The League of Gentlemen

Top banana!

- Vinnie! - I'm doing the games!

Never mind the games, dear. We've lost a bag!

- What? - We've lost a bag.

I was upstairs doing the bags, a gust of wind comes along

- and - whoosh! - it's gone! - The bag?

Whoosh! Somebody must have left the window open.

That Meryl!

- What bag was it? - It was pink, I think.

- It's shook me right up. - Are you thirsty?

- No, I don't do Thursdays. - No, dear. Thirsty. Thirsty.

- All right! No need to be rude. - I'm not being rude.

You are. Ooh, I've got stitch.

Anyway, how you getting on with the games?

All right. I've put the top hat from Monopoly in Mouse Trap,

I've put the cage from Mouse Trap in Cluedo,

and I've stuck Professor Plum in Colditz!

- (BOTH CACKLE) - That'll show 'em.

- What about the rules? - All in here.

I'll come early tomorrow, dear, and help with the jigsaws.

- What? A piece out of each? - Yeah. See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Oh! Oh! Reenie! There's the bag!

Silly old bag...

Vinnie! Vinnie, we've got some stuff!

Clothes, is it? Yeah, it's clothes, dear.

You wanna come and have a look. Nice big bag as well.

Now, what have we got here? Ooh, some gloves.

Some gloves, dear. Got to get a few pence for these.

What else? Ooh, a dress!

You'd like this dress, Vinnie.

Few holes in it, though.

Now, then. What's this in 'ere?

Teeth! Never had teeth before.

Old woman's teeth, Vinnie!

Old woman's teeth.

And a hat. One of those hats that you...

Hat...teeth...

..dress, gloves...

Oh, Vinnie!

Oh, Vinnie!

It's all good stuff, dear.

It's all good stuff. (SOBS)

They call 'em Disney Classics. Some aren't even a year old.

Shelley, come here.

Tell our new projectionist which is the best dog cartoon.

I say "Fox and Hound".

- Tell 'im, Shelley. - "All Dogs Go to Heaven".

Thank you. "All Dogs Go to Heaven." Don Bluth, 1989.

It piddles over your "Fox and Hound".

- But it's good film. - It's all right.

"All Dogs" has Burt Reynolds.

You've got Mickey bloomin' Rooney. I rest my cause.

- I need a word... - You see,

there's nothing you can tell me about dog films.

People used to say, "Kenny, a dog cinema? You're crackers!"

"Where's the variety??" I'll give you flickin' variety.

Just off the top of me 'ead - "Look Who's Talking Now",

"Beethoven's Second", "Zoltan, Hound of Dracula".

As a triple bill, that'd be up there with the "Godfather"s.

- How many were in last Sunday? - 37.

A double bill. "The Shaggy Dog", "The Shaggy DA".

I saw lads wi' shaven heads pissing themselves laughing.

- Boss... - 1976 and fresh as a daisy.

Boss, I've got some news.

What? Don't say they've let me down on "Cujo".

- No. - Thank God for that.

I've got a party of goths coming from Leeds.

- It's Dougal Siepp. - You what?

He's back.

Here we go. Now, then... This is where you stand, Keith.

- (CAMP VOICE) Right. - I'll be doing the bags.

Did you have bags at the Spastics', dear?

We did, but it's called Scope now.

- What's that? - You said Spastics'.

- They're Scope. - Oh! Vinnie!

No. So did you work with many bags at the Scope, dear?

One or two. Speaking of bags, I brought in some stuff.

- Charity begins at home. - Lovely. Good stuff, is it?

It's costume jewellery from my am-dram days.

I fell out with the costume designer,

but aren't these so right for Banquo?

- Excuse me? - Yes, dear.

I bought this games compendium last week.

- There's a few pieces missing. - I'll be upstairs, dear.

Keep the bag.

- Sorry, you were saying? - There's some draughts missing.

I've got these buttons from "The Diary of Anne Frank".

I snipped them off a Nazi. They're quite a good match.

- What else? - A counter for Connect Four.

Hmm... Tricky. My ruby brooch should slip down your crack.

OK...

