The Last Man on Earth

Man (Over loudspeaker): Hello?

Hello?

Hola?

Bonjour?

Chinese hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Home, sweet home.

Boop.

Hello, God.

First of all, uh, apologies

for all the recent masturbation,

but I got to say, that's kind of on you.

So I just got back from traveling around the country,

looking for anyone who might have survived the virus.

Uh, put up a bunch of signs all over the place,

saying that I'm here in Tucson.

So, uh, you know, who knows?

And it's not all bad.

I mean, in the old world,

I could never live in a house like this.

And these are Hugh Hefner's actual pajamas.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

I washed them.

There are some drawbacks.

: I know you know that.

The whole women situation is...

The craps.

If you could send some my way...

Or one my way.

Oh, one more thing.

If you could please send

a special thank-you to the previous owner of my new house.

Just let him know I'm gonna take

real good care of this place.

: Fixing the toilet.

Fixing the toilet. Fixing the toilet.

Salud.

That's a $10,000 bottle of wine, by the way.

Goes great with the spaghettios.

That was, like, a $400 sip.

Not as good.

Aw, split.

Left, left, left, left!

Straighten, straighten, straighten! Straight...

Ha!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

No way. No way!

That would never happen!

Tom Hanks (Over TV): That's all that's left.

That is so stupid.

I got news for you, Tom Hanks.

I will never, ever talk to a volleyball.

No, we have time. We do!

- We have time. - Not buying it!

Balls aren't people, dude!

I know.

Balls are for fun.

Hey! Okay, I get it!

Nobody's coming!

You're not giving me anybody.

Well, guess what.

I don't even care!

I don't need people. Okay?

I can make it work on my own.

Watch me! Watch me!

Hey, Phil, what's up?

Oh, I'm great, Phil. How are you?

Oh, I'm doing great. Thank you very much for asking.

See? I'm already doing it.

Ha!

I don't need people.

I'm gonna be just fine.

Morning, Phil.

How are you, Phil?

Fine, Phil, how are you, Phil?

Phil: Hey, what's up?

Just had to get out of the house; It's been a rough day.

Hey, I'm gonna have a whiskey.

You want a whiskey, Gary? Whiskey?

You sure? How about you, Jimmy?

No? Okay, well, does anyone want a whiskey, huh?

Greg?

Kevin?

Antawn?

No? Really? Nobody?

Trevor?

Terrence?

Trent? Darby?

Bryce? Marshall?

Peter?

Thomas? Max?

Dashiel?

Diego? Clementine?

Nobody wants a whiskey?!

Okay, well, more for me.

Jerry, now, you look like you lost a little weight.

What, are you exercising, skipping carbs?

Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up.

Okay. Cheersies.

I miss breakfast burritos.

Getting mail.

Skinny jeans on dudes.

Just kidding. Skinny jeans on dudes suck.

People.

And women.

Oh, my God, women.

Oh, I would give anything to see another woman again.

I would, I would never complain about anything ever again...

If I just got to see one more woman.

Hey.

Gary, you want to come hang at my place tonight?

I mean... sh-shut up, guys.

That's really homophobic, Bryce.

Even for you.

That's her.

Well, I don't know her name.

I've never talked to her.

: No, Gary, come on!

What would I say?

I'm so bad in these situations.

There is nothing

you can say that would convince me to go talk to her, okay?

That's a pretty convincing argument.

Don't honk the horn.

Windows, right?