Doom Patrol

Previously on Doom Patrol...

- Who are you, again? - The Beard Hunter.

Your facial hair connects me directly to the brain stem.

- You're not in control. - Grid, stop!

Careful!

What the hell happened back there?

Ever since my reset button got pushed,

something's been wrong in my system.

The rest of the team can't know. They'll worry I'm turning into that

psychopath in Jane's painting.

If you want your life back, why don't you just call her?

- Who? - Your daughter.

What the hell is she doing with Bump?

There's supposed to be a man there.

It's like he just walked out of the comic book.

I have no say in our relationship, Larry.

Because I'm the one who actually has something to lose.

Larry, you there, bud?

It's John.

- I'll be right here. - Go.

Has anybody seen her like this before?

How do we pull her out?

Open up.

Captain Trainor, are you in there?

Who wants to know?

Military police.

Keep your hands where I can see 'em.

You asshole!

Had you going there.

How'd you find me?

Easy.

A motel in the middle of nowhere.

Not a soul in sight.

Now, you want to tell me what the hell this is?

Where we are?

- Do we care? - Hell, no.

Smell this. It smells like heaven.

Smells good.

To us.

And whatever the hell this is.

And to whatever the hell this is.

Okay, so, the truck, that made sense.

That was our place.

But this, we've never been here before, so it's not a memory.

Fever dream, maybe?

Oh. Oh.

I'm dead, aren't I?

Are you dead? What are you talking about?

Far from it.

I used to drive by this place when I was going up the coast,

and I told myself,

"Someday, I'm going to go there with John Bowers."

I guess today is someday.

So this is how you wanted it.

Are you happy now?

It's perfect.

- Let's get to it, then. - Uh-huh.

Hey. Careful. Don't choke on it.

Look at you, mother-hen. Why do you care so much?

Because I love you.

You know, I always wanted to...

What the hell happened here?

Long story.

What happened in there?

Not my story to tell.

- I get it. - -The good thing is, she's back.

And... I think she's back.

Are you okay, Larry?

Yeah.

Take me back, pal.

Please.

Please, take me back.

Protesters have gathered outside the armed robbery trial

of Steve Larson, also known as Animal Vegetable Mineral Man,

who, just yesterday, took the stand and said that he would rather, quote,

"take a bullet" than testify against his alleged partner in crime, his dinosaur head.

In other bizarro news, Florida man Bump Weathers

was massacred by a giant alligator this weekend

and died in a tragic accident.

Weathers was a long time pit crew boss to '80s car racing

phenom Cliff Steele.

Locals say that Weathers' bar, Salty Bump's,

is the hub of Cypressville, and he shall be missed.

Bump is survived by his daughter, Clara.

- You're creating disharmony. - -You're the primary.

Listen. You're the one on top.

- An equilibrium. - -The more things remain out of balance...

- There are rules. - ...the more all of us are vulnerable.

I once took a respite at Rockhaven Sanitarium in Glendale.

The food was horrendous. But Marilyn Monroe's mother

- was my roommate. - Your point?

It's essential to rest the mind.

Is that what you think I was doing?

- Resting my mind? - The point is,

now that you're up and about, I feel that you owe me an apology.

Not since I understudied Bette Davis, have I been so monomaniacally manipulated,

mind-controlled, and emotionally abused.

Karen!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Karen's cray-cray.

Yup.

That's it?

That's your apology?

Do I look like I'm living in a late '90s rom-com, Rita?

Why? Because I'm not fucking Karen!

If you happen to see her...

Sure. Mmm-hmm, except, no,

because what I'm trying to do now is stay out of my head and find the Chief,

which is why I called a team meeting!

Hello!

Jane called this meeting?

Yes. Jane call meeting.

All right, where's Vic and Larry?

Oh. Thanks a lot, guys!

We're in.

Hey, Grid, I'm here.

Probably because I removed your operating system from my body, big guy.

Huh.

Maybe it's because you're still rebooting.

Ever since we hit SOS and my arm regenerated,

I've never felt so good.

LOL.

Is that why my sonic cannon

got all jacked up with the Beard Hunter?

How much stronger am I?

But I don't see any more cybernetic growth.

Grid, please confirm.

What?

In summary, it was very unpleasant.

Dear Chief, sorry we never found you.

We have no excuse, other than we're utterly incompetent.

Oh, oh, look. We got a clue. From a teleporting, gender-queer street.

And based on Rita's description, we are now looking for,

and I quote, "A hunky fellow, known as 'Hero of the Beach.'"

Signed, the fucking totally useless Doom Patrol.

- We're not the Doom Patrol. - God, no.

We will be, if we don't get our shit together.

The Hero of the Beach is Flex Mentallo.

That's right. How did you know that?

Look at the cereal box.

- Mentall-Os! - Ah.

Oh, you know what?

You know what we need right now?

Is a man

to eat the Chief's beard hair and track his essence.

Oh, but wait.

We had an actual Beard Hunter here in Doom Manor.

A hair-gobbling bloodhound that could have led us

straight to the Chief, but no.

And what's up with you?

Bump's dead.

Bump? The guy who screwed your wife?

- You should be happy. - I am. I'm not.

I need to see Clara.

So you're gonna bail on us and go to some homewrecker's funeral?

She's my daughter.

Cliff, this is awful. You should be there.

Flit, take me to Salty Bump's.

Don't talk to Flit.

Flit, Clara's at Bump's bar

- in Cypressville... - We are not your shuttle!

Because nobody jumped in to save you when you were in need, right, Jane?

Nobody.

And I mean nobody saved me.

- I vote we take this down a notch. - -No, no, no.

Ah! Hey. Here we go!

- Where are we? - The Sunshine State.

- Florida? - Enjoy!

Deep breaths.

What's wrong? You wanted to come.

Uh, my daughter who thinks I died 30 years ago is inside that bar.

She needs someone to lean on right now.

She needs a hero! Oh!

Phew! Boy! Dizzy.

It's just nerves.

Every performer worth their salt gets them.

It means you care.

Now, stand up straight.

Repeat after me.

Red leather, yellow leather.

"Red leather, yellow..." What? Why?

Blow your lips, like a horse.

- No lips. Part of why I'm nervous. - Right.

Ah! How about take a deep, cleansing breath

all the way up through your diaphragm.

Haaaah.

Uh, I'm good.

Oh, goody, we fit right in.

Hey, Metallica!

Y'all friends of Bump's?

- Uh... - Who wasn't?

What a lovely man. Tragic loss.

Hi.

I see you're admiring Bump's handiwork.

He made this Halloween costume for my friend years ago.

- No shit. - Hmm.

- Do you mind? - What? Mind, what?

Rita.

Huh.

- Rita. - Reckon he used a Heliarc or a MIG?