Spy

Right, well, if everyone's ready, then.

My name is Paula,

and I'm here to help you all get along a little better.

Good luck with that. Isn't he a treasure?

Now, Marcus, we're going to meet here every few weeks

and when I report back to the court,

if naughty Daddy has failed to show that he can look after you properly,

you will go back to live with your mummy. Is that clear?

Translucent. How have things been? Great. Appalling.

General agreement. No agreement. What problems have there been?

May I? Yes, of course.

Thank you all for coming here today.

This is a difficult situation and we all want what's best for the child.

Nicely articulated, Marcus. Bit pretentious.

How could I describe Tim's parenting skills? Exemplary? Feebl

Tim is a dreadful father.

That's not true. It is.

He's always late... I object!

It's not a courtroom, Tim. His cooking is abysmal. Updated classic

Gary Rhodes? The house is a death trap.

Terrifying! Give me one example.

OK, there might be a tiny bit of snagging.

And he has unsuitable friends.

Well, that's not true, because I don't have any friends, so bad luck.

Objection!

Sustained! I withdraw.

In summary, I humbly request

that I be allowed to live with my mother and Philip.

Really don't want to talk about Philip.

No offence, Philip. Don't worry about me, bro.

Very impressive presentatio. It certainly was. I want you.

I'm sorry?

Sorry? You want me?

I... Don't think so.

You disgust me, Tim. Sly goat!

Tim and I would never enter into a relationship.

No! God, no! A forbidden romance?

Absolutely not! Like An English Patient.

Never! Very unlikely.

Never! Watch this space. Ignore the space. We'll see.

But now, to help you achieve your goals, I have prepared this chart.

Every time Daddy does something good, you give him a gold star.

Every time he does something bad, give him a black star.

That is genius! Not exactly scientific.

It's for children, Tim. Still, it's pretty meaningless.

Do you see how this works? I do. Unfairly.

Tim? Paula? Do you know what I tell fathers?

Try and be a hero to your son.

It's that simple. Hm. That's not simple.

Negative attitude.

OK.

Good.

Scan in progress.

Louise Webster.

Um, no, it's Tim Elliott. Have a good day, Louise!

OK, come on!

Yeah, sit anywhere. So...

first day... Nervous?

No, sir! 'Course you are. Listen up, people. I...

am The Examiner.

It's a good title, isn't it? Powerful.

Over the next months, you will undergo extensive training

in all key operational areas.

But I will repeat, if anyone discovers you work for MI5,

you're out of here. Is that clear?

Yes, sir. I haven't told anyone.

What is the first rule of weaponry? Safety. Restraint.

Have fun! Really? You bet! I'd go with safety.

Have you seen this stuff? This is seriously cool.

Two-way earpieces, recordable pens,

smoke grenades. Check out the taser.

50,000 volts.

Thank you very much.

Don't you just want to sink that charge into someone?

Only if use of force is reasonable. Who's to say if it is?

The courts. Or us? No, the courts. It's a grey area.

Not really. As long as we have fun, eh? Am I right or am I right?

Legally you're not right. Spot on, sir!

Good lad. Pair up, grab some gear.

Target acquisition exercise in 30 minutes.

Oh, great.

Have you located the target?

I... Am The Examiner.

Ohhh... Stop messing about, Alpha One.

Sorry.

I found it! Ahh! Yes, OK! I heard you, Alpha One!

Just get the bag and bring it back to the RV.

My bag! Whoa!

My bag, thank you! No, it isn't.

Is evening bag.

Just ignore him and let's go! OK, if it's your bag, what's in it?

A dog? A dog.

Microwave? Do you need backup? No, no, negative.

I'm on my way, over. Immigration?

No, I'm not with Immigration. You spy on me naked.

OK, bye bye.

No!

Yes! Spy! Give that back!

Alpha One, come in, Alpha One.

Oh, that's... That's disgusting.

Aaagh! Ohhh!

Sorry.

Are you OK?

Thank God.

Ohhh!

Come in, Alpha One!

Tim?

It really is an incredible story, Tim. Stop it.

My viewers are going to love this.

"Single father rescues terrorised homeless man." Wow, put like that...

Yesterday you were just a pointless Civil Service computer dweeb.

I wouldn't quite say... And now you're this huge local hero!

Come on!

This is ludicrous.

Your son must tell you all the time how proud he is of you. Oh, he does

With his eyes. I assume this earns a gold star?

Not yet! Marcus! Let's remedy that straight away.

Do you want to give your dad a gold star for bravery?

Sadly we're all out of gold ones. Bought some more.

How about that, Marcus?

How about that, Marcus? Well played, Tim.

And Jarek, can you still not remember anything about the attack?

Nothing.

One minute is OK,

next minute...

blackness. Pity.

Isn't it? Well, if you do remember anything, I would love...

The viewers will have forgotten by then.

So, where will Jarek go now?

I don't know, it's very sad. I stay here.

No. No, I don't think that's ideal.

Ideal. Not your call.

Excellent idea!

Perfect, yes!

Marcus? Can Jarek please stay with us, Daddy?

Please?

This is turning into a terrific story.

I'm gonna fast-track you onto my show tomorrow.

Beg you not to. Don't mention it, Tim.

Urgent toilet.

Again?

We're joined now by single father Tim Elliott,

who really does have an extraordinary tale to tell. Tim,

welcome. Great to see you today.

Thanks ever so much for coming.

I'm watching it now. ...Mother Teresa meets Steven Seagal.

And? It's OK. You look a little... Fat. I know.

I was gonna say effeminate, but who cares?

You're a bona fide hero! This is gonna make you some serious action!

Really? For some women, being heroi is even more important than money.

You are a deeply cynical man.

I'll see you later.

'There I was... ' I know him!

Yes, a homeless dirty man. A homeless dirty man. Yes.

Are we crazy?

One of us might be! This can't go on, Tim. OK! And yet it must!

Really? You can't put a name on this.

Sexual harassment? Do you want me to lose my job?

Increasingly, yes. You must be strong for both of us.

Tell me what to do. Leave me alone?

I'll do anything you say.

Your silence says it all. Sod off?

I know, baby... I know...

Were you scared? No, sweetheart, I don't do scared.

This isn't just my job, this is...

Excuse me. ...who I am.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Ooh, sorry, love.

You alright? Oi, Blue Thunder, The Examiner wants you.

I'm sorry, ladies, duty calls.

Yeah.

Tim, come in.

Siddown. Thank you.

Whisky? It's 10am, sir.

Gin? Er, I'm fine. When I started here,

drinking was only allowed after hours. But I changed that. Know why?

You have a drink problem? Because I am a maverick.

I do what needs to be done. Man of action.

I think you are too. Thanks.

I like you, Tim. Thank you.

Almost too much. Bit weird.

You showed tremendous courage yesterday. Yeah. In a way.

So, Action Man...

when are you going to kill the hobo?

Sorry? The Bulgarian. When are you gonna punch his card?

Not sure I understand.

We can't have this Jarek creature discovering that you're MI5.