Assassination Nation

This is the story of how my town, Salem,

lost its motherfucking mind.

[Ennio Morricone's "violenza Inattesa" plays]

Now I understand that you may think I'm exaggerating,

that I'm being hyperbolic...

that there's no way an entire suburb could freak the fuck out

to the degree they'd want to kill four teenage girls.

But I promise you...

this is 100 percent a true story.

I will warn you, though, it gets pretty graphic.

- - Fight!

- -

- -

Fuck that faggot!

- -

You're not getting it. I'm on your side here.

- -

- Run, Lily! - Kiss me.

- Wake up, people! -

- This is high school. -

- -

We are all victims.

My name is Lily Colson, and I'm 18 years old.

These are my three best friends:

Em.

Bex.

And Sarah.

And to be honest...

I don't know if we're gonna live through the night.

- -

But let's start at the beginning.

You could be a fucking porn star, you know that?

Actually, not here.

Because what I did that afternoon was really gross.

Lily! Lily!

Hey, babe! Slow down. Carlie, Carlie!

You can't run... Stop, stop! You can't run on a road.

Come on.

Carlie, don't scare us like that.

We always say, "No going in the street without adults."

Hey. Hi.

- Um, how are you? - I'm sorry. I'm good.

- Nice to see you. - How are you?

We wish you'd come back to us. I mean, she misses you so much.

Oh, no, I miss you guys, too. I just um...

It's hard with, you know, school and college applications and all that.

But I miss you!

I know, baby, I miss you, too.

See you soon, all right?

Well, we should...

You know, I gotta get her in the bath, so...

But if you're ever free, if you have a free night, just come by for dinner.

Okay, cool, yeah. Sounds good.

- Yeah, good to see you. - Okay, yeah, you too.

So, hey, you can really see the difference the lotion made, right?

So... this is supposed to help your digestion.

What's going on, Lily?

Just another happy day.

Have you been crying?

No. No, no. Some boy just shoved his fingers down my throat.

- Ugh... Wow. - Not as sexy as it sounds.

Well, the girls are upstairs. You can...

Cool.

She seems nice.

You dog.

What up? Hey, baby.

- Hey. - Hey, how are you?

Good. Hey. Hey.

Wait, have you been crying?

No. No, no. Hey, who's the rapist on the couch with your mom?

It's too depressing to talk about. So, let's just let it go.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna throw up.

Whatever. Who's Sir Rapes-a-Lot?

Okay, all the rape jokes are making me seriously uncomfortable.

He's very rapey.

It's true. He is really rapey.

It's like mace first, ask questions later.

- Totally, Bex, you can't even get upset. -

What's his name?

I don't know, some guy. I never ever let her introduce me. Ever.

Do you guys know who's been sexting Bex?

- Sexting Bex? - Who's been sexting Bex?

Okay, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm sorry.

- Bex, who is it? Who is it?

Okay. No, who is it?

If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Of course. Who is it? Please, just be quiet.

- Diamond. -

No, like football, bro tank-top, dumb-as-shit, Diamond?

Oh, my God. That is so hot!

He's literally the Latino Tom Cruise.

Have you seen his dick in a pair of gray sweatpants. Yes, duh.

Obviously! Yes!

But it's not even a thing.

We had a lab together.

And now he's always texting me at like one in the morning,

- being like, "What are you doing?" - Fuck-boy hours.

And I'm like, "Literally nothing. I'm doing nothing." It's nothing.

Oh, God. Bex, you're so lame. It's nothing.

I know, right? It's nothing...

Wait, wait. Speaking of which...

Lily, has Mark gone down on you yet?

- Oh! - Don't do this.

Seriously, girl, you told me you were gonna break up with him

unless he goes down on you.

I know. It's just so hard. I don't know what to do...

Let me just break it down to you like this.

Men who don't eat pussy in this day and age are straight-up sociopathic, okay?

Oh, my God. Am I wrong? Where's the lie?

If only it was that easy...

Em, can I tweet that thing about guys not eating pussy is sociopathic?

Totally. Spread the good word, girl.

Consent, thank you. Confirmed. Tweet!

Look, if I'm gonna have a body like Zac Efron,

you should have a body like whoever Zac Efron be fucking.

I heard there was a party at Greenwald's tonight.

- Yeah. - But who the fuck is Greenwald?

I think he's the tall, lanky kid with anime eyes.

Oh, yeah? Whatever. Who the fuck are you, Greenwald?

And where the fuck do you live, bitch?

She thinks she can catfish my man with her fucking wack-ass finsta.

Think again, bitch. This pussy whips!

We're about to get some drinks. We're about to get some pussy.

That's my politics. Now go play football. We win, baby!

[cheering, distorted by slowed audio]

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

Mayor Bartlett...

Fuck...

What the fuck?

Fucking politicians.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Who is that?

Mayor Bartlett dressed as a woman, fucking masturbating.

Oh, my God!

Why do middle-aged men who cross dress always have the worst taste in lingerie?

I know, right? Why is that a thing?

- Where did you get this? - That's not even the worst thing.

- What do you mean? - Mayor Bartlett is gonna see Mason?

I mean, like... What?

Dude's getting fucking fucked.

I want to see that right now!

That's the mayor? Oh, hell no!

Fuck that shit, dude. That's nasty.

Yo, that motherfucker's been in the locker room with us, bro.

- You getting some memories, Johnny? - Why... Shut up.

Why is it always the people who are, like, against LGBTQIAA rights

that are like, trigger warning,

- the biggest fucking faggots. - One thousand percent.

Face swap Bartlett for Ryan Gosling.

Wait, isn't he like married with kids? I don't want that.

- Yeah, but she's gross. - Unassociated.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sorry, sorry.

I am leaving my body as a cushion.

- Excuse me, excuse me. - Good night.

Where you going?

Can I still call my mom?

Don't look. But Diamond is eye-fucking me so hard right now.

Oh yeah? Let's give him something to look at.

They tell you that if you're honest, and you say what you feel,

then you'll get what you want.

I don't want to feel like I'm babysitting you all the fucking time.

I don't understand what the fuck you want from me.

The truth is, no one wants the real you.

Well, fuck off! Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

So you stop telling the truth.

You lie to your friends.

You lie to your family.

You lie to everyone...

who says they love you for being you.

Because guess what?

They're lying, too.