Deon Cole: Ok, Mister

["Post That" by Deon Cole and Terry Hunter playing]

Man, that mean a lot. Hello, Los Angeles. How y'all doing?

Thank you for coming out.

I'd like to just jump into the shit if you don't mind. Y'all good with that?

- - Yes, sir!

I ain't fucking with no more women who got loose sockets in they house.

Keep trying to put my charger in there. That motherfucker just...

And I gotta squeeze them prongs together so I can grip the middle.

And I widen them out so they can hold on to the...

I gotta find a lamp to hold that motherfucker up, just...

- Eight hours, I hear... -

- -

Ain't fucking with no more women

who don't have a parking space in front of they building.

I'mma circle your block two times.

If I don't see a space, I'm outta there, motherfucker.

I ain't be fucking around with you and your shady-ass neighborhood, motherfucker.

I just saw a grown man on a bike and dress shoes and shit.

Know that nigga up to no good.

You ever date an aggressive woman?

I-I would think it would be similar to having a boyfriend.

I think I had a boyfriend.

This motherfucker took me hooping one day. Didn't even choose me to be on her team.

Out there cheering this bitch on with these niggas.

Every time we pray, her hands go first like this and mine like...

Trying to turn my hands over. This strong bitch like...

Bitch, I can't... I-I-I can't reach the Lord feeling like a bitch like this.

"Fuck it. Just come on. Pray. Just pray over the food. Just..."

I ain't having sex with no more women over the age of 40

with baby hair on they face.

I don't even have no punchline. Just thought I'd tell you that.

See how I lost half the audience on that?

"Ah! Uh..."

This woman blew a kiss to me the other day...

And I caught it.

Then I heard...

I look behind me. This big Black dude just staring at me and shit.

I was like, "Goddamn, I done caught this nigga's kiss."

"There you go, dawg. My fault."

"I didn't mean to do that. I jumped... got ahead of myself."

I'm done fucking around with women with fat asses.

I had a good run.

It's just a lot of... a lot of stress.

They everywhere, you know? They ain't even special no more.

Everybody got one and shit, you know?

I shouldn't be going through what I'm going through

if everybody got one.

That's the way I think about it, you know.

And it's stressful when you be out with a woman with a fat ass.

Everybody be looking at that ass,

and you gotta act like you don't see them looking at it.

Plus the amount of toilet paper they use is ridiculous.

It's ridiculous.

I had just put out a fresh roll, right?

Like, "still stuck to the other toilet paper" fresh.

This motherfucker was at my house three hours.

When she left, it was just the cardboard spinning in that motherfucker.

"What is this bitch doing with my toilet paper?"

I caught her one day just wrapping that shit. Just...

ACE-bandage style, nigga, just...

I kicked the door in, like, "Bitch, close your hand and save me some sheets."

Fellas, you ever be in the club and see three women walking together?

Sometimes they hold hands. Sometimes they don't.

The pretty one always first.

I wanna speak to all the third women in the house tonight.

You know who you are.

When a nigga like me grab you in the club, you stop and see what the fuck I want.

I'm sick of this disrespectful shit.

Following that pretty bitch around the club. She gonna get hers.

I'm trying to make you the leader of your own pack of biscuits.

Nigga, I'm grabbing the third one.

I'm like, "Third Chick, come on."

"Don't... don't do that to me, Third Chick. Come on, now. Come on."

"I gotta follow them."

"Man, don't you let them hos block your blessings."

I know why pretty girls always have that one ugly girl with them too.

Because while Number One and Number Two dance,

they need somebody watch they coats and purses.

Don't lie to me. I see it all the time. Don't lie to me.

Number One and Number Two be on the dance floor.

"Hey!"

Third Bitch putting napkins over drinks and... covering their coats and purses.

Phone out. "Go, besties!"

I be at the table right next to her like,

"You ain't gotta live like this your whole life."

"Come with me, Third Bitch."

Black women hate to see a Black man with a white woman, boy.

Hate that. Look at 'em, clapping and shit.

If you see a Black man out in public with a white woman,

especially if it's a group of Black women, they group together and talk about 'em.

"Look at this Black ass over there

with that white bitch."

"Can't handle a strong Black sister, can he?"

Why all our women gotta be strong and shit?

"Strong Black sister."

I don't want no strong Black sister.

Forget that. You put that out there in the world.

When you come home, if I live with you, don't you bring strong shit in the house.

- - You save that for the world and shit.

I don't want no strong Black sister and shit in the house.

"You want some spaghetti?"

"From a strong Black sister?"

"I'll season it the way you want it seasoned."

"I swear to God, you'll love it."

"You want some head?"

"From a strong Black sister?"

"I'll suck it good. I'll suck it for all my ancestors."

"Just suck it out."

"I swear I won't let you down."

I don't want no strong head, motherfucker.

Black men don't give a fuck

when we see Black women with white men.

We don't care.

Actually, I be congratulating them too.

I be like this. "Hey, get your credit together, baby. That's it.

Black men don't give no fuck.

You'll never see a group of Black men gathering together to talk about,

"Look at her Black ass over there

with that cracker!"

"Can't handle a real nigga, can ya, bitch?"

I caught two DUIs four days apart.

I just didn't take the first one seriously and shit.

$15,000, classes, and lawyer fees later and shit,

what they did was they put this thing in my car called a BAIID.

A BAIID is a device you have to blow in in order to start your car,

and it shows if you intoxicated or not.

If you ain't intoxicated, you start your car and you can go.

You blow in it every ten minutes to prove it's you.

It's a very embarrassing device.

Anytime anybody got in my car, I would lie and be like,

"Yeah, that's a new alarm system I got."

"You gotta blow in it every ten minutes?"

I'm like, "Yeah. Niggas are stealing Oldsmobiles bad."

One Sunday, two in the afternoon, I'm running around doing errands and shit.

I ain't drinking, nothing, you know.

Stopped in an Arbee's, eat a sandwich,

got in the car, blew in the motherfucker, and it registered as if I was drinking.

I was shook.

They can lock me back up and impound my car.

I called the county. "Dude, I was not drinking."

"I don't know what the... why this shit register like this."

"You ain't been drinking?" I said, "Nah."

"What did you eat?"

"A sandwich."

They was like, "Did it have poppy seeds on it?

And I was like, "Yeah," and they was like,

"Yeah, that's the problem with these BAIID devices."

"They read poppy seeds as if you intoxicated."

"That's what they make opium out of."

"Don't worry. We'll take it off your record."

"Start your car. You can be on your way." And I was like, "Really?"

Three that morning, I call that nigga again, like,

"I ate another sandwich."