The Judge

You're not getting away with this.

- Palmer, you asshole-- Hey! - Yeah. Oops.

- Stop. You meant to do that. - Did that just happen?

- No, you startled me. - Yeah, you meant to do that.

No, I don't think I did.

Listen, this wasn't some West Englewood drug sweep. The search was good.

There's no chance Carter tosses it.

Calm down. That's why they call it an evidentiary hearing.

What, so you can smear me? Imply that I invented a phantom witness?

- Did you? - The jaded lawyer...

...with no respect for the law. That's original.

That's me?

I respect the law just fine. I'm just not in awe of it. I'm not encumbered by it.

If the great state of Illinois can't meet its burden of proof...

...if I walk with a guilty client, it's on you.

So I suggest you do your job, Kattan.

Now, if you'd like to finish that cliché you followed me into the pisser to unload...

Did it involve my reflection? Maybe sleeping at night, how do I do it?

I do it on a Tempur-Pedic bed, in a Highland Park home...

...with a Ferrari, next to a loving wife...

...with the ass of a high-school volleyballer.

And how does it feel, Hank?

Knowing every person you represent is guilty?

It's fine.

Innocent people can't afford me.

Pop.

Burden of proof, Kattan.

Wait, wait, wait. You said this wouldn't go to trial.

I'm sorry, did I say that?

I hired you to make this go away.

Wrong.

You hired me because we both know you wouldn't last two days in a federal penitentiary.

Stop telling me how to do my job. Do I tell you how to commit fraud...

...deny coverage to terminally ill policy holders...

...or embezzle 140 million dollars while you're at it?

I wouldn't do that, because that's your gig. That's your forte.

- I'm hearing you. I'm glad.

All rise.

Court is in session. The Honorable Judge Stanley Carter presiding.

Be seated.

Before I rule on the defense motion, is there anything either counsel would care to add?

Yes, Your Honor.

We would like to remove any doubt as to the validity of our search.

Your Honor, can I...

...approach, Your Honor?

I, uh, need a continuance.

Absolutely not.

My mom passed away this morning.

My ass.

I'll replay it.

Is this the first time your mom passed away...

...or is it something you do on all cases you're about to lose?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you. First time. What a schmuck you are.

You know, he peed on me.

Just now, in the restroom down the hall. He turned around and--

Mr. Kattan, step away.

Daddy, are you sad about your mom?

Yeah, baby. I wish you'd met her.

Why can't I go with you?

Because it's depressing. You don't wanna go.

So Grandpa Palmer's dead too?

No, Grandpa Palmer's dead to me. That's like a figure of speech.

You might have misheard something I said.

Sounds complicated. I should go with you.

Trust me, nobody wants to go to Carlinville, Indiana.

Everybody wants to leave.

You looking for something? Hmm?

- You got my Bit O'Honey, old man? - Check it out.

I love you, baby.

Don't eat it before breakfast.

- Got you. - Mm-hm.

Is there something I can do?

They're my in-laws. I feel like we should--

Lou Shrubner. That's your divorce attorney?

He's good.

She'll be living with me, by the way.

Hank.

Hank!

What time does school start in the morning?

What's her teacher's name?

Brownie meetings are which night? Soccer?

What's her favorite color?

Who's her best friend? What does she eat for breakfast?

Do you even know her pediatrician's name? His phone number? You got that on you?

I'm not gonna let you punish her for this, okay? She understands.

She knows it's not right that her daddy's never home before her bedtime.

He's always on his phone.

She knows it's not right that her mom is sad all the time.

- Sad? You're sad? - Yes!

I'm sorry you felt so sad you got on Facebook...

...friended your old Gore-Tex-wearing college buddy Josh and fucked him.

He's so rugged. He's so wise.

I don't know why you're not hanging off a mountain with him right now.

Wanna do something for me?

Water the fucking hydrangeas.

Thank you.

