An Evening with Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder

Kevin Smith.

Kevin Smith.

Thank you for, uh, coming to Canada, Mr. Smith.

I'm here as Buddy Christ.

On the way over here, trying to get tickets,

I got bitten by a dog.

I love you, Kevin Smith.

You're-- you're awesome, Kevin.

But we came here to see you.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing

my dad, Kevin Smith.

I love you, man.

Oh, Canada.

Oh, Canada.

I fucking love me some Canadian, sir.

I really, really do.

I fucking love this country.

Um, I would, uh-- Don't.

Don't.

No.

Believe me, I'll be patronizing later on.

Right now, I just want to be confessional

more than anything else.

I always felt like I was kind of born a bit too far south.

I do dig this country quite a bit.

And I don't fucking say that because of the recent election.

That seems to be in vogue, to be like, oh, fuck the States.

Canada, eh.

They let gays get married and-- and Bush is not the president.

But, uh-- But that shit doesn't matter to me

so much because I could-- I survived four years of Bush.

I could survive another four years of Bush.

I survived Bennifer.

Bush has nothing on fucking Bennifer.

I assure you.

But, uh, it is a country that I've always fucking loved.

And I've often thought about moving up here.

Because you guys are like-- you're-- flat out,

you're the girl next door, right?

And who doesn't want to fuck the girl next door?

Especially when she's anal as well.

So-- you are the three input woman next door.

That's it.

We're leaving, you know?

Um, but, uh-- I can't.

I can't fucking make the commitment to move up here.

And there's one-- there's two words, really,

the kind of sum it all up.

And that is Tim fucking Hortons.

True story.

Because I've been here now for-- I came up a week ago.

I mean, a month ago for one week.

And then I came back.

I've been here for about two weeks.

And when I got here, I was like, I'm going to stay

all fucking low-carb and shit.

And I'm going to just eat.

Because you know, I'm from the land--

USA, United States of Atkins.

And, um-- so I'm like, I'm going to stay low-carb and shit

because I got the show.

And I want to be as trim as fucking possible.

And then they put in a goddamn hotel

where right across the street there's a Tim Hortons.

And I would just look out my window

and be like, that fucker's open 24 hours.

Because I'm a fucking man of strength.

Like, I-- you know, I will never cheat on my wife,

but I will cheat on a fucking diet like you wouldn't believe.

So I'd just sit there and fight myself,

fight myself, fight myself.

And finally, I was like, oh, fuck.

A double double and 30 Timbits.

And that's why I'll be wearing the coat all night long.

Always helpful to have the fucking people

in the back looking at you all night going,

god, is he fat from behind.

He is literally wearing a spare tire around his middle.

So the first question of the night

sets the entire evening up.

No pressure whatsoever.

It's actually two things.

Two questions.

Two questions if that's all right.

Sir, you're playing on my sympathies, aren't you?

Well, my name's Andre.

I'm an actor, comedian, and writer.

People always try to get me to dance, too.

Um, my first question is, well, I'm currently

writing a screenplay now.

And I'm-- I've been-- I had major,

major, uh, writer's block for the longest time.

I was wondering if you ever had writer's block?

And what you did to deal with it?

Have I ever had writer's block?

Yeah, a little bit.

I just basically don't have writer's block.

I get writer's laze, where I just don't-- why

should I write, you know?

Pretty much.

Let's see how many "Law & Orders" are on today.

I do, basically.

Because I'd rather sit there and watch "Hang 'em High McCoy"

throw, you know, another scumbag murderer in jail

than-- than create shit.

I want to be entertained sometimes, where

it's just like, yeah, good.

Burn 'em.

Fucking burn 'em.

Send them to the goddamn chair.

Murder 1, eh.

You know?

And then my wife's like, the mortgage is due.

I'm like, oh, shit.

Uh, Jay And Bob say something remotely witty, you know?

Cha-ching, back to "Law & Order."

So, uh--

So I will.

I'll just kind of veg out and sit

in front of the TV for a while.

And it's not so much writer's block where I'm like,

I have nothing.

I have nothing.

It's just this kind of place where I'm like,

I don't want to do nothing.

I don't want to do nothing.

And I've only really had it maybe once.

I was working on the "Six Million Dollar Man" screenplay

fucking eons ago, 1995.

And there was-- we were working at Universal

on "Mallrats," kind of.

Woo.

Don't.

And, um-- and, uh, basically, somebody-- one

of the producers, Jim Jackson is just like, hey, uh,

"Six Million Dollar Man" is up for grabs.

They want to do a feature version.

Did you ever watch it?

And I was like, I did watch that show.

And he was just like, you want to write it?

And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

Not really, but-- but it would be awesome to get the job,

you know?

Like, that's basically what it is for me.

It's not doing the work, it's just having somebody go,

you, sir, are good enough.

And then I'm like, oh, phenomenal.

Thank you.

And then I fucking fight it the whole way home.

"Green Hornet," a perfect example.

It was just nice to have somebody say,

you, sir, are good enough to make a comic book movie.

And I was like, tremendous.

Then I signed the contract and I was like, wait.

What?

Do it?

Um, so that-- that kind of happened with the "Six

Million Dollar Man."

And there were just days where I was like, I don't know what

the fuck Steve Austin does.

You know?

What does he do?

He's fucking-- he wakes up and he watches "Law & Order."

Because I don't live the Steve Austin life.

And I'm used to writing about shit

where I just kind of takes pages out

of my own daily life and shit.

But I am not bionic by any stretch of the imagination.

Not even remotely athletic, you know?

So I would be totally blocked writing that.

And it really started to show.

Like, I'd hand Mosier over some pages to read-- Scott Mosier,

my producer.

And I was like, what do you think?

And he was just like, well, in this scene here,

the big action sequence, you have Steve

Austin hiding behind a rock.

And I was just like, dude's got to hide sometimes.

I mean, it's not always dit-dit-dit-dit, you know?

Sometimes-- sometimes he's got to be on the down-low and shit.

And Mosier's like, and he's fighting 20 ninjas?

I was like, not good?

Bionic ninjas?

So that one, it took me a long time to fucking

write the script for.

And I pitched it to one team of execs, who were then replaced

by another team of execs.

And then by the time I turned in my script,

that second team of execs had been replaced

by another team of execs.

So I turned into my script to people going, are you kidding?

This is your idea for a "Six Million Dollar Man Movie?"

Mother fucking.

He loses a leg and an arm.

You give him robotics and he hides behind a fucking rock?

I was like, well, the first people really liked that idea.

So, you know, fucking never got made.

And that was the last time I really got blocked.

And ever since then, it's just kind of laze.

Because TV is kind of my kryptonite, right?