Ricky Gervais: Humanity

Hello.

Hello! How you doing?

Great.

Thank you.

Wow. Calm down.

Shut the fuck up.

Thank you. What a lovely welcome.

I'm gonna try my hardest tonight.

You're thinking, "Relax, we've had our money's worth just seeing you."

What? You're a legend. Shut up! What is he?

I'm not a god.

I'm just an ordinary guy, you know,

going round talking to people

sort... sort of like Jesus...

in a way... but better.

Well, I've actually turned up. So...

Thank you and welcome to my new show, Humanity.

I don't know why I called it that. I'm not a big fan.

I prefer dogs... obviously.

Dogs are better people than people, aren't they?

They're amazing, dogs.

They're our best friends.

They guard us, they guide us.

There's medical detection dogs

that can smell if you've got...

AIDS.

I'm not a doctor... but their noses are a thousand times

more sensitive than ours, so they go,

"Cor, you're well HIV! Fuck!" You know?

And you go, "You can smell AIDS on someone?"

Yeah.

"Why didn't you smell it on the bloke

I brought home last night, you fucking idiot?"

They did the first three billion years by themselves,

evolution and all that.

Then we got involved and did some selective breeding.

Getting them how we wanted, to do jobs for us.

Bit stronger, faster, whatever.

They're great at the jobs they're bred to do.

They love the job they're bred to do.

They're genetically hardwired to love that behavior.

Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback was bred to hunt lions.

I can't help but think it was a shock to it when it found out.

So we've got all the pedigrees for miles around.

A big passing-out parade.

There's a bloke with a white coat and a clipboard.

He goes, "Right, dogs!" They go, "What?"

"Who wants to know what job they got?"

"We all do. We all do."

"Okay, Labradors."

"Yeah?"

"Do you like carefully bringing back dead ducks?"

"Yeah?"

"That's your job."

"Amazing. That is amazing.

That is my favorite job. That is my favorite job."

"Jack Russells?"

-"Yeah?" -"You like shooting down rabbit holes?"

-"Yeah!" -"That's your job."

"Fuckin' hell. Best day ever! Best day ever!"

-"Miniature poodles?" -"Yeah?"

"Do you like being carried around by elderly homosexuals?"

-"Yeah." -"That's your job."

That's your job.

"Ridgebacks?"

"Yo!"

"You're hunting lions."

"What?"

"You're hunting lions."

"Fuck off!"

-"Yeah, you are." -"No, we're not.

Look, lions?

We'll get fucking mashed!

Why can't the Rottweilers hunt lions?"

"They're shaking babies."

Good boy!

Good boy! You shake that baby if you want.

Good boy!

Cheers.

This is my first new stand-up for seven years,

if you don't count the Golden Globes.

Which you shouldn't.

The Golden Globes. Very different.

God, a different vibe.

Two hundred million people watching.

And it's live.

Big thrill.

But with that many people watching,

there's a bit of stick.

Everyone's different, everyone's a blogger.

Everyone goes, "I was offended."

-"Why?" -"He said an horrible thing."

"He said loads of horrible things."

"Yeah, but that was a thing that I care about."

That's the thing about offense,

it's about personal feelings.

I don't care about the backlash.

"Comedian in hot water."

You know?

My girlfriend, Jane, she worries, and she reads things.

"What have you said?"

"Don't worry.

They won't come to the house. Fuck 'em."

So I wind her up.

I pretend I'm gonna say much worse things

than I ever would.

I have to make up worse jokes

than I actually...

Just to scare my girlfriend.

When I do the Golden Globes, we go out about a week before.

It's in LA. We fly out.

I'm writing jokes as the ceremony approaches.

They release more presenters. I take my pick.

"I got a good intro for them. Yeah. Mel Gibson? I'll introduce him, yes."

About three days before this last one,

just to wind Jane up, I said, "I got a good intro."

She went, "What?"

I said, "Bill Cosby would make our next presenter sleep on the couch.

Please welcome Helen Mirren!"

I didn't do it.

She said, "You won't do that?" I said, "No."

Next day, I got her again.

I said, "Is this too much?"

I said, "Not even Bill Cosby carries enough tranquilizer

to bring down this next magnificent beast.

Please welcome Melissa McCarthy!"

I didn't do it! I would never...

I'd never... tell a joke like that. It's horrible.

I was just doing it to annoy Jane.

I'd never even...

think... of that,

so don't...

Even on the day, on the way to the red carpet, in the limo,

I said, "I'll start with a funny one-liner.

An old-fashioned joke."

She went, "What?" I said,

"What did the deaf, dumb and blind orphan get for Christmas?"

Jane went, "I don't know."

I said, "Cancer."

I didn't do it, so...

you're getting offended at a joke

that doesn't exist, so...

I'd never say that in public, so...

To anyone who mattered, anyway.

So, don't...

I didn't have to worry about offending anyone. It just happens.

The big controversy last time I did it was a Caitlyn Jenner joke.

Outrage on Twitter the next day.

I mean a couple of people going,

"It was transphobic."

It wasn't transphobic in the slightest.

It was a joke about a trans person,

but it had nothing to do with that aspect of her existence.

And that's the other thing about offense.

People mistake the subject of a joke with the actual target.

They're not necessarily the same.

I'll tell you the joke, you make your minds up.

It's live, so they go,

"Your host for the 68th Annual Golden Globes Awards,

please welcome Ricky Gervais."

They're all clapping, the actors are smiling at me.

Nervously. It's brilliant, right?

So, I just go,

"Relax, I'm gonna be nice tonight.

I've changed.

Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously."

And I go, "Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course." And what a year she's had.

Became a role model for trans people everywhere,

bravely breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes.

She didn't do a lot for women drivers..."

That's a clever joke. I'll tell you why.

Right?

It's layered. No, listen, right?

The subject of that joke is stereotypes.

I'm playing with the notion of stereotypes.

I start by saying she's a real woman,

a liberal, progressive attitude.

Then if she's a real woman,

I hit them with the old-fashioned stereotype.

She must be a bad driver, then. Right?

The target of the joke is a celebrity killing someone in their car.

Let's not forget that, shall we?

A celebrity killing someone in their car, running home and popping on a dress.

That's...

the target of the joke, just so we're clear.

Okay?

She was interviewed a week later

at a press conference for a show of hers.

Now cancelled.

And...

one of the press said, "What do you think of the Ricky Gervais joke?"

She went, "Maybe I should host the Golden Globes."

And they tweeted that and @-ed me in,

because they want a celebrity feud.

It was clickbait. I rose to the bait.

Obviously...

I just sent back,

"Let her host. Just don't let her drive."

Another website that was in the room, Entertainment Weekly,

they tweeted a different headline, and they @-ed me in.