That’s Not My Dog!

These two apiarists were talking to one another,

and one bloke said to the other, he said,

"How's your bee business going?"

And he said, "Oh, yeah, it's going on quite nicely."

And the other fella said,

"How many bees do you reckon you'd have?"

And he said, "Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000."

He said, "Oh, that's a good number."

He said, "What about the hives?"

He said, "Well, I've just put in another one,"

he said, "so that makes it seven."

He said, "Oh, that's great."

The other fella said, "What about you?"

And he said, "Well, as you know," he said,

"I've been doing it for a long time,

"and Dad was an apiarist before me."

And he said, "At the last count,

"I reckon I've got about 2.5 million to 3 million bees."

He said, "3 million?!" the other bloke said,

and he said, "Yeah."

He said, "How many hives you got?"

He said, "Oh, just the one."

He said, "3 million bees and just the one hive?"

He said, "Yeah. Yeah.

"Fuck 'em."

Now, what's this party all about anyhow, son?

Oh, it's just a party, Dad.

Yeah, I'm told they're gonna bring some jokes along.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, well, I've got a couple of jokes.

Yeah, I know you do, Dad.

Yeah. There's this bloke and his missus and 14 kids,

and they're standing at a bus stop.

They've got a blind bloke with them.

The bus pulls up and the 14 kids get on

and the woman gets on and the husband goes to get on

and the bus driver said, "Hey. Whoa. Stop.

"Too many on the bus. You're gonna have to walk."

So he's left with the blind bloke.

And the blind bloke said,

"Do you mind if I walk with you, mate?"

And he said, "Oh, no. Nothing else can go right.

"You may as well walk with me."

And as the blind bloke's going along,

he's tapping the ground with his cane, and the fella said,

"Must you tap that bloody thing on the ground?

"It's driving me mad."

And he said, "Well, I'm a blind man.

"It's the way I find my way along."

And he said, "Well, yeah.

"Couldn't you put some rubber on your stick?"

The blind man said,

"If you'd have put some rubber on YOUR stick,

"we'd have both got on the fuckin' bus."

Remember the first limerick you told me,

when I was about eight?

"Mary had a little dress with a slit right up one side.

"Every time she bent over, the boys could see her thighs.

"Mary had another dress, with a slit right up the front.

"She didn't wear that much."

You weren't eight.

He was fuckin' seven.

So, the invite said don't bring food and don't bring booze -

just bring your three favourite jokes.

So, did you hear the one about

the, um...the three lesbian hitchhikers

walk into a Shane Jacobson party?

What?!

I'm looking forward to this. Thanks for the lift, darling.

Yeah.

This is like Driving Miss Daisy.

Are you, um...have you got a gag worked out?

I'm nervous about telling it.

- Can I try it out on you? - Yep.

Hey, we're not far. We're looking for Clarkefield.

I wanna beat you this time.

Well, you got your bike licence?

No.

Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate?

Jaco. How are you, brother?

- Good, mate. Yourself? - Bloody well.

Might need a bit more than that.

- Come on, mate. I also brought the ute.

Ute?

Yeah, I reckon that should do it.

Newly married couple just home from their honeymoon.

Yeah?

First time in their marital home together,

and he goes up to the bathroom,

and he comes down and he says,

"There's a dead horse in the bath."

And she says, "Well, I never said I was neat."

A pie walks into a bar.

- A pie? - A pie.

Well, see, that doesn't make sense. A pie wouldn't walk.

I've got a joke for you.

- You wanna hear it? - Yes.

This guy goes to a supermarket, right,

and he gets up to the checkout line.

Gets a half a loaf of bread, half a pint of milk

and half a dozen eggs,

and a Playboy magazine.

And the checkout chick goes,

"Hey, you're single, aren't you?"

And he goes, "Well, how did you know?"

She goes, "Well, you're pretty fuckin' ugly."

A pie walks into a bar and the barman says,

"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

So, there's this elderly couple.

They're driving home, and this cop pulls them over, see?

Puts down his window, and goes around

and the cop says to the bloke,

"Were you aware that you're doing 80 in a 60 zone?"

And the wife says, "What'd he say?"

He says, "He says I was doing 80 in a 60 zone."

Says, "Can I have your licence, please?"

"What did he say?"

He said, "He wants to see my licence."

So the cop looks at the licence

and says, "Oh, you're from Ballarat.

He says, "Christ, I had the worst sex in my life

"in Ballarat."

She says, "What did he say?"

He says, "He thinks he knows you."

Dad, did I tell you about

the blonde girl that walks into a library

and said, "Can I have a hamburger, please?"

He said, "Darling, this is a library."

She said, "Oh, I am sorry."

"Can I have a hamburger, please?"

Well, Dad, I reckon we're just about right to go.

- How are you, mate? - Good.

Alright, well, I've got one for you.

There's three old blokes, having a drink in a pub,

which they do semi-regularly,

and they're getting on a bit, and one of them said,

"What do you reckon is the most dangerous thing

"that ever happened in your life, Trev?

"When was the moment you thought you were gonna die?"

And he said, "Oh," he said, "well, for me,"

he said, "as you know, I'm 90 now, and I feel blessed,"

he said, "but I had an old car," he said. "Model-T."

And he said, "Couldn't afford to put tyres on the bastard,"

he said, "so every time it went round a corner,

"after a while you were kinda more trying

"to keep the thing from crashing into a tree

"than drive the thing.

"Anyway, one day it went off the side of the road

"and it did what I always thought it might do - rolled,

"and it rolled about three or four times.

"We didn't have belts then."

He said, "Pretty lucky to get out of that alive.

"I thought I was gonna die."

And I said, "Oh, fair enough. Fair enough."

With that, old Richo says, "Well, I'll be honest."

He said, "As you know, for a while," he said,

"I used to work making bridges, and we're in a country town,

"building a pretty decent bridge, to be honest."

He said, "It was a rail bridge."

And he said, "We got to the point

"where both sides almost met."

And he said, "But, you know,

"we made a few mistakes here and there.

"Can happen. Human error."

And he said, "The bridge started to go down.

"I had to ride the thing down. A fair way - 20, 30 metres."

He said, "I thought I was a goner."

He said, "So, that was the day I thought I'd die."

And he said, "But, hey, still here. We're still here, mate."

And with that, they said, "Oh, Morrie.

"What about you, Morrie?"

He said, "Oh," he said, "as you know," he said,

"I'm the oldest out of the group.

"At 96, I'm going alright," he said.

"But," he said, "when we were fighting in the Congo..."

He said, "We were there once."

He said...and he said, "A whole bunch of reeds.

"Pretty...pretty thick, dense stuff, it was.

"Everything looked green. We were wearing green.

"Couldn't tell each other from a plant."

And he said, "Anyway, there was this noise, and we all froze,"

and he said, "and we're staring inside this grass,"

and he said, "and there's a massive tiger!"

"Came out and went 'Raaah'!"

"Just shit myself."

And they said, "Oh, mate, that's alright. I understand.

"If a tiger jumped out at me, I would've shat myself."

He said, "No, not then in the Congo -

"just then when I went 'Raaah'."

I just..."

"..shat myself."

A guy goes into a hardware shop

and he goes, "A bottle of turps,"

and the guy goes, "No. No, no.

"You're a dero. You'll be drinking that. I can see it."