JJ Villard's Fairy Tales

Buh-bye, Mommy!

I'm going to play with all the wonderful creatures

in the Enchanted Forest.

Oh, that's wonderful, Goldilocks.

Just don't get lost.

You know how years ago your dad went for a walk in the forest,

and he never came back.

Please, Goldi, just be home before dark.

Oh, Mother, don't worry.

I'll be back before the moon kisses your nose.

Hurry up, boys. I'm hungry.

Make that goddamn porridge.

And make it good.

Mama, want me to grind up

some of these trolls

and put them in the porridge?

No, you half-wit!

I want you to grind up some of the trolls,

and put them in the porridge!

Y-Yes, Mama.

Ha ha! You dope!

Mama loves me more.

I'm Mama's favorite.

No, Mama loves me best.

[ Hive Head and Bearstein laugh ]

Mama Bear: Eat up, my lovable screwballs.

We got work to do.

Look what you did to the porridge!

It's too hot!

Mama, I'm sorry.

We just ain't as smart as you, Mama.

All right.

Let's go down to the creek to get some catfish piss.

It'll cool this disgusting shat down.

I love you, Mama. Bearstein: I love you more.

Shut up!

[ Owl hooting, insects chirping ]

I'm lost.

I'm pooped.

I'm cold. I'm tired.

I'm hungry, and I'm lost.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, look!

It's somebody's house.

I'll just walk in without asking.

I'm sure it's okay.

Oh, boy! Look at this place.

Oh, my!

This looks like some kind of food.

It's porridge.

I love porridge!

Ah! This bowl of porridge tastes like doo-doo.

This bowl of porridge tastes like pee-pee.

This bowl of porridge is just right!

Oh, no!

I got to caca doo doo!

Ow!

This toilet is too hard.

Ew, yuck!

This toilet is too soft.

This toilet is just right.

Ouch! The toilet bit off my bum-bum.

Yum.

I need a new bum-bum.

Oh, my! What's this?

Three bum-bums in a bum-bum hutch.

This bum-bum is too hairy.

Ew! This bum-bum is too stinky.

This bum-bum is just right.

Hooray! A new bum-bum!

Sewing on a new bum-bum

sure makes me sleepy.

I'm going to need a nappy doodi doo.

What's in here?

Three beds!

Ahh.

Yikes! This bed has crabs!

Yuck! This bed is full of mustard!

Hm, this bed has a big brain in it.

Just what I love.

Za, za, za, za.

Okay, we got the catfish piss

to cool this porridge --

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, look what you did to the catfish piss!

Yeah, Mama, he's a dummy.

I told you not to be stupid, you moron.

It's not my fault, Mama.

I slipped in that puddle of sludge,

but it don't matter anyway.

Look, someone ate all the porridge.

[ Flies buzzing, creatures chittering ] What?!

Hive Head: Somebody has been sludging up the crapper, Mama.

What?

And someone stole my emergency ass.

What?!

Boys.

There's a stranger in the house.

You know what to do.

Both: We sure do.