Only Murders in the Building

Oliver Putnam, long considered

New York's most un-land-able bachelor, is in love.

That's right. This merchandise is off the market, bruh.

Ah! Loretta. Whom you have yet to ask out.

You're not supposed to be here.

There was someone in his dressing room.

Whose lipstick is this?

I would imagine it belongs to our killer.

You found my lipstick.

Charles-Haden Savage, I'd be honored.

The answer is yes.

I would love to marry you!

This is a fun twist.

Ah, love! You gotta love it.

Everywhere you look, there it is.

But in the city that never sleeps,

how do you really know who the hell you're sleeping with?

People can conceal some very dirty secrets.

Or fatally fatal flaws.

Everything's fine.

Joy's just loudly shattering sea glass to put in her aquarium.

Sure, sure.

Uh, have you asked your new fiancée about the lipstick yet?

Did she write "fucking pig" on Ben's dressing room mirror?

Oh yeah. No. But, I will.

Charles, you said you would ask her two days ago.

Let us in. We can talk to her.

I am handling the situation in my own time.

See, I told you he didn't need our help,

but I do. Does this scarf say,

"Loretta, I've loved you since the first day I met you"?

I don't know what the scarf is saying, but all I can see is a crayon box.

Ah. Well, see, that's why

we always carry a backup.

- Thank you, Mabel. - Charles,

I can calmly talk to Joy.

You know, investigator woman to suspect woman.

She is not another Jan. I... think. She could be

but it's important for me to be able to interrogate

my murderous girlfriend... fiancée...

Shit.

What about my hair?

Is it giving Karen...

or Cary Grant?

Hold on.

- Mabel Mora, are you going out on a date? - Date?

No! I-- No. No.

Tobert has a suspect he has a lead on.

I'm meeting him for a stakeout,

and the place has a dress code.

- Well, it's a date. - Yeah.

It's a stakeout! When two totally platonic,

semi-professional investigators wait together,

in an out-of-sight, enclosed space,

and watch while a suspect hopefully incriminates themselves,

while we hold in our pee for hours

and eat stale Cheetos.

In a cocktail dress.

Look, I'm gonna unmute your texts.

I'll be in the wings if anything should go haywire.

I'll be okay.

Oy.

Is it possible you're sleeping next to a lunatic, or a liar?

Sure, it is.

But I always tell people, better lose your mind loving

than to live your life loveless.

It's been a while since I dipped my quill

in a woman's ink pot.

Any new moves I should know about?

Please don't make me take the next one.

Joy, can you come in here, please?

Here comes the bride, all dressed in white

She's wearing a thong, we hope that's not wrong

We're late to taste

Magnolia Bakery wedding cakes

- Charlie, you ready to go? - Yeah!

Yeah. Hey, Joy!

Hey, this, uh, Ruby Strippers lipstick?

- Uh-huh. - Did I tell you where we found it?

It was backstage.

- Okay... - Yeah. It was--

in Ben's dressing room to be exact.

I mean, any clue how that would've gotten there?

Hey, Brazzos.

Hang up your badge, okay?

We're on hiatus.

Remember?

Yeah, b-but just for my case files, how would it have gotten there?

Seriously, President McKinley?

This is your last strike!

President McKinley?

I always wanted to be friends with a president,

but this one's an asshole.

You think I don't see what you're doing, you slimy-finned terrorist?

I do not tolerate bullies.

You're in solitary, POTUS.

Joy,

someone wrote a threatening message on Ben's mirror with this.

Do you know anything about that?

Charles-Haden Savage.

Do you honestly think I had something to do with Ben's death?

- Whoa! - Happy engagement!

Ow!

Whoa! Charles, you gotta get you to my Pilates guy.

And my face guy.

You got a little Shar-Pei action going on there.

- Sazzmatazz! - Almond Joy!

Oh...

You know, they say a gift given in love

has the power to wipe away any storm brewing.

It's an 18-piece fondue set.

- Oh, thank you. - Aw, we missed ya, Sazzmanian Devil.

Well, Wile E. Joy-ote,

apparently not enough for your new fiancé

to make me his understudy in the play.

- Oh, well, I-- - I'm over it.

I'm doing stunts for Bakula next week in LA.

Are you cheating on me with Scott?!

Ooh.

Woo!

Do send Scotty my love.

I miss his faith in me.

He never accuses me of horrible things.

You know what, Charles?

You trust my palate, right?

I think that, uh, I can taste test these cakes on my own.

You stay here with Sazz.

Maybe she wants to be interrogated.

Ooh.

Okay, talk to mama.

- Oh! Oliver, you're here. - Ah.

- I thought I heard someone. - You're a vision.

Well...

Enchanté, ma chérie.

Oh. Welcome to my slice of New York.

It's itty-bitty, but it's, you know, it's...

- Oh! Mm-hmm. - Art!

It's art.

Who are you?

I'm a woman with a broken microwave.

Which is why I'm forced to improvise with this...

prehistoric broiler that I never use!

You do like pork chops though, don't you?

Oh, sure. Love solid food. Love...

chewing on a chop.

Yeah.

You know, I zap a perfectly pink one in my microwave.

- Yeah? Mm... - But it's broken and now my timing,

- the temperature, all thrown off. - C-Can I assist?

No, just, uh, pop a squat, kumquat.

Oh.

So... unique.

What's this fun thing?

- Oh no! Don't open that! Don't do that! - Oh!

S... I'm sorry. I didn't...

Didn't mean to jump the gun.

Dinner before dessert, I always say.

Oh.

There you are.

- Hi. - Hi.

You look fantastic.

Thanks. You also look, um...

Well, you know, I clean up.

So, we're here because your suspect

likes swanky piano bars?

Oh, I already ordered us some, uh, bites.

I wasn't sure what your drink was.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome...

Wait, what's going on? Wh-Where's your lead?

Hey, cool cats.

I'm Johnny Jay, and I'm gonna sing for you tonight.

Just a song at twilight

When the lights are low

Jonathan?

Howard's sweet boyfriend is your guy?

Well, he was. I thought he was a great suspect.

Ben's understudy?

Who else had more to gain from him dying, you know?

But, I've been following him around for a while now,

and all I could find out was that he volunteers with Broadway Cares

and has this fantastic weekly cabaret set.

- You've gotta be kidding me. - No, seriously.

He did, uh, Somewhere Over The Rainbow last week. I actually wept.

Let me get this straight. You texted me saying you have a lead.

I text you saying "tell me more."

You say "meet me here," I'm here,

and now you're telling me you don't have a lead.

You're just Jonathan's biggest cabaret fan.

And now, I am on a date with that cute girl from the armoire.

Okay, yes, I got creative. Is that okay?

Mezcal old-fashioned.

Is my drink.

That I'm now gonna need.

Yes, ma'am.

Let's unpack what just happened.

Safe space. Well, safe-ish.

This is the Arconia.

Oh, abnormal amount of death in this place.

By the way, are we sure that the killer was after Ben,

- and not you, Charles? - What?