Workaholics

I have a great Aunt who lived to be, like, 129.

Oh, cool, that's physically impossible, so nuts.

No, Derch, physics have nothing to do with it.

- She was a human hero. - Well, how'd she die?

Gunfire... cops shot her.

- Oh. - What?

Yeah.

- Whoa, what the fug? - You have 20 minutes

to clean this up.

What? We didn't do this.

- What are these, capes? - All right, who was it?

Your mama.

Waymond, you're being uncharacteristically quiet.

Did you do this to us? Is this your doing?

'cause if you did, we're gonna come back at you...

So hard.

That's right, 'cause anybody who comes at us...

Know that we come back at you twice as hard.

- Preach. - That's right.

You want us to come hard? You got us to come hard!

- So seriously guys... - I come hard in my sleep!

All right, all right. Waymond...

I will shit on you!

Here's the deal. Waymond, you gotta fess up,

unless you want three dudes on top of you coming hard.

- In three, two... - Bazinga!

- You guys do this? - B-rad is back, baby, yes!

- Oh, he's coming up top. - Yeah, get him out of here.

There we go. There we go.

- Yeah. - Oh, we're giving birth.

Giving birth to a B-rad. There he is.

- All right, man! - There he is.

Everybody, dust him off.

B-rad, it's good to see you, man.

- You're looking pretty fit. - Looking good, dude.

What are you doing in town?

Also, why'd you come at me so hard, bro?

You came at us so hard with all these popcorn... s.

It was a joke, you bitch!

- Whoa. Shots fired. - I'm in town

to do a ride-along with the police,

'cause I'm writing a cop novel.

- Cool. - Wow.

- Gritty stuff. - I bet, dude.

But Alice wanted me to stop by for the roast.

- Roast? What roast? - Yeah.

Oh, Monday is Bill's

20th anniversary of working at Telamericorp,

so we're roasting him.

- Cool. Yeah. - Oh, nice.

All right, so, like, how many snaps should we write?

Yeah, can we work blue? Can we cuss?

And also, who's Bill?

Oh, actually, Alice said

you guys don't get to do the roast.

- Really? - Uh, why wouldn't

the three funniest guys in the office be roasting him?

You're not funny.

I'm not funny? Me?

Adam, "The... The Laugh Ki... The Laugh... uh...

Giver" Demamp.

Mm-hmm.

I know all 101 sick jokes for twisted kids.

Oh, Alice, you want to know the difference

between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand?

I don't eat sand.

Fine. Whatever.

- You'll let us roast? - Yes.

Yes! Nice.

- Yes. - So cool. I got this thing...

Hey, you honestly don't think I'm funny?

Just me, not talking about those guys.

You've honestly never said one thing I have ever found

at all funny, bro.

What do you know about funny?

Chicks aren't funny. Dudes are funny.

Hangover 2 rules. Bridesmaids drools.

I don't care what anybody says.

We're the funniest people in this office.

- Funnier than that dad. - I'm funnier than she is.

Got a subscription to "Suicide Illustrated!"

Wait.

Now Bill is trying to get a snack?

Bill! You still gonna end up eating what you always eat.

Your big-ass boogers in your nose!

Hey, you know, I see what you're doing, Bill.

He's trying to make jokes about you, but it's, uh...

it's "snot" funny.

It... it is... it's snot funny.

- Snot. - I said "snot,"

because the boogers... With the snot.

- Hey, uh... - What the...

Bill's so bald, right? He looks like he, uh...

like he's a cancer patient!

Death bed!

This dude, um, he's a human...

One time, I seen that motherfucker dookie in his drawers!

Dookie! Dookie!

You know, maybe Montez is right.

Maybe I'm not an hysterical dude.

- Hey! - I won't listen to it.

You are funny, okay?

No one has given me more laughs in this world

- than this guy. - Yeah.

Adam "the laugh giver" Demamp.

Yep.

- Thank you. - I mean, sure, Montez has

- broad appeal, right? - Sure.

We'll give him that. But I'm sorry...

I have a more refined, dry, British sense of humor,

a la the funniest movie of all time, Austin Powers.

- No. - Oh, please! Funniest movie of all time,

no questions, Wayne's World One.

No, sir.

You guys like the big blockbusters.

That's cool. That's fine. Me, personally...

indie comedy.

That's what I'm into.

I'm talking about Indian comedy.

Very, very, very hot right now.

Love Guru? That's the future of comedy.

You guys are out of your minds.

I hope I'm not interrupting a circle jerk.

- No, we were just... - We're not circle-jerking.

Although this would be the room to do it in.

Where the weed at? Bring it, baby. Bring it.

- He's back. - Party beast.

What are you dick gymnasts squawking about, anyway?

Oh, man, I don't know.

We just want to be the stars

of the roast, but that Montez guy...

- he has so many snaps. - Yeah.

- 'tez is a cartoon character. - Mm-hmm.

I don't find him funny.

Yeah, I mean, t-these people...

they're not gonna understand my party tricks.

I've got party tricks. I have this one where I eat

60 ketchup packets, and then I don't vomit.

I will tell you the secret to a good roast.

Know your target, inside and out,

- and then hit 'em where it hurts! - Whoa.

- I thought he was gonna hit me. - He's right.

Montez knows Bill way better than we do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but he knows work Bill.

He doesn't know the real Bill, weekend Bill.

We gotta get to know weekend Bill.

Weekend Bill.

We've gotta get to know weekend Bill.

Wait, who's Bill, again?

The reason Wayne's World works...

- Guys, think I can touch this? - I know your mouth is moving,

but it's weird that you're not saying anything.

- I touched that. - It's about real dudes.

Comedy is not about jokes.

Did you guys see how I just touched that?

- It's about shedding light... - It's like ten feet in the air.

- And Austin Powers does that. - Here, shh! Here it is.

- Come on. - Number eight.

Holy yoga, dude! He's a yoga dude.

Oh, we can destroy him. No one likes yoga dudes.

Dude, it funny because, like, girls do yoga, and he's a guy,

- and he's doing yoga. - Yeah, that is why it's funny.

- Right? - Yeah, we're really finding,

you know, the depth of the comedy.

- We're really digging deep. - Right. What's he doing...

Now, though?

- Oh, my God. - Naked yoga.

What?

Oh, my God, he's a "naked yoga" guy.

Wait, is he... God, he's sucking it.

Yes! We're gonna skewer him with this!

Ugh.

You really think we can make fun of him for this?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

What are you talking about? This is amazing.

He's like a superhero. We can't reveal his superpowers.

I'm sorry. Does this not come across to you as just

the gayest thing you've ever seen?

I think it's gay not to sip your own tip.

That means you don't like blow jobs that much,

and that's, like, the gayest thing in the world.

Right.

Uh, guys, I think he's about to...

okay, let's take a lap. Let's take a lap.

Oh, God, he's in there.

What's he doing?

I know exactly what that is.

It's medical cream for eczema, without a doubt.

Okay, so he's a street performer with eczema.

- This is... Sad. - This is great!

We have so much good stuff for the roast.

What? What's funny about unlimited self-blow jobs

and getting paid to do the robot?

Nothing.

I'm jealous of this dude.

We're coming up dry.

We can't make fun of him for this.

I'm not doing this again, dude.

Just tell me what you want.

Jesus Christ! Okay, fine, ham?