

He can stay with my parents, so there's no problem there.

Maybe we could sell Spearchucker while he's asleep.

Must be something we can sell.

What does everybody want here?

What...

what do all these people want more than anything else?

To go home, or, uh, Tokyo. Whichever comes first.

What do they really want?

Sex.

Ah.

Except for those baseball perverts.

Let Radar print up some tickets,

and you make up a sign.

Mind telling me what we're gonna put on the sign?

All you can drink. Ten bucks a head.

Giant door prize.

Weekend pass for two in Tokyo.

Lucky winner to share the company of a gorgeous nurse.

You wanna raffle off a nurse?

Is that what I said?

Yes, sir. - Radar!

Radar, don't do that.

Yes, sir, you wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, but let me say "I want to see you,"

before I see you.

Yes, sir. You wanted to see these?

How did you know that? - That's why you called me.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, you wanted me to take those, sir.

Yeah.

Captains Pierce and McIntyre to see you, sir.

Show them in.

Men.

How are you, Henry?

How are you, Henry?

That's not what you guys came to ask.

I mean, the last thing you wanna know when you say.

"How are you" is how am I.

All right, Henry, let's skip the gristle

and get right down to the bone.

Now, what we want from you is two weekend passes,

so we can raise this tuition.

Yeah, what we wanna do is raffle them off,

along with the company of one of our nurses

whose heart and everything else is in the right place.

Seems like a good enough cause.

Why don't I trust you guys?

'Cause we're not trustworthy. - Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

How do I know you're on the level?

Which nurse have you conned into doing this?

Well, I haven't approached her yet,

but there can be only one choice.

A girl with a face that doesn't quit.

A girl with so much body,