The Great Indian Kapil Show (द ग्रेट इंडियन कपिल शो)

Come on!

Hi! Hello! Greetings! Very good evening!

And welcome to The Great Indian Kapil Show, season two!

I welcome you all to our new season.

In this season, we will celebrate India

and entertain the entire world.

Because throughout the entire world,

not one country celebrates the way India does.

Here, we celebrate the entire year.

If you've noticed, the New Year celebration

begins on 31st December.

And many people are unable to celebrate on 1st January.

They party so hard the night of the 31st,

they get bailed out straight on 6th January.

Bailed out!

So, for many people, their calendar begins on 6th January.

If you take a look at this calendar,

the holidays are lined up.

Lohri, Sankranti, Holi, Eid, Easter, Rakhi, Janmashtami,

-Navaratri, Diwali. -Wow!

By the time Christmas arrives,

we return to celebrating the New Year.

Okay, all religions have their specific holidays.

Also, there are holidays to celebrate the birthdays of great people.

These great people never took any leave to celebrate their birthdays.

-Yes. -They worked to build the nation.

-However, we take a holiday on those days. -Yeah.

We even message each other.

"Buddy, I hope you remember that we won't get it tomorrow."

"Better liquor up today... I mean, fetch and stash it."

Compared to the rest of the world, Indians get the most holidays in a year.

In spite of this, our nation is still reaching new heights.

It means that Indians are so efficient

that we do more work in less time and deliver great results.

Go to any country in the world and you'll find an Indian doctor.

Isn't that something to be proud of?

What's even more impressive is that when they fall ill,

they come to India for treatment.

-Yes. -Treatment here is cost-efficient.

The money spent fixing one tooth abroad

could cover the cost of replacing both kneecaps in India.

With the remaining money, they can buy 250 grams of pure shilajit.

Because, you know, after a certain time,

Surjit, Daljit, Baljit are of no use,

only shilajit matters then.

By the way, being economically cheap is another quality of India.

The money you use to sight-see one city in Europe

-is enough to travel half of India. -True.

To prevent people from thinking our country is expensive,

we've also kept our currency's value lower.

We give 84 rupees for every US dollar.

Some of our shopkeepers charge 90 rupees for an item that costs ten rupees

-when they see a foreigner... -Yes!

...and diminish the difference between INR and USD.

How much is it?

-One pani puri, 100 rupees. -A hundred rupees!

Yes, sir.

-Here you go. -Yes, sir.

On the other hand, we have people

who organize free community kitchens all over the world

and feed people.

No one is better than us when it comes to helping others.

PANI PURI CHAAT STALL

True.

We always say that we are the sons of our nation.

But that's not the case. We also have some sons-in-law

who litter just about anywhere.

For such people, the late Atal Bihari Vajpayee sahab once said,

"We have stepped on the moon."

"However, we still don't know how to walk on land."

Wow!

Look at India's legacy. You can go anywhere in the world,

and you will find a couple of forts.

But here, if you visit any state, you'll find numerous forts.

The kings of the past built forts

the way we create family groups on WhatsApp.

I heard about a few kings who had forts with over 50 rooms

and an equal number of queens to occupy them.

-Yes. -He would fight with one wife,

retreat to another room and find yet another wife there.

"Welcome, my lord. How did you remember me today?"

And he'd reply, "I'm just making a casual visit."

Many of our palaces are being used to host weddings nowadays.

-Yes. -People come here from abroad

to host destination weddings. Because even they feel

that if kings could have hundreds of successful marriages,

-they'd have a chance with just one. -Indeed!

Recently, Ambani sahab's son got married in our country.

Yes.

Baahubali had a theatrical run of three months,

the wedding went on for eight months.

The wedding was so lavish, guests were served food in silverware.

Someone said that they were tempering the dal with 24-carat gold.

-Oh, God! -Yes, it's true.

-Those who had the dal... -Yes?

...were unsure whether to visit the washroom or a jeweler the next morning.

Dinesh went there as well, along with Mika paaji.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

He had 12 bowls of dal.

