The Rainbow Bridge Motel

WELCOME TO FLIGHT 238 FROM PHOENIX.

PLEASE PICK UP YOUR LUGGAGE FROM BAGGAGE CLAIM THREE.

COME ON. THIS IS GONNA BE PERFECT.

YOU GET THE BAGS. I'LL SCOPE THE PLACE OUT.

OH, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S MINE.

NO.

COME ON, MAN.

COME ON, DUDE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

COME ON, COME ON!

I HAVEN'T POSTED ANYTHING ALL DAY!

OKAY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

JUST HUMILIATING MYSELF

IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE CROSS SECTION OF PHOENIX.

THIS... IS OUR FIRST WEDDING POST.

WHAT? WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS? WE'RE HERE. NIAGARA FALLS.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED HERE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

YEAH. COME ON. WE GOTTA GET GOING

OR WE'RE GONNA MISS THE FREE SHUTTLE.

GROUND TRANSPORTATION INCLUDED.

-YEAH. -HM. VERY NICE.

THAT QUEERPON PACKAGE YOU BOOKED IS AMAZING.

-THANK YOU. OKAY, ONE MORE. -ALL RIGHT.

LET'S PARTY.

HEY, LET US PARTY!

COME ON.

COME ON.

HEAD TO THE HILLS, BABY. HEAD TO THE HILLS.

...POWER INVESTED IN ME BY THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK,

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU-- IS IT "INVESTED"?

MY GOD, I SHOULD HAVE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.

POWER INVESTED-- POWER VESTED.

REALLY? I DON'T KNOW YET?

UP, UP, UP, UP, UP. UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.

GRANDPA, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD.

DO I SMELL C.K. ONE?

YEP. YEP, I THINK SO.

YOU LIKE IT?

UM, YES, IT'S-- IT'S VERY NICE.

WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?

IT'S KIND OF COOL, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, IN A 1995 SORT OF WAY.

-WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? -WHAT?

ARE THOSE THE MAGICAL MISTS OF THE FALLS OR HAS MY VISION BECOME

A PERMANENT FRENCH IMPRESSIONIST PAINTING?

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING NIAGARA FALLS FOR OUR WEDDING.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN A MINISTER AND A PASTOR

AND A RABBI--

OH, AND A KAY'S JEWELRY SALESMAN.

AND RARELY HAVE I SEE TWO WOM--

PEOPLE-- UH, TWO WOM-- PEOPLE--

WOM-PEOPLE MORE IN LOVE THAN YOU... MAYA?

RUSSELL.

RUSSELL. RUSSELL AND MAYA.

I'M JUST SO CAUGHT UP IN THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE HERE

AND EXPRESSED TODAY, I--

IT'S A L-- IT'S A L--

GET THE MUSIC AND THE RICE READY.

UH, WHITE RICE OR BROWN RICE?

WHITE RICE. THE BROWN RICE IS FOR THE DINNER THEY REQUESTED.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? UM, WHY ARE WE DRIVING AWAY FROM THE FALLS?

EXCUSE ME, DRIVER.

SIR, ARE WE GOING THE WRONG WAY?

TELL YOU MORE THERE. WE ARE CLOSE.

WE ARE STAYING IN NIAGARA FALLS?

YEAH, NIAGARA FALLS. ALMOST THERE.

NO WORRY.

DARREN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO

WHEN NONE OF THIS COULD'VE BEEN POSSIBLE,

ESPECIALLY IN MY GRANDFATHER'S ERA WHEN HE BUILT THIS PLACE.

BUT HERE WE ARE.

SO, WITH THE POWER INVESTED IN ME

FROM THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK,

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU...

OH, BOY. UH...

MAN AND, UH, W--

YOU KNOW, WE PROBABLY SHOULD'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFOREHAND.

WE GOT A NEW FORM WE'RE WORKING OUT,

A LITTLE CHECKLIST THING,

BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO GO FIRST, AND YOU GUYS...

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST SAY, LIKE, HUSBAND AND WIFE IF--

-THE MARRIED COUPLE! -

-CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR BAG PLEASE? -NO, NO.

OH, OKAY.

WHAT THE HELL?

DARREN! NAH, THIS MUST BE A MISTAKE.

DARREN, TELL ME THIS IS A MISTAKE.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

TWO MEN. TWO MEN.

HEY, LOOK, IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT WE THOUGHT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IN ITS OWN WAY, IT'S--

OH, MY GOD, IS THAT A CHEMICAL PLANT?

WHAT IS SPEWING OUT OF THOSE SMOKESTACKS? DARREN!

-I... -DARREN!

WELCOME TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

I'M SHIBBAWITZ. CAN I TAKE YOU TO YOUR ROOM?

COME ON. THIS WAY PLEASE.

IT'S SHIBBAWITZ.

TWO MEN!

TWO MEN!

SO YOU GUYS ARE NEXT. OH!

AREN'T THEY A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE? LOOK AT THAT.

