Seinfeld

Every mall has a Hoffritz in it.

That's got to be a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel.

Do you want to stand there having people going:

"I need knives. I need more knives.

Do you have any bigger knives?

I'd like a bigger knife. A big, long, sharp knife.

That's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp.

Do you have one with hooks and gouges...

and blades that are kind of serrated?

That's the kind of knife I'm looking for.

I need one I can throw. I need one I can hack away with.

Do you have anything like that?"

Like you know what you're talking about.

Oh, no. You do?

Well, what do you think, they put the statue on a giant raft...

and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?

Think they brought it in pieces...

and screwed it together like a coffee table?

What's going on? It's a little early for a Christmas party.

- Why'd France give that to us anyway? - It was a gift.

Countries just exchange gifts like that?

If they like each other.

- There's Elaine. - See that guy she's talking with?

- That's her new boyfriend. - Really?

He works here in the office?

They're having a little fling, so don't say anything to anyone.

Who am I gonna tell, my mother? Like I have nothing better to talk about.

You don't.

He's a recovering alcoholic.

- Really? - He's been off the wagon two years.

- "Off the wagon"? - I think it's "off the wagon."

I think it's "on the wagon."

Jerry, George, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

My God! My watch! You found my watch.

Keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.

- Where'd you find it? - Under the sofa cushion.

- You stopped by just to give it to me? - It's your Christmas present.

- I thought I'd never find it. - Today's your lucky day.

No, today is your lucky day.

- It would be my first one. - You want to work here?

- What? - Yeah. One of the readers just left.

There's a job opening.

Dick, this is Jerry. And this is George.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Is this the guy?

"The guy"?

- Dick. - How can you just get it?

My boss said to find someone. I'm in charge.

All you have to do is meet him. Come on.

- No, come on. Hold my drink. - Cranberry juice?

And vodka. Come on.

I got the cranberry juice.

So...

- you're Jerry. - So...

l'm Jerry.

So have you ever done this kind of work before?

Well, you know, book reports, that kind of stuff.

- Who do you read? - I like Mike Lupica.

Mike Lupica?

He's a sportswriter for the Daily News.

- I find him very insightful. - No, I mean authors.

Well...

a lot of good ones. Lot of good ones.

I don't even wanna mention anybody...

because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out.

- Name a couple. - Who do I like?

I like Art Vandalay.

- Art Vandalay? - He's an obscure writer.

Beatnik, you know, from the village.

What's he written?

Venetian Blinds.

I got news for you. I'm funnier than you are.

Why don't we get together New Year's, watch some football?

- Where's my drink? - There. So how'd it go?

I think he's impressed.

No, no, this is just cranberry juice.

I think maybe Dick picked up yours.

Dick?

He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.

I didn't know you meant hold it. I thought you meant hold it.

One drink like that, and he could fall right off the wagon.

Told you.

I never feel comfortable in the women's department.

I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.

Do I really have to buy her something?

The woman got you a job. Least you could do is buy her a gift.

How about this?

- What is that, cashmere? - Yeah. She loves cashmere.

Who doesn't like cashmere?

Find me one person that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.

Wow, look at this. It's $85, marked down from 600.

- Excuse me, miss? - Yes.

How come this sweater's only $85?

Oh, here. This is why.

- What? I don't see anything. - See this red dot?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, it's damaged.

It's not really damaged.

Wow. $85?

There's no exchanges on this.

- Think she'd care about the dot? - It's hard to say.

I don't think she'd notice. Can you see it?

- Well, I can see it. - But you know where it is.

- What do you want me to do, not look? - Pretend you didn't know it was there.

- Can you see it? - It's hard to pretend...

because I know where it is. - Can't you take an overview?

You want me to take an overview?

I see a cheap man holding a sweater...

trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

- Yeah, so? - He's acting very strangely.

I think he started drinking again.

- Oh, boy. Can you smell it? - No, I can't smell it.

If you can't smell it, then he hasn't been drinking.

- You don't always smell from a drink. - Yes, you do.

What about one drink? Would you smell from one drink?

Yes, you would.

- I'll prove it. - How?

- Would you do me a favour? - Okay.

Would you take a drink, and let us smell you?

You can smell me without the drink.

No, no.

I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking, but I can't smell it.

- Come on. - Okay. Well, what am I drinking?

I got a bottle of Scotch my uncle gave me. Hennigan's.

It's been there two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.

All right.

- I don't smell anything. - We're too close to the bottle.

- Yeah? - It's George.

- Come on up. - That is damn good Scotch.

I could do a commercial for this stuff.

Boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth...

and afterwards, you don't even smell.

That's right, folks. I just had three shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell.

Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day.

That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.

- Hello, everybody. - Hey, George, come here.

I'm gonna tell you what I think.

I know you don't care what I think, but I'm gonna tell you.

I think that you are terrific.

That's all.

Thank you.

- Hey, what's that? - It's an early Christmas present.

- A Christmas present? - That's right.

- For who? - For you.

Get out of here.

Say you got a big job interview and you're nervous.

Throw back a couple of shots of Hennigan's...

and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time.

And because it's odourless, why, it'll be our little secret.

Kramer.

Yeah. That'll do.

Oh, George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere?

- Of course it's cashmere. - Oh, I love cashmere.

- Who doesn't? - Oh, my God.

George, this must have cost a fortune.

Money.

Jerry, how could you let him spend so much?

I tried to stop him.

I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.

George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.

Good. Good. Listen, take it off. You're gonna wear it out already.

It's for special occasions, this thing.

What's that red dot on your sweater?

- What? - Listen, take it off.

I'm getting hot just looking at it.

What is this? It's like a red dot.

What? What red dot? What are you talking about?

Jerry, come here for a second. Do you see anything here?

I don't know.

I don't know.

- What don't you know? - I don't know.

Well, do you see it, or don't you?

Say that again.

Do you see it, or don't you?

Do I see it or don't I? That's the question.

Now, what did you ask me again?

You're still here? You're a dynamo.

- I can't believe I get paid for this. - God.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- How you doing? - Hello.

You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk?

Who are you? How did you do that?

Hennigan's.

Hennigan's?