The Chaser's War on Everything

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello there, right around Australia, a very good evening,

and welcome to the warring Chris.

How about this weather we've been having?

It's been a wet and wild week in the Huntson Newcastle region

on the East Coast, and hasn't known.

Call me a broken record, Craig, but I've blown Jon Houd

for this.

I'm going to tape and have a look for yourself.

We should all literally and without any iron,

you pray for rain over the next six to eight weeks.

You're proud of yourself, Houd? Thank you.

I think you prayed a little bit too hard, Jonny.

How have you tried, Craig? We've already next time.

We want to be so bloody wet!

And that wasn't his only answer, Craig.

We also prayed for in brand new Tampa.

Look, you got that one, too. I mean, how does he do that?

Every election year he gets one, a new container ship

miraculously arrived to save his skin.

And then this new tank of Craig and I just said,

it's carrying coal, not refugee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That shows his tough on global warming.

He's saying, we will decide which fossil fuels come

to this country in the circumstances

in which they come it's genius.

Brilliant, brilliant.

But there's been some incredible pictures

of the floods around Newcastle,

and look at this one.

Absolute chaos on the roads.

No, no, because that's not Newcastle.

That's just Peter Meek and Lars Friday, no?

Oh, he's on the tear again, isn't he?

Just see elsewhere in the country.

You're getting wet? Oh, God.

You probably should have ordered rolling.

Il Sphere in the country, the Dalai Lama,

has been out and about this week.

Doing a couple of installs at Sanity

and Westfield Shopping Centre, but the PM

very slow to agree to a meeting with it.

No, Chris on the slow, the PM's just very busy, man.

He's been praying for rain.

Thanks.

Pizzy, my ass.

I'm wetter than Paris Hilton's pants, right there.

LAUGHTER

That's...

APPLAUSE

It's a slow comment.

She's having a hard time.

It's not fair to touch Paris.

But no, PM's not busy.

PM's not busy at all.

He just doesn't like the Dalai Lama.

I reckon he even refused to become the friend

on the Dalai Lama's most-spaced pain.

Outrage.

But the Dalai Lama's persistent, if nothing else.

So, this week...

Anybody could have x-f-f-dile-a meeting with the Prime Minister.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God.

You're being told, you're not invited to the Dalai Lama.

I'm glad you think it's a problem.

You're still not coming in here, no?

But I have a meeting.

Well, you're not invited, so you're not coming in here.

You're with the Chinese.

No.

I'm sure.

I'm much more popular than the Prime Minister.

It might rub off on you.

I'm sure you are, but you're not coming in here today.

You're going to have to leave the club.

I'm very disappointed.

OK, please be with you.

Thank you.

Full shot.

Peace be with you.

The Buddhist monks suddenly become very Catholic.

But, Chris, look, that wasn't the end of the experience with journey.

You can't keep a good monk down.

And sure enough, the Dalai Lama's Buddhist pace has paid off.

Prime Minister,

I checked your diary for you.

We can meet up now for Prime Minister.

Hello.

So we're going to have dinner?

Straight to see you.

It's only one thing, not Chinese, huh?

Waiting for what seems like day.

Trapped in this waiting room, hey.

Waiting my whole life for praise.

Waiting for someone to call.

Someone to walk through that door.

Waiting for anyone to call.

Waiting for anyone to call.

I won't get mad as this doctor is like.

If he drove a bus, he'd be sacked.

And then I'd go to sleep.

But I'm still waiting in my dream.

Leading 50 back his shoes of National Geographic magazine.

For Christ's sake, can I go in sleep?

Can you just...

Can you?

Get well, everybody. Have a nice day.

APPLAUSE

Now, look at the movie news on the show.

I was reading,

and after the huge success of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy,

they're now planning to make a movie of Tolkien's book The Hobbit as well.

But this time without Peter Jackson,

which to many fans, theme seems unthinkable, you know,

heresy almost is.

I know Jackson wanted to make the film,

but he's fallen out with a studio over a paid espusal, some such.

But it does raise the question,

who's going to step up to the plate and direct The Hobbit now?

Well, a few big names have already been approached

and asked to shoot some sample scenes,

including Australia's very own Nick Gianopoulos.

Bilbo, you must accompany me to the lonely mountain

to slay the dragon's morn.

Oh, sweet! Can we take the monoron?

Oh, my God, it's a fucking light!

A fucking...

Bilbo!

Remove those fluffy dice from the rings.

Oh, but the fully-seed Mike!

Oh, my God!

A sweet!

That could work.

I feel good working, all right?

I do.

But not to be outdone,

I know Woody Allen's also made an audition reel for consideration.

Beware, Bilbo!

Let's the evil power of the ring destroy you utterly.

Jesus, don't scare me like that.

I've got an ulcer here, the size of Yankee's steamy.

By Bilbo!

No, my therapist said that would be very bad for my health.

Believe me, I wouldn't go with you if you were scarlet, your hands...

Look out!

Behind you!

Oh, my God, is that an orc?

Either that or my rabbi's spent too long in the salamia.

Stop him, my girl!

Stop him!

I-I'm sorry if you were a little bit younger,

I'd rather slept with you.

I like it.

I like it, I think he's retained the feel of the original.

I love that he'd do a lot worse than Woody.

I could do worse, but who?

That said, I didn't mind Michael Moore's pitch for the movie either.

To help the hobbits out,

I decided to take them to the headquarters of Halliburton

to show them what real evil looked like.

This ring is a fictitious ring.

It has come from a fictitious land.

It is even more fictitious than George Bush's presidency.

What has your company done to help out disenfranchised hobbits in the Shire?

Shame on you, sir!

Shame on you and your company.

Which mind-laving the thing?

Oh, you're kicking me out now, are you fine?

OK, I'll just go to some factory in Flint, Michigan instead.

Very powerful. Very moving.

Well, from Michael Moore's crusades,

we're a little crusade of my own right now.

I don't like to use the show to soapbox Andrew,

but I know, I know, I know.

I want to go on the record tonight

and say, I don't particularly like nightclub bounces.

It's fair to say they don't particularly like you, Ed.

In fact, not just bounces, but all security guards.

Oh, yes.

Every week on this show, it's not just me, all of us.

We've all had our run-ins with security.

Yep, yep.

I think it's time for a bit of payback.

I think so too.

It's time security firms themselves knew just how it feels to get the Bouncer treatment.

Good, Emma. Not wanting to come in, are you?

Security.

Security, mate.

I'm trying to get a nice, sorry, my too many blocks already, sorry.

Come on, I'm going to put you in a lot of your mod, anyway.

Yeah, thanks a lot, mate.

You know how it is.

Just have to keep you there for a second.

Is it very busy in the end of the month?

You're going to have to keep me up there.

Just close me up, you're going to have to keep me up there.

Yeah.

What do you do?

Got some Monday.