Weeds

Previously on Weeds:

-Everybody all right? -Snowflake?

She's in shock. Slap her.

-What's this? -You're looking at a fine...

...and an anti-drug class.

I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler with my gat.

My therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.

Judah was my brother. I miss him too, Nancy.

Okay, look, I made a mistake, okay.

I don't want Chelsea, I don't want any other girl, all right. I want you.

Could my cover business eventually become my real business?

What about this place as the bakery?

I have cancer.

-What do you think about these? -I don't give a flying fuck...

...if you do have cancer, put your tits away in front of my kid.

I love you, Mommy.

I love you, Mommy.

Shit.

Good morning, ladies and "jointlemen."

My name's Billy, I'm a pothead.

I think these weekly Marijuana Anonymous meetings are really helping me quit...

...because every Saturday, between nine and 10, I don't get high.

Jesus, what a nimrod.

One time, I stared at my aquarium, wondering: "After fish have sex...

...do they fight about who sleeps on the dry spot?"

If we have to sit through this dreck, they should pass out joints at the door.

-It's the only humane thing to do. -Hey, man, comedy is Billy's art.

Don't be calling Billy's art "dreck."

-Hey, buddy, do you have a problem? -I didn't think so, but the judge disagreed.

Okay. So let's all join me in the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

...the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

What does this mean?

It's just boilerplate legalese for a lease.

-Hey. -Don't look at me...

-...I'm fucked up on cornbread. -What made me think...

-...I could run a bakery? -Me.

You just have to make it look like a bakery to legitimize your dealing.

-You just called me a dealer. -You are a dealer.

We're in my house.

I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute...

...illegal products through a sham bakery...

...set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.

-At least I can get myself off. -What's that supposed to mean?

-ln court, I'm a lawyer, I can get myself off. -Maybe I should have gone to law school.

You need a cool nickname, like "lce Pick."

-Who's lce Pick? -It's my old drug dealer.

-What happened to him? -Opened up a sham deli and got busted.

I'm joking. I'm joking.

He went back to Pittsburg.

Mom! Mom, mom, mom! Do we have any batteries?

-No. -Are you sure?

-Trust me, no. -Well, can we go to Costco?

-Not now, honey. -I'm bored.

Go read a book.

Okay.

-Sign here. -No, no. Wait, wait.

-I haven't explained everything yet. -It's all yours, Smokey.

-Smokey? -I'm working on it.

-Hi, I'm Andy. -Hi, I'm Sharon.

Sharon, this is my first meeting.

I just had you tell you, I was so moved by your words.

Well, they're not my words. It's a prayer.

You see how-- You had such convictions, you know?

You were kind of rude during sharing, and you were late.

Well, I'm having a really hard time off the pot.

It makes me so cranky and unpunctual. I'm sorry about that.

No, no, I understand, it's very hard.

And Billy is kind of a nimrod.

He is kind of a nimrod.

So, what did you think of your first meeting?

Truthfully?

I'm not really sure I'm strong enough to stay clean.

I think if you're honest with yourself, and you're willing to share with the group...

-...you can do this. -That's so right.

Then that's really what I want, everything that you said.

God, you're so together and beautiful. Sponsor me.

No, there are people here who are better qualified to help you.

And sponsors should really be the same sex.

-Why? -So there's no emotional ties...

-...between the sponsor and sponsee. -What about gays?

-Are you gay? -Would you sponsor me?

-Andy. -Okay, look....

Here it is. When I was young, my stepfather, he....

I can't talk to men. I have no trust for them.

If I have no one I can open up to, then I fear the worst.

I'm frightened, Sharon. I'm alone, and I'm frightened.

Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome.

It's the last time I do this.

-Better get over your fear of bullets, girl. -Give me some time.

-I'm sure it's an acquired taste. -You know what?

Find yourself another delivery boy.

Strong, proud, black men like myself tend to stick out around here.

-You smell like vindaloo. -Good nose.

No, no, good everything.

-Where you gonna store this stuff, girl? -At home.

-Why the hell would you bring it home? -Because that's where I keep it.

You only bring home the weed you know...

...you gonna be moving real quick, right?

You lucky you got pretty eyes and a sweet bedunkadunk.

-What? -Your booty's nice.

Thank you. Heylia keeps her weed at home.

But Heylia ain't got two kids running around, do she?

She damn sure ain't got a sweet place like this.

Strangest thing, banks won't give business loans...

...to poor, black, soon-to-be grandmothers from West Adams.

-They will only give loans to white dealers. -Don't call me a dealer.

Baby, a sexy spade is still a spade.

What are we playing?

-Terrorists. -I'm hungry.

You can eat once your precious government releases our prisoners.

-Do you guys have Fruit Roll-Ups? -Silence!

Come in.

Hi.

Let me save you some typing, okay? I'm an asshole.

I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole.

So are we cool?

Right.

Cedar closet, hidden locks...

...turkey bags, Seal-a-Meal. These are the things that you need to know.

-Turkey bags? -You need to build a secret locker...

...and you need to line it with cedar. That's gonna help keep the bugs out.

-I should be writing this down. -You trying to get us arrested?

Look, protect that locker with a secret lock.

Now, the weed that you break into on a daily, you wanna store that...

...in your turkey bags, that hides the smell. Then again, you could sprinkle that...

...all over and wouldn't be able to tell here. How do you not know this?

I live in Agrestic.

Do you know how to turn on automatic sprinklers?

Hey, Silas.

Shit.

-Give me the weed. -What weed?

Don't fuck around. Give me the weed.

Jesus. Is this what you wanna be...

...a couple of fucking teenage burnouts? "Oh, I'm 16. I have zits. Life's so tough!"

"Oh, I'm deaf. I can't hear. Life's so unfair!"

-What will you do with it? -Give it to your mother.

-You wouldn't. -lf Marijuana Anonymous...

...teaches us anything, smoking dope, it might be a lot of fun right now.

Soon, you're gonna learn, it teaches you to live in a privately defined world.

A world that gets smaller and smaller as you box yourself in.

You narrow your options, until you're left with absolutely nothing.

That's pretty much cashed.

You American dogs have 24 hours to comply and leave our country, or else....

You are seriously twisted, Strange Botwin.

Don't say my name, infidel!