Surviving Jack

Honey.

Honey!

I thought you were gonna tell Frankie to clean his room.

- I did. - Well, it's a pigsty.

I'll take care of it.

Hey! I'm trying to get ready for a date.

Now, if all this stuff isn't picked up in two minutes,

it's going in the wood chipper.

My hair is loving that thing. Can I borrow it?

Right after I do the dishes.

(CYPRESS HILL'S "INSANE IN THE BRAIN" PLAYS)

The trick is to open your throat

and breathe through your nose.

You might be wondering why we were doing this.

It's because yesterday...

This happened.

Hey, Dunlevy.

We're having a varsity party tonight.

Bros only.

No chicks or anything lame like that.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

Well, be ready for some frosty brews.

- Yeah, man. - Yeah! Frosty brews.

- Yeah! Let's do it. Let's go, dude.

Yeah, give me brews now.

Yeah, we had never drank before...

Which is why we were practice drinking,

which is as stupid as it sounds.

Dude, if I pound this, I'm gonna get messed up.

What are you, a muffin? It's apple juice.

Do you know how much sugar's in this stuff?

Bottoms up, bitch.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug!

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

You know I use that to put oil in my car, right?

Are you drinking?

No, no, no no no. It-it's apple juice.

Okay, well, then I got no follow-up questions.

I think they were practice drinking.

And then after practice drinking comes real drinking.

And then, the next thing you know, he's your Uncle Kenny.

Boy, you piss yourself at two weddings...

that's all they remember you for.

I got to nip this in the bud.

Can I do a one-person intervention?

What am I talking about? Of course I can.

Joanne, settle down.

I know exactly what to say to him.

Alcohol...

May be the greatest gift God ever bestowed upon mankind.

Makes conversations more interesting,

people more attractive.

Oh, like wigs.

It can also ruin your life,

which is why you're not ready for it.

There's a picture of you upstairs,

holding a beer when you're 18.

Yeah, I was also in the Navy, fighting for our country,

so I'll tell you what.

You enlist and lose a couple buddies to a land mine,

and feel free to knock a few back.

Okay, I get it. We're not going to the party.

If I stopped you from attending every party with alcohol,

you wouldn't be leaving this house for the next four years,

and... I can't have that.

So, you can go.

Really? Thanks, dad.

Stop. Not so fast. We're not done.

Don't worry. We won't do anything stupid.

History suggests otherwise. Follow me.

Mom, I just want to tell you how proud I am of you

for going back to law school, even though you're really old.

And I'm proud of you

for getting slightly better at compliments.

Oh.

So, I've been thinking.

You know how I can drive now and I'm almost in college

and grown-ups hit on me.

I didn't know about that last one.

Well, it happens.

Anyway, you've always felt that I was mature, right?

Yes.

And you believe that women should be empowered, right?

You're damn right they should.

Then it's settled. I'll go on the pill.

Great talk. Thanks, mom. Bye.

Ooh.

When can we stop spinning?!

In a minute.

You see, alcohol degrades judgment and motor skills.

Now stop.

So, even when you see danger, you can't always avoid it.

Checking in by 9:00.

You will not drink any alcohol,

or the consequences will be severe.

Ohh!

- Ow! - Aah!

Yeah, okay. You've proven your point. You can stop.

Yeah, I know I can, but I rented this thing for an hour.

- Oh! - Aah!

Oh, would you look at that. Curve balls.

Ow!

We were on our way to a party with varsity bros.

Preparation was key.

I heard when Jimmy Ortega was a freshman, he passed out

and they drew a bunch of penises on his forehead.

That would suck for you, dude.

I could fit 1,000 chubbers on that five-head of yours. (LAUGHS)

Well, I'd rather have a big five-head

than look like a garden gnome.

Oh, snap. You do.

Mikey loved giving us crap but hated getting it.

And we knew when to stop.

Hey, guys, we should be psyched right now, you know.

We're going to an all-bros varsity party.

What could be cooler than that?

If there was girls there.

Dude, you so don't get it.

Our daughter's making a huge mistake.

Is this about bangs?

'Cause I can't have that conversation again.

No. She wants to go on the pill.

The pill. The pill.

I know what the pill is.

She's not ready to have sex.

She's 17. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

16, but it was different. He had a motorcycle.

Look, I don't want Rachel having sex, either, but...

You can't stop your kids

from doing what they're going to do.

You have to trust them.

Wrong. Bad instincts.

We have to protect them from themselves, okay?

It's a scary place out there.

What are you talking about, "out there"?

We don't live on the edge of a haunted forest.

You're overreacting.

Oh, okay, okay.

Well, then, let's just get Rachel

a pay-by-the-hour hotel room

and send Frankie to that alcohol party.

He is at that party.

What?! You said you were handling it.

I talked to them. I made it clear.

Check in at 9:00. Do not drink.

Hey. What's up, fresh meat?

You guys want to kick it here...

You got to chug.

Ohh, okay. So, you told them not to drink.

Phew!

I am gonna sleep like a baby tonight.

Joanne, I gave them my trust

they will not disappoint me.

Huh. Honey, what time do you have?

Um, yeah, hmm.

- It's so strange, 'cause I have 9:15. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I could have sworn the boys were supposed

- to call at 9:00. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

Admit you're doubting your decision to just trust them.

I... I'm not because they are going to call.

- Okay. Good. - Mmmm.

But we weren't going to call.

Because according to our watch, it was...

Booze o'clock!

That night, we found out what kind of drunks we were.

I was the light-bulb drunk.

I got an idea.

We could pool our money together and buy a helicopter.

Then we could report the news.

George was whatever kind of drunk this was.

Big surprise...

dancing was frowned upon at all bro parties.

And Mikey was "the one who got away" drunk.

I never should have let Leila get away.

I loved her.

You dated her for like a week in 5th grade,

and she gave everyone lice.

That's a lie!

Okay. Dude, relax.

Don't tell me to relax!

What the hell?

Did you just disrespect the pad, bro?

What are you guys watching?

- "Back to the future"? - No.

Funny thing about time machines. They're not real.

So, if you do something in life that you really regret,

you can't take it back.

Are you talking about having Frankie?

What? No.

You know, having sex is a very big step.