Fahim Anwar: There's No Business Like Show Business

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

Fahim Anwar!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for coming

to my special, guys.

Really cool to be shooting it

here in L.A.

I've lived here

for, like, ten years now,

and I don't love it,

just because everyone out here

is trying to make it, you know.

Everyone's delusional.

Like, you could walk up to any

random person in Hollywood

and be like,

"Hey, I'm a big fan."

And they'd be like, "Thank you."

"Thank you,

really appreciate it."

Even if they were just a walker

on "The Walking Dead."

They'd be like, "You're familiar

with my work, yeah.

Does this ring a bell?"

"That's me.

"That's me, bro.

"Lot of lozenges that day,

you know?

Just got to coat the throat."

It's so funny.

Like, nobody wants

to grow up out here.

Everyone has Peter Pan Syndrome.

That's why everyone

dresses so weird in L.A.

It's like everyone's closet

in Hollywood

is just a lost-and-found box.

You know?

They're like, "All right,

Friday night, what do we got?

"We'll do vest

with no shirt on.

"Sombrero in ski boots.

All right."

Everyone on Sunset Boulevard

just looks

like a Sims character.

"Hey, what's up,

you want to fuck?

"No, all right, keep walking.

"What's up, you want to fuck?

"No, all right, same as...

okay, yeah.

Don't get discouraged."

I live a little

outside of Hollywood.

I live in Koreatown.

Yeah.

You know you're not doing well

when you live

in another ethnic group's town.

There's this McDonald's

I'll go to sometimes,

just to get out of the house.

And...

You got to break up the day,

you know?

So I go there, I get a tea,

the guy gives me the tea,

and I go,

"Do you have any honey?"

And he goes, "Honey?"

Like I just blew his mind.

Like he's never heard

of that combo before.

I go, "Yeah, honey."

He goes, "Mm, let me check."

He goes in the back

for way too long.

I don't see him

for, like, 20 minutes.

And then he pops out

and he goes,

"We've got, like,

honey mustard."

Like, why...

why would you suggest that?

Like that's even an option.

Is anyone like, "Oh, yeah,

that's the same shit.

"Yeah, bring that out.

"Do you have any barbecue sauce

or chipotle mayo?

"I'm trying to make

the most disgusting cup of tea

"ever known to man.

"Do you have a raw hot dog

you could plop into there?

"The tea will cook it.

It'll be like a fucked up

version of pho."

Like, that went through

several logic gates in his mind,

and he was still like,

"We got honey mustard,

"in case you got, like,

a coffee filter

"and you can, like,

filter out the mustard.

"Maybe you got, like,

a butane lighter

"and you can burn off

the mustard.

"You can MacGyver

some honey out of this, dog.

"Just don't give up.

I believe in you."

I was walking

around my neighborhood.

It was a super sunny day,

and then it just started raining

out of nowhere,

like, really hard.

And I passed this block,

and there was this Mexican dude

selling all these umbrellas.

And I was like,

that was pretty fast.

Like, where did he get

all those umbrellas that fast?

And then I realized,

Mexicans in L.A.

are just always selling

what you need

before you even know

you need it.

You ever been on a romantic

dinner date with a girl,

and then out of nowhere,

they're just like, "Roses?

Hmm...roses?"

Just like the "Duck Hunt" dog.

Just, "Roses?"

You'll be coming

out of a club at 2:00 a.m.,

like, "Oh, fuck, man,

I'm starving."

"Tacos?"

"Tacos that I grill

on a shopping cart?"

Business was slow over here.

I like how no one will eat

at a B-rated restaurant,

but they'll eat

at shopping cart tacos all day.

"Ah...it's all good, dude.

"Oh, dude, ten tacos

for a nickel.

"That's crazy dude.

How do they...

It's nuts."

They're just always

selling what you need

before you even know

you need it, you know?

Like, your plane

could be going down,

you look in the aisle,

there's a Mexican guy like,

"Parachute?"

"Parachute.

Senor, parachute for the lady?"

"It's good to do...

for the lady."

There's a lot of pigeons

in my neighborhood.

I like pigeons.

Pigeons are like

the hipsters of birds,

because they have

the ability to fly

but choose not to.

They're like,

"What are you, flying?"

"Yeah, I used to do that.

This is my new jam."

I was sitting on a bench

in my neighborhood

in front of this, like,

huge flight of stairs,

and I thought

this pigeon was gonna,

like, flap down all of them,

but he literally