Girls

I feel like I wanna, I just want to be so honest with you right now.

- I want that. - I want to be super honest.

- I want that. - Like, I wanna tell you...

I wanna tell you that I fucked Marnie.

Wait. What?

You know you're moving out, right?

- Me? - Yeah, you.

- Hi. - Hi. How are you?

- So you're good? - You're kidding, I've never been this well in my life.

This is what is like when the hunt is over.

I knew about you and Elijah.

Hannah, I'm very sorry.

Maybe I'm not the bad friend

and you're not the good friend, okay?

- ( plastic rustling ) - I am livid that it has come to this.

Well, Elijah, join the club, okay?

Here's your round brush, here's your Astroglide.

Don't even know how that ended up in my room.

Please don't sit on that chair if you're not wearing underwear.

You know what, actually, I'm gonna sit on this chair all day as much as I like.

Vagina back and forth forever,

just my whole crotchal area spreading out.

- It's my chair now. - Oh, you're gonna keep that chair?

Yeah, because I talked to George and I'm keeping everything that he paid for.

- He wants me to. And, wait, that's... - Everything.

I know, I know, I know. He paid for everything.

- Yeah. - But I resent the fact

that this was not a dialogue, this was a monologue.

Well, Elijah, there was no dialogue to have.

You're not a nice man, okay?

- You're a fink. - I'm a fink?

Yes, there's certain people, Elijah,

who are meant to remain in your past, all right?

I made a mistake trying to repurpose you.

- Repurpose me? - Mm-hmm.

I'm not a vintage cardigan.

Also, I will not be paying rent this month.

- Uh, yeah, you will. - Actually, no, I won't.

First of all, I don't have the funds, so I can't.

Second of all, I've been doing some math

and, basically, I paid for all of your burritos junior year.

- On your own offer. - And they were way more expensive

than a normal fucking girl's burritos

because you were constantly doing add-ons.

Spinach, guac, pecans.

It's not my fault that you didn't want to liven up your meal

and also, you know what, that's what a boyfriend does.

- They pay for things. - And I paid for our butt plug.

Well, you're probably still using it, so maybe you should pay me.

Butt plug.

- Honestly. - ( door opens )

And then once you get into Brooklyn, it's a left at DeKalb.

DeKalb-- no, it's the name of a street, Pop.

Okay, thank you, sir.

Yeah, me, too. Very much.

Okay, bye. They're already on the road.

I mean, why does my mother need to get to every place early?

- What is that? - Ew, I hate when people are early.

It's so vile.

Well, we should get ready and beat 'em to the restaurant.

- They hate waiting. - What am I gonna eat at a steak house?

I only want spinach, but I know they're gonna force meat on me.

I can't even eat meat unless I'm menstruating.

Oh, I'm sure you'll find a delicate way of explaining that.

- How much time do we have? - We've got, um--

not enough for that.

It's the good one.

- It is the good-- oh, fuck. - ( cell phone rings )

Hey, Pops.

You know what I was thinking? How 'bout you use your GPS?

That's what it's for.

Okay, bye.

Let's have a look at the bad one.

Hannah: You know, it's just a little celebration

- Congratulations. - Congratulations.

Thank you. Yeah, so I thought I would use that money

to make some people that I love very happy.

So I bought all organic, and I am making pad Thai.

- I love pad Thai. - ( giggles )

I love it, too.

Hey, Marnie.

Hi.

Hello.

- I thought you said she wasn't coming. - I-- yeah, I know.

- It's confusing. I don't know. - Hannah, we should go. I'm sorry.

Okay, honestly, she and I are on horrible terms right now.

I just invited her as a gesture.

I did not think she would come.

It is, frankly, psychotic of her to show up.

What-- what are you guys fighting about?

I cannot tell you

because it would really, really hurt you.

Who-- hurt who?

I'm sorry, I am a good girl.

- Wha--? - I just think we should get out of here.

- We should go. - You should not go, okay?

If anyone should go, she should go.

