Cougar Town

Aw, remember last year's 4th of July barbecue?

Look, there's Bobby lighting fireworks.

Mm.

There's Bobby on fire.

There's you laughing at Bobby on fire.

I love that picture of me.

These pictures skip from Labor Day to New Year's.

How did we miss Thanksgiving?

Remember, our schedules got all mixed up?

We all went away, and none of us really knew

when we were coming back.

Guess what? Tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving.

Or we celebrate Thanksgiving in the fall.

What if we're not around next fall?

What if a new group comes in and replaces us?

- Oh. - Everybody's gonna be like,

"What happened to the Cul-De-Sac crew?

I miss them.

Who are these new people? They're not so good."

No.

Okay, guys, I have an announcement.

And, no, Andy, for the last time,

we're not having dueling slumber parties.

Damn! I'm never gonna get to do a panty raid.

Dream bigger, dude.

Look, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday

because I get to tell the people I love

how much I appreciate them.

Since we missed last year,

I've decided that tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Oh, well, as long as we're making things up,

I won't be able to attend.

I'm driving to Georgia to adopt a baby unicorn.

I don't want to celebrate Fakesgiving.

We're not calling it that.

- Everyone's calling it that. - Yeah.

Yeah. Besides, Jules, I have to work tomorrow.

Thanksgiving is always on Thursday.

You should probably take Friday off, too.

Lot of fake shopping sales.

Sorry, J-Bird, tomorrow is Nickel Taco at Nickel's Tacos,

not to be confused with Nickel Taco, which sells

tacos every day for a nickel, but they're just not as good.

Listen, hillbilly, you and everyone else here

are coming to Jules' Thanksgiving.

You might be brave enough to say no to her.

Are you brave enough to say no to me?

Go ahead. Say something, Jelly. I dare you.

Damn, Torres.

If you were a dude,

I'd be super turned-on right now.

I would wear you out.

Nanny text. Wonder what Stan did now.

Your son tagged my garage?

Got some good handwriting.

Right?

Relax. I buy him washable paint.

Why would you buy him any paint?

The kid's totally out of control.

Please. Kids get into trouble.

That's what they do.

He has so much spirit.

She makes excuses for Stan when she should be punishing him.

Tell her. She's being a bad mom.

No, no, no. You do not want to go there.

Telling a woman she's a bad mom is, like,

the most offensive thing you can say to her.

I was at the zoo in 1994.

I gave Travis two ice-cream cones.

Then this woman from Omaha decides

to make a comment about it.

Next thing you know, I'm getting escorted out

of the park with a chunk of hair in my hand.

Hey. I heard you guys are having a Fakesgiving.

No one's calling it that.

Everyone is.

Well, you are welcome to join us.

Oh, thanks, but I'm scheduled

to perform aneurysm surgery.

You know, if you don't catch it quick...

For a brain surgeon, that guy drinks a lot of beer

when he's not brain surgeoning.

Hey, I have set my clock to count down to our wedding.

We only have four months left...

Be more insane.

And guess who is crushing it at writing her vows?

I want my vows to be just crazy romantic.

All Bobby said was, "You're awesome. Nice hoots."

And then he motorboated me.

You better bring your "A" game,

because my vows are so good, they'll blow you away.

You haven't written your vows, have you?

Not a word, but Grayson needs all the time he can get.

You know, he's not great at expressing his feelings.

This box shows more feelings than he does.

Look. Mm. Mm. Wah.

Aw, this box is sad.

How did Stan even get down here?

Oh, no. He was asking me a lot of questions

- about the bus schedule. - Oh.

- Ladies. - Ugh.

Well, if it isn't my competition for this year's mayoral race.

You're really running for mayor?

No big deal.

It took 5 minutes to sign up and 19 years

in the business world to prepare.

Excuse me.

Well, I'll see you at the pizza toss, chump.

See you at the what what?

Oh, it's some dumb publicity stunt

at an Italian restaurant.

They get all the candidates together,

and they toss pizzas for the photographers.

Oh, my God. Andy.

You have to toss the crap out of that pizza.

One bad photo op can ruin a campaign.

Look... When we hear stuff about taxes and schools,

we just tune out.

All we ever remember about candidates

is who traded sex for crystal meth,

who shot and ate a dolphin,

and who looked like a moron with pizza dough on his face.

Come on.

Oh, I forgot to wash

the gravy boat out from last year.

Oh, no worries. It's easier to peel off

when it hardens, anyway.

Oh, wow.

That is both disgusting and awesome

all at the same time.

So what did Ellie want?

Hmm?

Come on. That whole gettin' in our faces and yellin' at us

to support you-- That's a classic butter-up.

What are you talking about?

That's when you do something for someone--

When you want that someone to do something for you.

I did it when we were married all the time.

You remember when I wanted that pool?

I told you I'd never cheat on you again

and how much I loved you,

and I gave you a foot rub and whatnot.

Then I asked you for a pool, and bam! I got a pool.

And two months later, you banged the pool guy's wife in it,

and I learned the meaning of irony.

You're welcome.

Ellie's my friend. There's no strings attached.

She just wants me to be happy.

Big Carl. Mm.

Don't ever leave me, buddy. Mm.

You talk to him a lot?

Only after you go to bed.

Hey, slick.

How are you coming with those vows?

Here's a little bit.

That's a good start. Whatever.

You know what would make tomorrow extra special?

If Grayson got to hear your vows at dinner.

What?!

I showed you mine. You show me yours.

Classic schoolyard rules, huh?

I can't wait to say them.

Why would you do that?

For fun.

I can't believe you brought that box home.

Writing vows is really hard.

It's terrible.

"Grayson, there are so many great things about you.

For instance, I've never seen you hit a child."

Wow. All right.

Um, I'd help you with this romantic stuff,

but this here-- Jet-black cave full of bats.

You'll figure it out, sweetie.

Can I ask you a little favor?

I was wondering,

do you think Stan could be the ring bearer at your wedding?

It would mean so much to me to have him there.

Plus, he'd look so cute in his little tux.

- Wouldn't he? - Yeah, eh--

Hey, E-biscuit.

Stan's outside trying to lasso a puppy.

He is getting good with that extension cord.

He's an athlete. Mm.

Go ahead.

That bitch just buttered me up.

Hey, y'all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fakesgiving.

Shush it. Okay, um, Laurie, I have to ask you,

because you just never know.

Is that a costume or a real outfit?

It's a costume.

Did you guys really think this was my outfit?

Besides Thanksgiving, I also missed Halloween last year

because I was getting that tattoo removed

from my upper left drumstick,

and then on Christmas, I passed out on the booze cruise

that turned out to be a cruise cruise,

and I woke up in Belize, so today I'm gonna represent

all three holidays that I missed.