Benidorm

Ripped By mstoll

I'm sorry pal, there's no bar service until breakfast is finished.

Ugh.

Oh, buenos dias. You're heading out early.

But then the early birds do catch the worms.

Anything's got to be better than the shite you're serving in there.

Lesley, is this some kind of a joke?

- Les. - I beg your pardon?

I'm Les, not Lesley.

I've been doing the job of three people lately

so I haven't even got time to wash me face in the morning

never mind set me wig and put me make up on.

Well, some of us manage it.

I don't mean I wear a wig I just mean...

- Look. Look at this sign. - Oh dear.

I knew I shouldn't have left it with Baby Jesus.

Well exactly, when I gave... Baby Jesus?

You know, the soft lad, Jesus in maintenance?

I thought we'd established that his name was pronounced Khezous.

Bless you. Well, his son Jesus junior,

- has been helping out a bit. - And you call him Baby Jesus?

Well, yeah, he is only nine.

You mean to say we have a nine-year-old child working part time at the hotel?

Well, not officially. It's just we had to bring someone in

to show us how to work the new computer.

Get this sign re-done, mop-up that water and send Baby Jesus packing

before we all get closed down for child exploitation.

Ooh!

Another day in paradise.

Well, here we are again, just you, me, and our beloved Benidorm.

Well, we said we'd be back,

but I didn't realise it would be under these circumstances.

Oh, Donald, I do miss you.

Are you there, boys?

We're gonna have another death on our hands at this rate.

That mountain path is a health hazard, I knew I should have worn flats.

- Kenneth, please. - What?

Bit of respect for Jacqueline?

Oh, sorry, Jacqueline, it's just that I'm more grazing sheep

- than mountain goat. - More moaning cow.

I do appreciate you boys coming up here with me,

Donald was so fond of both of you.

There was only one group of people he loved more than the gays

and that was the straights.

Lovely. I think.

I don't think we're gonna need this after all you know Kenneth.

Yeah, I don't know why you dragged that enormous thing all the way up here.

Oh, I thought you wanted him to be here?

- Very funny. - Come on, help me get set this up.

Donald's final wish was to be scattered all over Benidorm,

do you really think he'd want to be blown in your face?

Well...

Remember what happened when you brought Big Donna up here?

- Oh, that's true. - So, we don't want any accidents.

This is just a gentle, controlled breath of wind

to send Donald gently billowing across the bay.

What did happen when you brought Big Donna out here?

Well, Donald and I came up here to scatter Big Donna's ashes

and well, we got the wrong box

and then we ended up throwing someone's head over the cliff.

And it wasn't Big Donna's.

Me and Liam ended up fishing it out of the sea.

Oh, I have missed this place.

Here, booking under the name of Dawson, two doubles and a twin room.

- I'll be with you in a minute. - It's just that one of the doubles,

it's a deluxe room and I need to know which one it is.

Right, let's have a look.

- What did you say the name was? - Dawson. Can you hurry up please?

I'm going as fast as I can, pal.

You're joking aren't you, any slower and you'd be going backwards.

I beg your pardon?

We made the booking, but then a few days later

I called and I upgraded one of the double rooms separately.

And I need to know which one it is.

So, can you hurry up?

- Dad? - Shit.

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

Don't mention the deluxe room.

- Don't mention what? - Nothing. Shut up.

- Now hang on a minute. - What you doing tearing off

and leaving us with your bags?

I don't know why you've got three bags anyway, we're only here for a week.

Well, I can't understand how you manage with just one.

I mean clothes maketh the man Sheron.

I'm not wearing the same clobber every day.

I got all my things packed in one iddy biddy case

and if ya'll don't like that, y'all can kiss my sweet potato pie.

Look, I've told you before, darling,

I can't understand you when you talk daft like that.

Oh, leave her alone. Jodie, stop being silly.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Keep looking at me like that and I'm gonna bitch slap you

from here to kingdom come.

What did she just say?

She's just giddy from the coach ride. Jodie, chill.

- I'm thirsty. - We all are, love.

Uh, can we check in please? Three rooms under the name of Dawson.

No bother. This gentleman here,

was just saying that one of the doubles...

