American Dad!

Synchro: mpm

- 53 Glock 9 mm? - Check.

- Kevlar vest? - Check.

before you wreck yourself?

- Check. - Oh, Stan.

I hate it when you go on these dangerous missions.

Honey, it's just a two-day surveillance job.

Trust me, I'll be back in time for Valentine's Day,

when I'll take you out for a disappointing set-menu dinner

at the Macaroni Grill.

For a meeting between wealthy arms dealers, this sure is boring.

Thought they'd at least have a band...

or juggling...

Juggling is amazing.

Yeah, this is a snooze-fest.

I should be rolling in the sheets with Lana from accounting right now.

Lana? I thought she was a lesbian.

She was.

Jim, your ability with the ladies never ceases to amaze me.

What can I say? I love women.

This might make me sound like a wuss, but I get off when they get off.

- Come on! - I mean it.

That's why I took that class on sexual energy.

Now I can make a woman quiver just by looking at her the right way.

Which way? First boobs, then face, then butt?

No, I mean... Wait.

Something's happening.

The guards are on the move.

But to where?

Now back to Tex 'n' Mex .

Thanks to some good detective work by me,

and to a lesser extent, my partner Mexican Joey,

the bikini thief is finally headed to jail.

I guess that only leaves one mystery.

Who ate my sopapia ?

Tex 'n' Mex did it again.

Nothing more satisfying than solving a case.

Has anyone seen my Shuffle? I can't find it anywhere.

A treasured item gone missing. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

This sounds like a case for...

Wheels and the Legman!

You know, Wheels and the Legman, the detective duo we created.

I'm Wheels, and Roger's the Legman.

We've been looking for a case, but now it appears that case...

found us.

Stop that! Look, if you see my Shuffle, let me know.

There is, madam, the small matter of our fee.

$20 a day, plus expenses.

Or that half sandwich you left in the fridge.

- That's Dad's. - We have a deal then.

Why so sad, Mrs. Smith?

It's me, Scott, from Langley Flag and Boot Cleaning.

Say hi to your husband. He's my best customer.

Stan's boss!

Francine, I have bad news.

My car broke down two blocks from here and it's just off warranty.

That's the bad news?

Well, actually, there's more.

Father Carrington?

Mrs. Smith, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to be direct.

Dear God!

I was caught having sex with a man and I'm being excommunicated.

What about Stan?

Nope. I don't believe Stan has had sex with Father Carrington.

Also, we lost communications with Stan 12 hours ago.

I'm trained for this. Step aside, please.

There, there.

We're gonna die!

I just know it! I just really do!

Stay cool, Stan. We've been trained for this.

I know! But I forget!

There's gotta be a way out of here.

You're relieved.

I think our luck just changed.

Halt!

Don't shoot.

Just go.

All right, Wheels. This is the last place Hayley saw her Shuffle.

Search her dresser for clues. I'll take the closet.

- Careful! - Sorry. I'm a little rusty.

- Just use your legs! - We can't break character!

- For crying out loud! - No, no!

I did it. Look!

A butt-print on Hayley's bedspread,

way too big to be Hayley's.

There are only two people who could leave a print that big.

Well, it's not Travolta. So it's gotta be Barry.

Mama, Stan went on a mission

and he's been missing for five days...

What's that in the background?

You're at a movie?

Well, go in the lobby! You're being rude!

I thought I'd never see you again!

There, there, Francine.

I promised I'd be home in time

to take you out for a romantic Valentine's dinner.

If I smell at all like sex, it's because of Jim.

I was on his heels as he porked our way through 200 miles of jungle.

His hips never stopped moving.

It was magnificent.

- You're... crushing me. - It's almost over.

Sorry I didn't have time to get you a Valentine's Day present.

Just having you home safe is the only present I need.

You know I'll always come back.

I know,

but sometimes I think about if you didn't.

And you know what?

I think that would be it for the romantic part of my life.

And that would be fine,

because I would have known my soul mate,

my one true love.

That's more than most people ever get.

And the memory of our love

would be enough to sustain me for the rest of my days alone.

How about you?

What would you do if I died?

I'd marry Meg Penner, my backup wife.

Meg Penner?

Wait, Dr. Penner?

Our dentist?!

Exactly, that's who I would marry next. She's my backup.

Like that extra pair of underwear I keep in the car...

just in case.

You already know who you want to marry after I'm dead?

Nothing formal.

Meg and I were talking during one of my routine cleanings.

The subject came up, and we decided that if our spouses die,

we'll marry each other.

Wait, Dr. Penner knows about this?

Francine, listen to yourself.

How crazy would it be to plan a backup marriage

without alerting the backup bride?

That would just be weird.

- Are you in love with Meg Penner? - What?

No, no, I'm not in love with her.

- Are you sleeping with her?! - Of course not!

Then why are you making all these plans with her?

Oh, baby, baby, you must have misheard me or misunderstood me.

It was probably my fault.

None of this happens until you are dead.

Stan, I want you to break off this crazy arrangement with Dr. Penner.

I'm not dead, and I don't like you arranging my replacement as if I were!

No. You're making a big deal out of nothing.

It's not nothing.

Not to a woman at least.

You think Dr. Penner's approaching this as casually as you are?

Probably. She's pretty casual.

She wears Crocs around the office.

Look, Francine, they say men who are happily married

usually get remarried right away.

So, this is actually a huge compliment to you.

There's your Valentine's Day present.

Your present is that observation.

We know you were in the victim's room on the day in question, Barry.

This is the room where I sleep in my house!

Don't get smart with me!

You wanna do this the hard way, that's fine.

I invented the hard way!

- What do you think you're doing? - I'm playing bad cop.

- You know, good cop/bad cop? - Yeah, but I'm the bad cop.

Roger, I'm the one in a wheelchair.

I'm bitter about my fate and constantly in pain

from the one-eyed serial killer's bullet lodged in my spine.

I'm bad cop.

No, no, your accident humbled you

and made you grateful for every day you're alive.

- You're good cop. - I'm bad cop!

You don't have the guts! I can bad cop better than you in my sleep.

You wanna go to jail, double-stuff? Oh, the boys'll love you in there.

They won't leave one fat fold unviolated.

Still won't talk? Maybe I'll reach out to a buddy of mine.

Dirty Cop owes me a favor.

In two hours, I can have a dead baby stuffed with heroin

planted in your mom's car. Is that what you want, wide load?!

- Put out your hands. - I made heavy pants!

I said put out your hands!

You got real pretty hands, fat boy.

Now I'm gonna make you eat 'em!

God, Roger!

All right, all right, you can be bad cop.

Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear.

I confess! I went in Hayley's room.

I like to put her toothbrush in my mouth.

It tastes like mint, and sometimes I find food.

But what about Hayley's Shuffle?

I don't know. I was just eating toothbrush corn.

Then the fish scared me away.

Looking good!