A Perfect Day

Stop, stop. Stop!

Come on, sneaky. Hang in there. You can make it.

Are you okay?

Fat fuck.

He didn't go hungry in the war.

It might be his glands.

They're called glands, right?

Thyroid does not produce enough hormones so body does not assimilate fat.

Glands. My brother told me that.

- Yeah, your brother is a doctor? - No, fatso.

What are they laughing at?

He's just saying funny things, you know.

- Yeah, I can tell that. - It's normal here.

This area is famous for that. Yoghurt and sense of humor.

They always say funny things. That's why people invite them to weddings.

Trust Damir, when you get married invite somebody from here.

They're always laughing. Babies here are born laughing, not crying.

Most famous comedian in my country is born here.

Petrovich. You know Petrovich?

No, I don't know Petrovich.

He tells famous Albanian in bathtub joke.

- It's great. - Mike 2, Mike 2, this is Mike 1, come in.

He tells it for 30 years and people always laugh every time he tells.

30 years, always same joke.

Yeah, and that might be him in the well.

Mike 2, Mike 2, this is Mike 1, come in.

Mike 2, Mike 2, this is Mike 1, come in.

Mike 2, Mike 2, this is Mike 1, come in.

Copy, Mambru! This is B! Go!

Do you have any rope in the car? Over.

I can't hear you. Come back with that!

Do you have any rope in the car? Over.

- Negative. No rope. No rope on board. - Okay.

- We'll be out of here in 15. Over and out. - Copy that. Over and out.

Watch where you step.

They want us to drive around it.

How do you know?

It's a trap.

See that grass there?

They dragged it here.

See, they put mines on one side

so that when you drive around it, boom. Game over.

The question is which side?

Well, we'd better turn around.

- They would expect us to go right. - You think so?

But if we were coming from the other side, then...

right would be left, so...

B, there was another road back there.

Maybe they know.

- Maybe they know what? - Maybe they know we know.

- Yeah, but we don't know! - Unless they're fucking with us.

Well, come on, B. Just... Let's turn around. There was another road back there...

- You hear that? - No.

- That! - What?

- RPGs. - What's that?

- Grenades. - No, I didn't hear any grenades.

Oui, oui, oui, yeah. No way we're going back that way.

That's not gonna happen.

Mr. cow...

is it to the left or to the right?

You're asking the cow?

Let's go.

- Are we turning around? - RPGs.

It's all here in my logbook.

- What are you doing? - I'm looking it up.

- Mining protocol says to turn around. - Mining protocol.

Don't believe everything you read in mining protocol.

They write that stuff in Geneva.

They've never seen a mine in their lives in Geneva.

Cows, yes, plenty of cows but none with mines around 'em.

This is my protocol, not Geneva.

There it is.

What? Is that my handwriting? What the fuck does that say...

But I don't know what it says. It says to turn around.

No, look. Look, right there. What is that? That's a cow.

- It's a dog. - It's not a dog.

- Yes, it's a dog... - Dogs don't have horns. That's a cow.

That's an arrow and it says to go right.

Or left?

Oh, fuck it. We're late.

- We're sick of cows. - No, no! What are you doing...

Arrows and all of this fucking bullshit.

No, no, no! No, we have to go back, B!

Oh, no, please! We have to go back! Don't you dare...

- Catch a tiger by the toe. - No, no, no. Oh, no.

If he hollers...

Putain! I hate you! I just... I hate you.

I hate you! Fucking crazy!

They brought him from somewhere else and throw into well to spoil water.

They hear them when they came with car. With loud music, boom, boom, boom.

When they came out this morning, fat guy was in well.

Well.

He wants to know where you're from.

- Puerto Rico. - Puerto Rico. American.

- Piculin Ortiz. - Yes, Piculin Ortiz...

- Great basketball player. - Yes, very good. Piculin Ortiz, very good.

He asks why you're here. Don't you have woman who loves you at home?

Tell him I do. That's why I'm here.

He says you're funny like you're from here. You know, the same sense of humor.

Okay.

I'll never get in a car with you again, you got that? Never again.

- What happened? - He doesn't give a shit about rules.

She wanted to go one way, me, another. It's always the same with chicks.

You ran over a cow! We could have blown up!

- I consulted my notebook. - Your notebook?

You're not gonna say anything?

- Shit, B. - Shit, B?

Is that all?

What do you want me to say?

I'm... I don't know. You're in charge of security here.

What will you do next? Send him to bed without dessert?

Dessert? I didn't know there was dessert here.

Mambru, everything was under control.

You know me. There was nothing crazy about it. Intuitive, maybe. But not crazy.

Sophie.

He knew there was nothing underneath that cow.

He was just... showing off for you.

Sophie, come on! Sophie.

She's adorable! And you are getting no respect from her.

Did you know about this dessert?

Glad I only got one more week here.

Oh, putain!

What?

- It's a dude! - I know it's a dude.

- You said a corpse on the radio. - So?

A corpse could be anything. It could be a dog, a pig, a...

Sophie, a corpse is a corpse.

- A dead dog is not a corpse. - She's French.

A dead dog is corpse...

technically.

- Is this her first? - Yep.

He's gigantic.

- Is he from the village? - No.

They brought this guy from somewhere else.

- I thought they do it with animals. - Not in war.

Nobody throws an animal in a well. Wasted food.

B, give me a hand with the pipe.

For how long has he been in the well?

12 hours. 10, maybe.

So what's our expert say?

We have to get it out and clean the well.

In 24 hours, it won't matter what we pour in there.

- We'll have to seal it. - We'll get the blue helmets to help.

At least this one's in one piece. They usually chop it up, you know.

It speeds up the decay.

It's disgusting, but... there's a good side to it.

It gets easier to get 'em out of there

you know, when they're... when they're in chunks.

- So, you know. - Hey.

He says there's a small store in Drusina Village. It's nearby.

And they might have rope there.

Is... is he your first, dogs aside?

Really?

Unbelievable.

It's important moment, your first corpse. You never forget it.

It's like your first girlfriend or the first time you get laid.

I remember the first time I got laid but my first corpse,

that shit is burned in my memory.

I'll never forget that face, man.

- Was it terrible? - No, it wasn't terrible.

It was... it was nice.

She was... 17, red head, nice body.

- The corpse? - No, my...

The girl, the first girl I slept with. What's wrong with you?

That's sick.

Sophie! You're gonna ride with me to the security briefing.

- B, you're going with Damir to Drusina. - Drusina.

There are 2 more wells to the west.

About 12 kilometers...

in Nisinje.

Yeah, they were both mined last week.

We informed Unprofor but it'll take a while to demine them.

Even if wells are a priority... it's gonna take at least a couple days...

Attention!

Oh, fuck!

Don't touch him! Don't touch him!

Don't touch him!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Hey, hey, hey, calm down, calm down.

- What? - That's my ball!

That's his ball. He's a little boy. Give him his ball. Give him back his ball.

It's his ball. He's a kid.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sophie, get back in the car.

We're friends, friends. We go, we go, we leave.

Friends. Nema problema. Nema problema, okay?

We go, we go.

Get back. You wanna get killed?

Get in the car. Get in the car.

- What's your name? - Nikola.

Nikola, how about I get you a new ball, brand-new ball?

Where?

Base camp. Soldiers have ball. Deal?

- You pick ball and I drive you back. - Deal.

That Frenchy whatsome has got a mouth on her. Let me tell you.

Mambru wouldn't have taken that shit from anyone couple of years ago.

He would have thrown her in the well with the fat fucker.

He's good at what he does but he has not been the same lately.

He's... talking about giving it all up.

You see, there's this girl...