Whitney

When I was at Northwestern, it was such a big deal

to have guest speakers come in, you know?

I saw Ira Glass and Colin Powell,

and now it's me.

I feel... I don't know, successful.

I'm so proud of you.

And if you get nervous, just imagine everybody

in the audience naked.

Except the girls. Imagine them complaining.

Well, I'm not nervous. I'm just excited, you know?

I mean, it's a big responsibility.

I really have the chance to impact some kids' lives.

Just remember they have very short attention spans.

It was almost impossible to talk to me in college.

That's probably because I always had a bong in my mouth.

Wait, I think it was a bong.

Okay. Well we're definitely not going

to that fraternity party we were invited to afterwards.

You know what you should do in your speech?

One of your accents.

I don't really do those in public, you know?

Just when we're snowed in or I can't get you to stop crying.

Well, like, if you're quoting

one of your professors or something

if you did it in an accent, it could be really funny.

Okay. I will think about this Whitney.

- That's too communist. - All right.

Ah. Perhaps this is the right accent

for the occasion.

Ja? Don't you think so?

It's too soon.

All right, then.

How about I put another accent on the Barbie, huh?

And then go down under.

Do the British one.

That always makes you seem smarter,

and it makes me feel like a spice girl.

Yeah. Naggie spice.

You know, I am mentioning Professor Chandler

and he's British, so that might work.

See?

BBC world service, it's the phone.

Perhaps someone wants to take you on a lift to the loo?

- That's the one! - Cool.

- It's another text from my mom. - Is she coming?

No. I am not letting her come.

Any time someone else has a big moment,

she ruins it, okay?

At my graduation, when I was walking up to get my diploma,

she made me take a picture of her.

- What? You graduated? - Hmm.

And she totally ruined my sweet 16,

which I didn't even want, by the way.

She planned it without even asking me.

It was humiliating.

I mean, I was already 18.

I didn't even get to vote that day.

Oh, yeah, she's always doing stuff like that.

I know.

So what happened with the wedding thing?

She asked if I would shoot my cousin's wedding,

I said no, and then she told her I would anyway.

I don't want to go to a family wedding.

I'm not gonna know anyone there,

and I'm gonna have dated everybody.

Well, it's too bad she won't get to see my speech.

If she did, this way she'd finally understand

what I do for a living.

Honey, no matter what you say

or how many times you explain it,

no one will ever understand what you do for a living.

All right. Well, we're gonna go to the bar first.

I want to get a drink and loosen up before my speech.

And I definitely want to show off this suit

since I'll be returning it tomorrow.

- Okay. So how do I look? - Good.

- Oh. One last thing here. - All right.

- Got to... - Hey! Hey!

What are you doing? No!

Get those scissors away from me!

Dude, I am totally impressed.

I mean, guest speaker at Northwestern?

Look, if you get nervous, just take one of those pills

that's always falling out of Whitney's purse.

Oh, no, I'm not nervous. I'm psyched.

Oh, I have a pill for that too.

Back in High School, Alex was such a good public speaker

that the principal had him do the announcements every morning.

Do it.

Good morning, Lincoln high beavers.

For today's hot lunch we'll be having

spaghetti and hot rolls, thank you very much.

Man, you rusty.

- Hey! - Hi.

- What's up, little red? - Hello, hello.

Hey.

Alex. Are you just gonna let the lady stand there?

Oh, you know what? You're absolutely right.

Whit, beat it.

Excuse me?

All right. Here you go, tiny red.

Why am I getting smaller?

Thank you, guys, for being such gentlemen.

God, it's so sweet. I love it.

But I also hate that I love it. Am I from the 50s?

Nope. You're just one of the few women left

who actually appreciates chivalry.

I appreciate chivalry. I like being choked.

Oops! Okay, so we got to go.

- I think we're gonna be late. - Oh, okay.

- Bye, guys! - Bye.

Hey, good luck with your speech.

- Stay topical, bro. - Hot rolls, baby!

Let me help you with that.

RJ, thank you.

So that's chivalry stuff works on girls?

I thought you didn't want that anymore.

Don't women just want to freeze our sperm and get a job?

No. We still want guys to be chivalrous,

they just stopped.

Right around the time they started wearing skinny jeans.

I don't wear skinny jeans. I want kids someday.

Why, kids don't like skinny...

Oh. Balls.

Mark, let me straighten this out for you.

The problem is that women want to be treated like a lady,

but they're conflicted because they also

don't want to seem weak.

And are we not gonna talk about the fact

that whit likes to be choked?

Old news.

Maybe I'm handling this whole Roxanne situation all wrong.

I need to speed things up.

Because let's face it, we're all dying.

It's just a small gas leak.

I now would like to introduce 2001 graduate

Whoo!

Hey, everyone, I'm Alex Miller.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'll meet you in about an hour, okay?

Do you want to get something to eat?

- 'Cause I'm so... - Shh.

Huh?

Chill out, lady.

Lady? Okay, I was born in the early-to-mid 80s.

I can tell.

Okay. Yeah, I'll call you after this. Bye.

I would like to send a special thanks

to Professor McKinley who graciously invited me...

Obviously stop texting please.

What? Stop!

I was a student here in this very hall.

Let me see that.

It used to be called Jones auditorium back then.

- Oh. - It's so good to be

back here at Northwestern where it all began.

My drinking, I mean.

I'm kidding.

When I was here, I was mostly high.

You know, when I first came up with the idea for my website,

everybody thought I was crazy.

But my gut was telling me I should do it.

So if you learn one thing from tonight,

it's always trust your instincts.

Because if I listened to people's advice,

then I would have always wondered

what would have happened if I had trusted my gut?

I started mendeavors because I wanted to go online

and quickly learn how to do things

like fix a leak or change a tire.

So I went home that night and I started a website called,

"menthings."

I quickly realized that when you Google "menthings,"

you see, well, mens' things.

Professor Chandler was one of my favorite teachers.

And I remember he said to me once,

"The thing about computers is",

"they'll always get smaller and smaller.

So what you've got to do is think bigger and bigger."

So I took that idea and I applied it to...

Please, God, not like this.

I'm... I'm fine. I'm fine.

Did you see that?

I'm sorry. Come on, say something.

You didn't talk to me the entire ride home.

Well, there was a dead bird on the side of the road,

so I figured that would keep you entertained

for the time being.

I'm sorry.

Look, the speech was so good. They loved it.

- Even after the incident. - Don't call it that.

I wasn't molested, I just fell.

I don't know why I laughed, okay?

I think it was nervous laughter

because I was just so worried about you,

and I was just so scared that you were hurt.

- Really? - Yes. I was terrified.

Okay. 'Cause it was really scary.

It was so scary.

I mean, I took a nasty spill.

It was nasty.