- You should not go. - ( door opens )

I don't want to cause an issue, so I think I'm just gonna go.

Don't go.

And you don't go.

Nobody go.

Come on, baby.

Charlie: Just-- can you tell them about it, Aud?

Okay, okay.

So my friend Shelby and I are starting a mustard company.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

They're amazing. It's like they're sweet

and then they're spicy and then they go back to sweet.

- And I don't know how you do it. - That is so awesome.

Marnie, we need to get it together because this girl's starting a mustard company.

What have we ever done with our lives that's so great?

Nothing that great. Nothing with condiments.

So what are you up to, Marnie?

I heard you were looking for a job.

Oh, no.

Actually, I've been hosting at the Wedgebrook Club.

Oh, so you're hosting, like, a slam poetry night

or an open-mic-night-type thing?

I'm a hostess.

Oh, so when people come to the restaurant,

you, like, show them where their table is?

- Yes. - Got it.

- Sorry. - ( door opens )

Don't freak out. We're here.

Hi. I'm really sorry that we're late,

but we couldn't get a cab,

and then we got a cab and then the cab's late...

- What's up? - ...here because I lost my earring

in the cab and so we had to stop and pull over

and I had to find it and it was just, like, this whole thing.

Hey, we're adults, okay?

We're all adults. You can tell them we had sex.

Okay? That's why we're late-- because we had sex.

I'm so sorry. I totally lied to you all.

You guys have sex before dinner?

Shoshanna: This place looks amaze.

Thank you. I feel I really cleaned up in my divorce from Elijah.

Seriously, though, I really think that the best years of your life

are totally gonna happen here.

Happening.

What is that smell, though?

Noodles. Noodles are so hard to make.

Oh, fuck!

- They're fine. - So where do you get your headbands?

Would you stop worrying about your car?

Giuliani fixed New York.

- They stole my car radio. - Hey, don't rock the boat, all right?

- So don't tell me not to worry. - Okay?

Hey. Hey.

- Oh, hey. - Hey, Pop.

- Hi. Congratulations. - How are you doing?

- Oh, thanks, Mom. - Hi.

My God.

- This is Jessa. - Hi!

They wouldn't seat us because our whole party's not here.

Oh, right. I'm-- I'm sorry.

- We were-- - It's me. I'm always late to everything.

She's always late for everything. It's awful.

- It's lovely to meet you, Jessa. - You, too.

I mean, I hate this restaurant,

but I don't even care 'cause I'm so happy to meet you guys.

That's sweet.

- Who's hungry? - I'm hungry.

- Starving. - Okay, I'll get us set.

Oi!

I just don't think anyone should do anything they're not comfortable with,

especially when it comes to sex.

Well, yes, Marnie. That's the principle behind not raping people.

I don't know, just-- unlike you, I'll do almost anything sexually.

I feel like the only thing that I won't do ever again is a butt plug.

Marnie: Ah, she has limits.

- What's a butt plug? - No.

You know what a butt plug is.

- You wanna take this one? - Shosh...

- Really? - Shosh, it's a plug for your butt.

No, but why would you-- why would you wanna plug it--

- why would you wanna-- - Charlie: Sexual situations.

Yeah, it's, like, for men.

'Cause, like, your prostate is a stimulating area,

I think, and it's just in your butt.

It's like having a clit in your butt.

Do you want that?

- No. - Hannah: He wants it.

Every guy wants it. Elijah begged for it.

So he was asking you to plug his butt

and you still had doubts about his homosexuality?

- ( laughter ) - Yeah, and a lot of people like some-- you know,

some shit up their butthole, right?

- Ugh. - What?

Oh, I have a thing. I hate-- I hate that word.

She doesn't like the word butthole.

- Oh, yeah. - Butthole?

Ugh, stop. Please don't.

- It's her trigger word. - Yeah.

- Butthole. - Stop saying it! Seriously--

Butthole sends you over the edge?

- Yes, it's awful. - Really?

Maybe you don't like it 'cause you're imagining his butthole right now

and now there's a very adorable little sentry guarding it