Brr. Oh, God, here we go.

Nothing changes.

Hey, Hank.

Hey, Dale.

Mm. Missed you.

Her heart just kind of turned off.

Huh.

I found her by the hydrangeas.

Good job.

Oh. This is St. Francis. I picked. Because he was her favorite.

Friend to the birds, like Mom. Oh.

Gotta remember to put food out for them, especially in the winter.

Mm.

He's gentle, like Mom used to be.

Ran the snakes out of Indiana, and don't ask me how.

Ireland. Out of Ireland?

Snakes are your constant, but St. Patrick, not St. Francis...

...and it was Ireland, not Indiana.

Trust me, no one's dispersing reptiles in Indiana.

- Were you there? - I was not there.

Maybe you're right.

Hank Palmer in Carlinville.

There he is.

The cardinal is the state bird and...

- Hey. - Hey, Glen.

I just saw you a few minutes ago.

Where'd you park?

- I'm on the street. - I'm parked up--

Tried to get a space in the big lot. I had to go around.

- But eventually I found one. - Here you go.

- Where's the family? - Couldn't make it. School.

Oh. I didn't know kids in Chicago go to school in the summer.

There isn't. They just do-- They got-- I'm alone.

What's the story?

There is no story. Huh.

Do you have anything else to say for yourself, Mr. Williams?

Anything that would enlighten us concerning your situation?

What do you wanna hear?

You know, nobody's hiring.

You can't get spinach out of a turnip.

I can't afford to pay child support.

You can't, huh?

That your new truck out front?

Which one?

- Yeah. - "'Yeah' is not an affirmation..."

"Yeah" is not an affirmation a man uses in court.

- Yes, sir-- Judge, Your Honor. Keys.

Go on. Pitch them.

And, uh...

Uh...

- Augustus, judge. - Yeah, of course. Gus.

Uh...

Would you give those to Mr. Williams' ex-wife, please?

Then escort Mr. Williams to his ex-truck.

You're gonna sign that over to her.

And you, ma'am, are gonna go down to DeVaney Motors...

...ask for Mike DeVaney, the father, not the nitwit son...

...and sell your new truck back to him...

...for whatever the turnip there put down on it.

- This ain't fair-- - Hey! One more word. Go on.

Look around you.

You're standing in one of the last great cathedrals in this country...

...built on the premise that you and you alone are responsible...

...for the consequences of your actions.

Now, you still want fair? All right.

Head north. Stop when you get to Indianapolis.

Tractor pulls, cotton candy...

...kettle corn and the world's largest steer.

First week in August. You'll love it.

Oh, I forgot. Wait, wait, wait.

You don't have a truck.

Thank you very much, judge.

Want me to tell you what causes that, ma'am?

Thank you, fellas. Appreciate you all being here.

- But who's out guarding the doughnut shop? Ha, ha.

She was a good woman, Joseph. Yes, she was.

Grace and I are here if you need anything.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

We all loved Mary. Thank you. It means a lot to me.

Sorry for your loss.

Good friends, always.

Good to see you, sir. Chief. Good man. Hey.

Thanks for coming. Appreciate it.

Yeah. Whole force out, huh?

Henry.

- Judge. - Yeah.

Hey--

- Oh, Johnny Boy. Yeah. I'm so sorry.

- Joseph. - Yeah. Thank you, Rose.

I'm gonna shower up and hit the rack.

Uh, Glen, make sure you hold your boys together tomorrow.

We don't want a lot of caterwauling.

- Will do, judge. Yeah.

I get it's been a while, Hank...

...but backing a car into a driveway to make getting out easier is a concept...

- ...not dulled by time. - Thank you.

Right? - Got it.

Be my guest. Please.

- How you doing? I had to water the plants.

You gonna be okay at the funeral tomorrow?

Yeah. That camera makes an appearance, we both know where it's heading, right?

- Hmm? - Up my ass.

Good man.