LET ME ASK YOU, ARE THOSE MUTTONCHOPS?

WELL, ALL THE WAY FROM PHOENIX. INCREDIBLE.

I GOT YOU IN THE ROCK HUDSON ROOM.

IT'S GOT IT'S OWN HEART-SHAPED VALENTINE BED.

- -

YEAH, AND DON'T FORGET TO VISIT OUR SUNDRIES SHOP.

WE'VE GOT FACE CREAMS AND CONDITIONERS

AND TUBS AND TUBS OF VASELINE.

OKAY, SO I WANT YOU TO ENJOY YOUR STAY,

TIM'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU,

AND HAVE A GREAT TIME.

WHAT IS THIS? THIS HAS TO BE A MISTAKE.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BIGGEST DAY OF MY--

OUR LIFE. WE HAVE PEOPLE COMING.

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

I THINK I'M BREATHING IN BENZENE.

YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S BENZENE. IT'S PROBABLY JUST STEAM.

I'M A DETOX FITNESS COUNSELOR, DARREN. I KNOW MY BODY,

AND I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE A FULL ON BONG HIT

FROM A SMOKESTACK TO KNOW WHAT'S KILLING ME.

LISTEN, I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS--

I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS ON OUR WEDDING.

HI. THAT'S YOUR ROOM.

YOU LIKE COLOR TV?

WOW. THEY ARE AWARE THAT GAY PEOPLE SLEEP TOGETHER, RIGHT?

MAYBE IT'S A PART OF THE JANE SEYMOUR OPEN HEART COLLECTION.

MORE LIKE THE ROCK HUDSON CLOSETED COLLECTION.

WOW!

ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING AT THIS?

I HATE TO SAY IT,

BUT THIS IS THE EXACT "AESTHETIC FROM BRANSON" PUB

THAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR, ISN'T IT?

-IT'S COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC. -WHAT?

THERE'S NOT A PLACE WITHIN 2,000 MILES OF PHOENIX

-THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS. -THANK GOD!

EVERYONE WANTS TO CAPTURE THIS MID-CENTURY INDUSTRIAL LOOK,

AND WE'RE IN ITS EPICENTER.

YOU'RE NOT DEFENDING THIS PLACE.

NO, I'M JUST MAKING A COMMENT.

DARREN, DARREN,

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

LOOK AT THE WAY THE PIPES WIND AROUND.

THAT'S NEVER CAPTURED.

THERE'S EVEN BEAUTY TO ITS STRANGE DESOLATION.

YOU ARE SO FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M A DESIGNER, DEAN.

YOU'VE GOTTA LET GO OF ALL THE NEGATIVE CONNECTIONS

THAT EVERYONE'S LAPPED ON IT.

WHAT, LIKE CANCER, HOPELESSNESS, DEATH?

LIKE BOLDNESS, LIKE PROGRESS, INNOVATION.

THESE ARE NOT REMNANTS OF DESPAIR,

BUT RELICS OF ONE OF THE GREATEST CENTURIES IN HUMAN HISTORY.

-OH, MY GOD! -WHAT?

MY PEE IS DAY-GLO YELLOW.

LIKE AFTER YOU TAKE A TON OF VITAMINS,

BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN ANY VITAMINS!

IT'S THIS AIR AND THIS WATER

THIS ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!

LOOK. IT'S THERE.

I'M NOT LOOKING.

BELIEVE ME, SMELLING IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

IS THAT THE QUEERPON PRINTOUT?

-NO. -I'M FIXING THIS.

THIS IS COMPLETELY INACCURATE.

WHERE ARE THE MAGICAL MISTS? WHERE ARE THE THUNDERING RAPIDS?

I'M SO SORRY.

ANOTHER ROOM?

ANOTHER ROOM--

ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE.

WE UPGRADE. BRAND NEW ROOM.

BETTER VIEW. YES.

BETTER VIEW OF WHAT?

THE TOXIC SLUDGE PIT OUTSIDE?

I DEMAND A FULL REFUND. WHERE'S NIAGARA FALLS?

AH!

THIS IS NIAGARA FALLS.

IT'S ACTUALLY THE CITY OF NIAGARA FALLS.

YES, UH, HERE.

YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.

STUNNING NIAGARA FALLS,

ONE OF THE EARLY GREAT INDUSTRIAL CITIES OF AMERICA.

ALL POWERED BY NIKOLA TESLA'S IMAGINATION AND DEDICATION

TO HARNESSING THE GREAT, MIGHTY NIAGARA

TO POWER THE INDUSTRIAL MONUMENTS

THAT COMPRISE THE STUNNING VIEWS

OF THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.

IT IS GLORIOUS.

WHERE ARE YOU READING THAT?

-RIGHT HERE. -OH, ON THE SIDE MARGIN.

NO ONE ACCEPTS THAT AS VALID, FUNCTIONAL ONLINE REAL ESTATE.