Yeah, and I'm also missing a black queen.

There's no answer to that, is there?

- Use this thimble. - Thanks very much.

- You've been very helpful. - Not at all. See you again.

I'm just glad he had a full set of tiddlywinks.

Hello? Keith Drop.

Hello, Eve. How are the costumes?

Right. Oh, you're joking?

Tonsillitis? So who can we get to play the Nazi?

Wherez this Anne Fraaa?!

Ah'm a Nazi!! I gunna keel you, Anne Fraaank!!

Good eve...

Good afternoon.

My name is Dean Tavalouris.

I'm about to go out onto the streets of Royston Vasey

doing my magic and all my tricks.

Dean, have you fed them fish?

Mam! I'm doin' me programme!

The power of the human mind, madam!

The power of the human mind, sir?

The power of the human mind, sir?

- Eh? - I'm here in Royston Vasey

doing magic for my programme.

Is he talkin' to us. Tell him no.

These are my friends, all 52 of them.

Look, Frank.

- Is this for the telly? - Yes. It's on in the fall.

Now, look at these. All normal, nowt wrong with 'em.

Right. 'Ere, hold me bag.

Now, pick a card, is it?

You won't know it. I thought this up.

- Hurry up. It's freezation. - Thank you, my friend.

Now take a look at this.

Eh, our Jack's got one of these. It's an Instamatic.

Careful! That cost loads.

I said I'd get those Hoover bags.

Oh, aye! Look who it is!

All right, Frank. It's not getting any warmer, is it?

Excuse me. This is a magic camera.

It sees all the thoughts within your 'ead.

- What's all this, then? - He's doing a conjuring trick.

Oh, aye? Do I have to pick a card?

No, I've already done that. Now...

They look nice, them parsnips.

- Have you tried Binns? - It's Hammonds now.

- Was this your selection? - Eh?

Your card. Was this your card?

Sorry, son. I can't remember.

Was your card the card in the picture?

I couldn't tell you, son. I honestly couldn't say.

- Did you see it? - Come on, Frank. It's bitter.

You take a good picture, Frank.

What is wrong with people round here?

What is wrong with people?!

Here we are. Two teas.

Ooh, thanks. I'm spitting feathers.

Now, how you getting on with the book?

All right. I did it in pencil like you said.

- Now I'm going over it in pen. - That's right. Nice and bold.

Bold and blue! I'll be upstairs if you need me, dear.

Right.

Hello. Sorry to bother you again.

- We're just closing, actually. - It won't take long.

- It's just about this brooch. - Oh, didn't it fit?

It's not that. I wanted to ask where it came from.

- In there. - No, I mean originally.

I don't know. I've just started working here, I'm afraid.

I was under the impression these items were yours.

Yes, well, some of them are. Let's have a look at it.

You see, my wife had a brooch just like that.

- They're very common. - Yes,

but she was wearing it when she went missing.

Look, in this photograph. She's been missing ten months now.

They are very similar, but I'm afraid I can't help you.

May I look through the box?

Go ahead. I'll just be a minute gathering my things.

How long has she been missing now?

Ten months. A lot of women went missing in this area.

Around the time this circus came to town...

She's my wife...!

Now, what the bloody hell's goin' on?

Dougal Siepp was the assistant manager.

He persuaded Mr Harris to branch out into cat films.

I was a bloody fool. Cat films are shit.

- What about "That Darn Cat"? - Oh, fuck off.

There's not the variety in felines.

But Siepp was a stubborn sod. He wouldn't give way.

Then the rot spread. Films with tenuous links.

He tried to persuade me to put on "Pet Sematary".

I said, "We've got a rule. The mutt's the star."

- What does it say outside? - Dog Cinema.

Thank you. Tell him what was the last straw.

Mr Harris was in hospital.

With bowel cancer. Thank God they caught it early.

I come out, what were he showing?

- "Rock-A-Doodle". - "Rock-A-Flickin'-Doodle"!

I went apeshit. I screamed at him,

"Dougal Siepp, that movie is about a chicken that sings.

"You know what's behind this venture. Clear your desk,

"get your Garfield and get out."