Bridget & Eamon

Hello. 3-2-zero-nought-0-0.

What?

I thought I told you never to call here again.

That's disgusting!

Oh my God. How dare you!

You've gone too far now. Eamon! Eamon!

Your mother's on the phone.

Hi Mammy. Hiya.

Yeah. It's mental looking.

It still looks like she was electrocuted.

What?

Yeah, it's massive. It's getting bigger.

Yeah, I know. I'm your special little boy.

I know I'm your special little boy.

Mammy, I know.

Okay, I love you. Okay. Bye bye.

Bye bye Mammy.

Okay, love you. Bye bye.

I love you Mammy. Okay, bye bye.

Don't ever talk to my mother like that again!

Eamon. Eamon, get up!

Eamon. I'm hosting that party for Father Gabriel and the man

from Dublin and Jesus, they're going to be here in 17 hours!

- What party? - What party!

Eamon, I've been organising this for weeks.

I've decorated the whole house.

Bridget, I don't pay attention to you. You know that.

Isn't that lovely. Isn't that lovely now.

And all I do for you.

I've had your 6 to 8 children. The last one, he nearly killed me.

He was big he walked out of me with the Inter Cert and

what do I get in return? - I'll tell you what you get.

You get to get up and get me my breakfast. How's that!

I'm talking about feelings, Eamon.

When was the last time you told me you loved me?

I told you on the night of out wedding that I liked you Bridget.

Don't be talking about love around the kids.

- They'll grow up to be weirdos. - It's not enough.

I need passion. Lust Eamon.

I need to be told Bridget, I love you.

Passion, lust and new cylinders for the Soda Stream.

- Feck off. - You've crossed the line now.

- You've gone too far. - They're 3.75 a canister.

I'm not talking about the Soda Stream.

I'm talking about us.

Sometimes I think we should get a d.. A d..

- I can't even say it. - Go on. Go on, say it.

Because we're not getting a dog.

Not after what the last one did in the sitting room.

I told you white carpet was a problem there.

The minute he opened up the landing gears.

- The minute he saw it. - A divorce Eamon!

A divorce. Oh that's rich coming from you.

And you have your party later on with Fr. Gabriel and the man from Dublin.

Who by the way, is from Dublin.

They've all have divorces up there. He probably has had a divorce.

How could he be? It's illegal, you dope.

And another thing!

If you come back here pissed up out of your head with that

brother Feilim, making a show of me in front of Fr. Gabriel

and the man from Dublin, who by the way, is from Dublin,

I'll make you spend the day with the kids.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Everybody calm down.

Look, this conversation has gotten away from us Bridget.

I do.. I do..

I lo..

I do lo..

I love the jizzy milk Bridget.

Is there enough gas for half a glass there?

Make your own jizz.

Yo dude! Eamon!

It's great to be back on the old sod.

Who are you?

It's me, Feilim man. Come on.

Why are you talking like that?

You know, it's been a long time, man.

It's been a year. I dropped you off here last April.

Come on dude. So much for the land of a thousand welcomes.

Feilim, remember when you were 4 and you came home from school

and told myself and Father that you wanted to be an astronaut.

- And the father says, get up on the roof there and jump off. - Yeah.

Remember what happened. You broke your arm.

Do you remember what the father said to you?

- He said you're not an astronaut. - What is your point Eamon?

You're not American now either.

Now get in the car and stop shiting on.

Do you know what?

I've wanted to say this to you for 20 years

and I hope it devastates you.

- Well he wasn't your real fat.. - Want to go for a pint, yes or no?

Yeah, go on.

No, you'll have the get out and push.

Then I said, I feel like Bobby Ewing.

She said what, all confused and out of the shower?

I said, no. I'd like a feel of Bobby Ewing.

Oh!

He can step out of my shower any day, girls.

No, no. You don't have a shower.

The bath then, you bore.

I don't think he's worth putting the emersion on for!

Or the coil.

Bridget, you're going to have to get rid of her 'cause she's going

to make a total show of you in front of the man from Dublin.

She's gone sex mad ever since she watched The Lover's Guide on The Late Late.

They say whiskey makes you frisky.

But brandy makes you want a threesome.

Jesus Christ.

I don't want any trouble Barbara.

Trouble is my middle name.

No it's not. It's Finbar.

To be quite frank, I think it adds to your anger.

- If you want me to leave, make me! - No.

Look, I'm walking away.

You're too good of a neighbour to hurt.

Oh my God, look! It's Johnny Logan!

Where?

Fight! Go on! Go on!

Get back in there, Bridget.

Rip her feckin' head off.

Hit her!

When I was 17 a young fella grabbed me by the arse

and you know what I did? - (SCREAMS)

I told him to start with the tits.

I don't like doing this, Barbara.

NO! No! No!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Okay, it's time to go.

I think I did my hip.

Oh Jesus. Do you want a lift home?

Come here to me. Come here.

He's here!

Remember the time..

We left you in that mad lad's house. What was his name?

I can't think now.

We came back a few days later and you were crying.

Yeah, I remember that.

Remember the time myself and the father told you

there was a nuclear war.

We buried you out in the back garden.

- Then we came back, you were crying. - Yeah.

Remember the time,

you came home from school and there was no-one in the house.

The father wrote you a note saying we'd all moved to America

and you couldn't come 'cause you were stupid.

We came back a few days later and you were crying.

Which is ironic 'cause you ended up doing to America.

You know that stuff scarred me, Eamon.

- That cut me deep. - Ah shut up.

It was only a bit of craic.

How's that American wife of yours?

That's the reason I'm home.

- She wreckin' your head already? - You could say that.

That's not good. Better off separating.

That's exactly it. That's why I'm home.

Me and the misses are splitting up.

For a while, then tell her to shut up.

Works for me and Bridget.

Paid. Give us two more pints here and two small ones.

You're paying for them.

Bridget hello.

- This is Declan Butler from Butler PR. - From Dublin?

Yep, I'm from Dublin.

- The man from Dublin? - Declan.

Declan, the man from Dublin.

Yes.

Declan, the man from Dublin, Butler.

Yeah. Can we come in or..

Yes. You may.

Ladies, please welcome Declan, the man from Dublin, Butler.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Please call me Declan.

He's gas!

I'll cut to the chase.

Father, could you set up the projector please?

- Now, would you like a mint Viscount? - I'm fine, thank you.

- He's okay. He's fine. He's fine. - Shut up, you fool.

So ladies, I run a successful PR company called Butler PR.

It's a great title.

- PR as you all know stands for...? - Paul Rory.

No. It stands for public relations.

No, no. It stands for Paul Rory.

He works in the butchers in town.

Shut the fuck up, Concepta.

Thank you.

I have been tasked by the No Campaign, with finding a shining light.

A figurehead that sets an example to Irish people to vote no

in the upcoming referendum.

Father. Lights please.

This is Bridget and Eamon.

Oh my God! I'm on the telly.

Where'd you get those photos?

The No Campaign asked me to assist Declan so

when yourself and Eamon went to Thurles to see Philomena Begley,

I let myself in your house and went through all your stuff.

Oh my God. You are so good.

As I was saying, Bridget and Eamon. Married at 20.

Have 6 to 8 children.

They go to mass every Sunday.

They watch The Late Late Show even though they think it's shite.

They consume vast quantities of pork, cigarettes, sucky sweets and tea.