Top Five

I'm telling you, everything means something.

No, everything does not mean something, okay?

Sometimes a movie is just a movie.

Sometimes a song is just a song,

sometimes a joke is just a joke.

Remember those, jokes? Yeah, I remember 'em.

Okay. So lighten up. We have a black President now.

A little bit. Just a little excited. Half black! Half black!

And whenever something goes well in the country,

the white people go, "oh, the President's doing such a great job."

And then whenever there's a problem, it's like,

"that nigga's ruining everything!"

Nope. We are going to have a woman President next and.

She is going to be Latina. Yeah? Ooh, okay.

And she might even be gay.

And we'll have an Asian President. Oh, a balanced budget.

And we will have another handicapped President.

Okay, hold on. We're not gonna have a handicapped President.

We already had one. No, no. I'm talking about

out-the-closet handicapped President.

He was out of the closet. What is wrong... Okay. That...

Hey, hey. Don't get me wrong.

People knew that he was handicapped.

No, I got nothing against the handicapped,

but everybody's not as liberal as me, okay?

The media wasn't better then.

I mean, you "run" for President, you don't "roll" for President.

Like, you'll "run" a campaign, you don't "roll" a campaign.

You are horrible. I'm not horrible.

That is sick. What is wrong with you?

I'm the one voting for the Mexican lesbian handicapped President.

Oh, my God. You know what?

People are more accepting now.

It is literally rough for women, okay?

But I am hopeful, because people are changing, okay?

You need to wake up and smell the progress.

No, no, no, no. You need to wake up, okay?

Wake up and smell the progress.

Nothing's changed. Yes!

Black man trying to get a cab in New York City.

Ha-ha. Watch this bullshit. MAN: What's up, Hammy!

Black man trying to get a cab.

Look at this! Ha, ha. Taxi, taxi!

Taxi, taxi! Yeah. (BRAKES SCREECH)

At this special edition of my program

at this great university.

In 2005, time magazine

voted today's guest "the funniest man in America."

By 2010,

the former stand-up had hit it big

with a string of blockbuster movies,

including Hammy the bear 1, 2 and 3.

Hammy: All right, Sanchez, here's the plan.

I need you to get that box of guns across the street.

We don't got time for that. (GUNSHOTS)

Sanchez, you got plenty of time.

You got Hammy time! Now go!

It's Hammy time! It's Hammy time!

It's Hammy time!

It's Hammy time!

When you were in school, were you the class clown?

When's the next Hammy movie? (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And after some run-ins with the law

due to a battle with alcoholism...

I mean, I was at this restaurant the other day,

and I saw this guy drink half a beer.

And I was like, wow, how the hell he do that?

Do you think you're ever gonna go back to stand-up?

I am past stand-up.

I've done it. I had fun with it.

Here's the thing.

To me, there's nothing better

than the first day your movie comes out,

and sneaking into the back of a theater,

and just watching people enjoy themselves.

Did you lose your taste though for comedy?

I want to make uplifting entertainment.

I wanna make... Like uprize?

Like uprize. I want to make

thought-provoking entertainment.

Opening today, you can see him play the Haitian revolutionary

dutty boukman in his new movie, uprize.

And you can also see him getting married

to reality star Erica long

on bravo.

Hi!

Look who's here.

Hi, doll. BENNY: Hey, beautiful.

Hey, would you mind getting in on the other side of the car

and then exiting this side? Please, it's for the show.

Fuck you, Benny. I'm not on your show.

No, you are on the show, you're just not getting paid.

Guys, play nice, please. (SCOFFS) I always play nice.

It's not me.

Mr. groom, baby, we are almost there.

We've got three more days and then we're married.

You happy?

I'm happy. I'm just a little stressed out

from this movie. That's all. Oh...

Why are you stressed? Baby, you did great work.

I know. I know. You murdered that role.

Thank you. Thank you. Okay?

Where's my kiss?

Do we have to do this on camera?

Let's just get off camera. Let's go back in the car.

If it's not on camera, it doesn't exist.

Our thanks to Andre Allen! (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHANTING) Hammy! Hammy!

You know, today's one of those days

I feel like having a drink.

Not funny. Don't talk like that.

And I don't feel like getting you out of jail.

Don't worry, no slip-ups.

Hey. Thanks.

You know, I can't wait to see the movie play in a theater later!

It's gonna be packed. Oh.

It's gonna be something else.

I can't wait. (CHUCKLING)

Ooh, I love me a big girl.

You moving with confidence.

Mmm.

Oh, by the way,

Erica wants you to wear a red shirt on the plane,

and when you get off, she will have a camera crew waiting for you.

Camera crew, red shirt.

Able to find me amongst the sea of niggas

getting off of private jets?

Okay, whatever, man. Let's move on to the next interview.

Next interview? I thought I was done

until xm and the junket.

Well, Charles just texted me this one.

They need you for a few hours.

A wyclef movie is hard to sell.

Everybody in the barber shop

wants to see you in that bear costume.

They love you in that bear costume.

You gotta wear it, baby.

Yeah, but they can't even see my face.

But they feeling you, son.

I told you, I don't feel like doing funny movies anymore.

I don't feel funny. We talked about this.

Save some of that stuff for your times interview.

Times? Fuck the times.

You act like you've never had a bad review before.

I could take one, but every one?

"Every one," really?

Come on, man. Look at this shit.

"Andre Allen is the most pathetic character"

"in cinema today."

"If he ever put out another movie,"

"I would not see it"

"if it was playing in my glasses."

Why the fuck would somebody say some shit like that?

That's James Nielson. That's what he does.

He's a critic. And he won't show his face.

No, fuck James Nielson.

He's been ripping my shit apart for years.

The next one's a chick.

She just wants to do a profile piece on you.

And I think she's a big fan of yours.

Fuck the times.

You're gonna do this, okay?

I'm not going to go back and forth with you about this.

We talked about it. It's the New York times.

Do you hear me? The New York times!

That movie crossbusters, what'd I say to you, Andre?

That little baseball movie, what I say to you, Andre?

You said it wasn't a good idea.

Now, when you tell me you wanted to do that movie

about the Haitian revolution, Andre, what'd I say to you?

You said it wasn't a good idea, okay?

No. No, no, no, no, you're wrong, Andre.

That's not what I said. I said, "nigga, is you crazy?"

I emailed it! I sent the email out

with a bunch of racial slurs and bad English

to my own company account!

The reason why I did it, Andre,

was 'cause I wanted to be on file

to show people that I was against this!

I was against this project! I... I jeopardized my job.

You know that? I almost ruined my job.

What are you talking about?

A nigga can't get fired for saying "nigga" to a nigga.

You've never been more wrong. A nigga can...

A nigga can get fired for saying "nigga" to a nigga.

A nigga don't run this damn company.

Matter of fact, if niggas at this company

found out that I was using the word nigga in here,

my black ass would be on the street.

I guess you're right, nigga, but I don't want to do this.

I hate the times. Everything I do, they trash.

Look, Andre, they're gonna write the story anyway.

And I mean, it's hard enough getting you a job as it is.

I mean, it's not like everybody's knocking on your door for work.

It's really hard to get you work. You know that, I know that.

Are you kidding me? Listen, Andre, the wedding is the best thing

that you got going right now.

And let's be honest.

Andre, if this thing flops,

we could be talking dancing with the stars, man.