I asked him why and he said, "I want to make a gold bracelet."

He requested the cook to add extra tempering.

When a wedding happens in a middle-class family,

our uncles get upset if there's no paneer at the wedding feast.

Or if they don't get a picture with the bride.

For them, that wasn't a problem.

They had a different set of problems instead.

"I clicked a picture with Chunky Panday, but couldn't get one with Kim Kardashian."

In India, family is very important during a wedding.

Germany designed a bike for two people.

Our people added a trolley and expanded it to accommodate 12.

Sometimes, in such situations, you can't even see the bike.

You will be amazed to see people moving like this!

It's true!

Even the police get confused seeing such vehicles.

"Shall I fine this vehicle as a bike or a minibus?"

-Look at this. -Hey! I said stop!

The people of India are quite emotional.

And they're most emotional when the topic is about mothers.

In a movie, Amitabh Bachchan sahab says a heavy dialogue.

"I have wealth, property, and a business. Everything."

Shashi Kapoor sahab says only one thing.

-"I have a mother." -Yes.

That's it! The end! End of argument!

That made all the jobless mama's boys happy.

-"I have a mother!" -We have our mothers!

No one knows if anyone has a father.

All emotions stem from a mother.

"Caring like a mother." "As sweet as a mother's love."

"Food prepared by a mother."

If you visit a dhaba, you'll find that all the cooks there are fathers.

Are fathers!

You must have heard of Maa ki Dal. Have you ever heard of baap ke chole?

Maa ki Dal. No one has heard of baap ka bharta.

However, he is smashed every day!

Sometimes, by his wife. Other times, by his kids.

-He is smashed every day. -But no one talks about it.

Even a shoe doesn't sell in the name of fathers.

But if kids didn't fear their fathers' shoes,

we wouldn't be as well-behaved.

Everyone would have been like the sons-in-law.

Hey, brother!

Why are you lecturing everyone? Did they ask you to?

Just do your job being a comedian. Make people laugh, be sarcastic.

-Hey... -Keep the sarcasm to a minimum

and the laughter to a maximum.

What are you staring at? I will stab you with this twig.

-Get lost! -Fine.

All right, if that's what the public wants, so be it.

So, Archana ji, we will begin our second season now.

I'll just go and check if our guests are fine.

I need to change as well.

You should change too. By the way, you look beautiful.

What is this procedure?

No, sir. You can't go.

Anyway, our airport sees only a few passengers.

You need to complete the check-in.

-Look. This... -Go on.

Sir!

-Is this yours? -What a huge pair of underwear!

I didn't expect you to wear such undergarments.

Do you think that's mine?

Look, sir. The movies I make are larger-than-life.

But I don't wear larger-than-life undergarments!

-That's true. Yes. -Is that so?

-Look at this. Oh, my! -Confusion.

Ma'am, you tell me. Which brand is he wearing?

"Lucchi."

Have you been wearing Lucchi?

Only Gucci and you should know that.

That's true. Much confusion here.

-It doesn't belong to him. -Moving on.

-Moving on. -This? Cobra?

-Cobra? -Sir, where is this brand from?

How do I know? It's not mine.

-Is it not yours? -No.

Cobra?

-Oh, no! God! -Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. And I got it.

-Your bag got swapped with someone else's. -Oh, no!

-I know who has your bag. -Yes.

-Let me take you along. Come, sir. -Are you coming along?

Sir, you are our guest...

Sir, why are you traveling with such a bag?

-It's not my bag! -It's not his bag.

-Take us to his bag. -Come on, Alia. Please.

-Come on. -Oh, God!

This is a ridiculous situation!

Kapil! Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!

Archana ji, how am I looking?

Pinky boy!

It feels great to change outfits twice in one day!

Our guests will be here any minute now.

-So, guys, are you ready? -Yes!

Welcome! Welcome, sir!

Welcome, Alia! Welcome!

Good. Welcome, sir.

A big round of applause for Karan sir and Alia!

What are you saying, Kapil? What do you mean by "welcome"?

Is this how you welcome your guests?

Do you know what happened to me because of you?