Forget it, forget it. It's all sorted, I've sorted it.

- Well you just said you wanted to... - Yeah, well it's all right now, okay.

Billy, why don't you go and get everybody set up by the pool,

and I'll sort these cases out.

I mean, it's the least I can do, in't it? After leaving you with them.

No, no you're all right, Dad, we wanna get in the rooms.

Yeah, I don't really wanna lie by a pool in a pair of jeans.

- Oh. Where is the pool? - That way, where it says pool.

Right, well, come on, everybody out.

Don't spoil the surprise I've got for you.

- Oh, what surprise? - When do we get the surprise?

What you doing?

- I'm just gonna find some shorts. - No.

Come on, out. I said I'll sort this lot.

Go on. Get in the sun.

Now then, which is the deluxe room?

This one, on the fifteenth floor.

All the other rooms are on the tenth.

Fifteenth floor. Nice one, thanks pal.

Hey, you can't leave all these other cases here, pal.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'll be back.

Uh-uh.

- Can I help you, pal? - Oh hello, mate.

Can you tell me who the manager is here, mate?

Joyce Temple Savage, but she's a bit busy today.

Yeah, that's fine. How long she been here for?

Four years. Why?

Brilliant, can you tell her that I'm here.

I've got an interview to pull a few birds, I mean a few pints.

- Have you applied for a job here before? - Me?

No, I've never been to this hotel in my life.

I've just got one of those faces.

You can say that again, pal.

Take a seat over there, by the sign.

You're a star. Nice haircut.

I usually have a chestnut bob, but it's in the wash.

Hello boys, you want to check in?

Yes please, the surnames are Dyke and Ellis.

Those are our surnames. One each.

'Cause it's him, and me.

Thanks. Have you got your passport, son?

Yeah, you need them to get through the airport.

- Give him your passport. - Oh, right.

Right, we've got you lads down for a twin room.

Yeah, we're on a bit of a tight budget unfortunately.

- He's on a tight budget and I'm skint. - Right.

I tell what. Let's see if I can sneak you two

into a deluxe twin.

They're much bigger than the standard, give you lads a bit of breathing space.

Oh, wicked. I've always thought

size is quite important in the bedroom.

Yeah.

He ain't talking about his knob, he means the room.

- He knows I meant the room. - Oh, right. Wicked.

It's just that he laughed so I thought he might think you meant your knob.

- No, no, everything's cool, bruv, yeah. - Yeah, sweet.

Eh, I'm sorry boys, I haven't got a bigger room for tonight.

But if you wanna check with me in a couple of days,

I might be able to move you. Right, there's your room keys,

wrist bands. Tenth floor.

- Brilliant, thanks very much. - Nee bother.

Oh my God, check out the fit Spanish birds at one o'clock.

Why do we have to wait until one o'clock?

Is it something to do with the time difference?

My dearest Donald, so now is the time to say farewell.

Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It's been such an adventure.

But you always said, don't cry because it's over,

smile because it happened.

Oh, and in all the years we had together,

you certainly gave me a lot to smile about.

Remember, darling...

This is just adios and never goodbye.

Oh, hang on a minute.

- I don't think we need it, Kenneth. - Now look,

do we want Donald sitting in a muddy puddle half way down the mountain

or do you want him billowing gently across the bay?

- Billowing gently across the bay. - Exactly.

Oh, bloody hell, I think it's rusted.

Oh, come here. When was the last time you used this?

- I got it to inflate Roger. - I beg your pardon?

Big inflatable man I used a couple of years ago.

- Dear God. - To advertise the salon.

Are you ready?

Oh for God's sake, mind your fingers.

Oh my God. Jacqueline.

Oh my God. Jacqueline, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

Did he get off all right?

Oh, yeah, there he is.

Adios, Donald, adios.

Well, thank you. Mr Bueno,

now this is a very impressive CV.

Yes, very impressive.

It is not actually my CV, but I thought it might catch your attention.

- I'm sorry, this is not your CV? - No.

I downloaded it from the Internet.

As a doctor of medicine, my CV would be highly inappropriate for bar work.

- You're a doctor? - Yes.

You're a doctor and you're looking for bar work?

I'm afraid so.