What We Don't Say

I remember,

I remember when I was a kid.

I was walking home from school and I saw this dog

in the bushes.

Golden Retriever.

He came out to see me and I knew he belonged

to someone, he didn't have a collar on

but he was really well groomed and he looked hungry.

So, I gave him this peanut butter and jelly sandwich

I had in my bag.

He ate it and then he followed me home.

I tried to hide him but of course it's this huge dog

so my parents found him immediately

and I begged and begged and begged them

if I could keep him and they said if we couldn't find

his real owner that we could.

So we looked around for a couple of days

and no one showed up and I got to keep him.

I had my own dog, I named him Scooby.

But a week went by and someone showed up.

Turns out it was Scooby's real owner.

I guess his real name was Milton.

That's a stupid name.

I know, way worst than Scooby.

Um, and I was crushed, I cried for days

and my mum ended up feeling so bad

that she went out and bought me my own puppy.

Oh no, that's so sweet.

- It is except that puppy was a fucking asshole.

I'm serious, it wouldn't play with me,

it wouldn't take treats from me.

It wouldn't do anything with me.

So one day, I uh...

What?

Just say it, what?

- I'm gonna sound like an asshole when I say this

so just fair warning and the dog was an asshole to me

but I took it to an alley and I just left it there.

No, no, you didn't.

- I did and the crazy part is that it followed me home.

The only time it ever tried to get close to me.

That little asshole.

Where's the dog now?

It's still alive, it must be like 19.

It won't come anywhere near me when I go

visit my parents' place.

- Yeah, you left him alone in the fucking alley.

He was, yeah, I did.

Yup.

- So, uh, why are you telling me this?

Well you told me to tell you something

I never told anyone before.

- And that's the story you chose?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, how long have I been sleeping?

X, X?

Are you here?

Well, good morning, Veronica.

I thought you'd never wake up, how did you sleep?

- Good, Papa, have you see Pigz and Blanket?

I can't find them anymore.

They're out in the pen.

Now Veronica I know you've been around pigs

without their blankets, you know the rules, don't you?

That isn't safe.

- Oh, I know, Papa, but we never let it get that far.

That's okay, that's okay, my dear.

Say, do you happen to remember where we put the keys

to the kingdom, I'm having the darnedest time finding them.

Of course, Papa, wait a minute.

Papa would never forget where the keys

to the kingdom are and that picture.

Pitbull Mitfull.

- You outsmarted me for the last time, Veronica.

Yeah, you're fired.

Why are you working here, these are good, man.

You should be doing something with them.

- I, it's not even done yet, I still have to make

like a chase scene and there's, there's a lot to do.

Always an excuse, eh, Ben?

Not enough time during office hours?

It's complicated stuff.

All right, I'm taking off.

You're gonna have your real work done today?

- Yes. - Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, are you ready for tonight?

Oh yeah, I'm gonna bring my A game.

You fabulous bastard.

Bastard, no, but I am fab.

See that, see how fab it was?

See it again?

- Oh, I got ya. - You're welcome.

- Your safety and you, Volume Eight, PPE.

- Now that you've had your essential WHMIS training,

it's time to get to work.

Whoa, whoa, hold on there, hot shot, forgetting something?

You can't enter an active work place

without the proper P, P, E.

That's personal protective equipment.

Now we're ready.

- I remember doing one of those hypnotizing, um,

it was like an event at a--

- Did it work on you? - No, not at all but I pretended the other time

'cause I really wanted to stay up on stage.

Of course you would.

So I even did like the, we did the,

there was like a belly dancing portion of it,

we're like, if Kim Morrison started belly dancing,

but we're like, I guess I have to belly dance now, so, yeah.

That was a thing. - So you just belly danced.

Pretty much so.

- So, uh, when are you gonna shave?

Never, why?

- Well, I mean, you look just so much cleaner

and more tidy without the facial hair.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

I think you look really clean and tidy

with no hair at all, just .

- Oh, you do? - Just shave the whole thing.

I think it's a bit different though.

- It's the exact same. - No.

- Yeah. - No, not at all.

- I have a bald face and you'd have a bald head.

It'd be great.

- But then like my whole, 'cause you'd have your bald face

but you'd have hair on your head.

- I'd shave too. - You--

We'd be matching.

- No. - We'd be a couple of Q balls.

- No, I don't wanna be. - Matching tattoos

on our heads.

I don't want you to be bald.

I just want your face to be bald.

You can keep the eyebrows.

- Oh. - Hey.

- Good color. - Yeah, you too.

Thanks, you ready?

Am I ready, are you ready?

You brought it, right?

No, no, I forgot to bring the one thing

that I was supposed to bring.

- Okay, so Caleb's on the couch, you go over there

and what you're gonna do is--

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

We got this, okay?

Okay, okay.

Ben, what's happening, dude?

You brought it, right?

Yeah, in your face, yeah, drink up.

No, no, no, no, no, all of it, all of it.

All right, so I need a favor from you, okay?

Okay.

And this goes down really, ah, ham it up

and go in that direction, okay?

I'm gonna use the commotion to get in close.

- Hey, you know this night's about Ali, right?

We're not--

I'm gonna punch you in the stomach.

What, why?

So it's authentic.

- Getting punched in the stomach and choking

aren't anywhere near the same--

Holy shit, he's choking!

Go with it, go with it.

Holy shit, someone do the thing.

- The Heimlich, the Heimlich, the Heimlich.

Oh my god.

I guess I'll just come out and say it.

- Wait, are you actually serious right now?

Mike, will you marry me?

You said you want it unique.

Yes.

- Thanks guys for coming. - Yeah, buddy.

Congrats.

- Oh my god, did you see the look on Mike's face?

Thanks again, man.

No problem.

And you're good with being my best man.

Yes, of course, of course.

Does this mean I get to decide just how fabulous

your wedding is?

- Cheers, buddy. - Indeed.

- Another, yep, yep. - Yes, yes.

You like?

Really?

Learn to love it, Ben.

Down.

One more.

Case, come on.

- So, you gonna move out when Ali and Mike get married?

Fuck, this is gonna drive me nuts.

What?

- It's only been a day and I've already had

like three people ask me that.

I mean why am I the one that's supposed to move out,

I mean we both rent the place and it's fucking sweet,

I don't wanna move, you know?

- I mean, why don't you talk to them about it,

I'm sure they won't mind.