Girls

- You're firing me? - No, absolutely, not.

Downsizing is different.

I have no job, no boyfriend.

It's starting to feel like I've known you and that's

Marnie!

I'm right here.

I need you.

You were there for my friend, you were only my lover

and that's now over.

I don't ever wanna see you again.

- Is that ok? - No. That's not ok.

Well, it is not your choice, it's my choice.

Do you ever find that you're attracted to women?

You should get a condom.

You did what?

Why are you freaking out?

Because you had sex with a woman.

Okay, yes. Yes, I did, George. But so what?

It's not like I'm keeping it a secret.

So what? Okay, okay.

Well, let's just leave aside the whole infidelity portion for a moment

and just discuss the fact that you had sex with a woman.

Elijah, you are a gay man.

I have always said I might be bi.

You knew that, George. I have always said that.

I just let you talk because that's what certain 25-year-old boys say

when their mothers are from Boulder Springs.

- What's her name? - Charlotte.

Charlotte. Charlotte. Fuck you, Charlotte!

I've never even met you, but fuck you!

Okay, you know what, George?

I'm sorry, but sexuality is fluid.

That's fucking ridiculous.

You come out of the closet. You don't go back in.

It's fucking stuffy in there.

Why is it so hard to believe I can get my dick up for a beautiful woman?

You could get your dick up for a watermelon.

Do not act like this is normal.

I thought this whole age thing

was not going to be a problem, but...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not breaking up with me, are you?

- I'm afraid I am. - Because I fucked Marnie?

Yes, exactly.

- You don't wanna give this one more try? - I do not, no.

- Okay, look, I made a mistake. - I know. Listen.

It just says so much about who you are right now.

I've spent so much time confused and I'm not anymore,

so I don't want to be with someone who's confused or-- or bi.

- What does that mean? - I thought you knew what you wanted.

I did. I do. I want this, okay?

So let's just move past this.

Let's-- I-- you will forget that I fucked Marnie

and I'll forget that you got drunk

and humiliated me in front of everyone that I know.

I wasn't even with her for that long.

It was, like, three pumps.

It was, like, two and a half pumps, and then I lost my boner.

- What are these pumps? - Pumps, thrusts, whatever.

Oh, dear God.

I can't imagine how Hannah must be taking this.

Oh, I'm definitely not telling her now.

What?

Oh, Christ.

Are you having a stroke?

Okay, track 10.

Am I supposed to be flattered by this?

It's scary with all the tools behind him.

He's not gonna shoot himself at the end of this, is he?

I haven't made it to the end yet.

Ugh, I've seen enough.

See? You're so lucky.

This is what happens when you break up with a sociopath.

And I know that I always said he was murdery in a sexy way,

but what if he's murdery in a murder way?

Well, at least he's speaking to you.

George won't even return my texts or my Facebook messages.

But I don't get what you did.

Who knows? Folks that old have different rules.

But it's confusing 'cause everything seemed fine with you guys.

You know what? I don't think Adam's gonna murder you,

because I just-- I just don't think he's that kind of freak.

Yeah, but isn't that what people say right before they get murdered?

Yes, but I just don't think he's in a murdering mindset.

So you basically are saying you don't think he loved me enough to murder me.

And also, you know what?

I am so glad that this is over

because this opens up space in my life

for the kind, sexy, responsible boyfriend

that I've always wanted, but never had.

Who's also a fucking Republican.

I don't get why that's such a big deal, okay?

But also, I can deal with your judgment

because I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer

ever since I cut my camp shirt into a halter top.

That is a true story.

Really stressful.

You're just a sad, limp, little glowworm.

Mm-hmm.

Are you wearing a diaper?

Marnie Michaels from Montclair, New Jersey.

You know, you have a terrific little museum there

with wonderful Native American artifacts, yes?

Yes, yes.

And we also have, you know, a light orchestra

and we have a lot of cafés everywhere.

Mm-hmm.

There's a farmers market on Saturdays.

It's more cosmopolitan now, I think, yes?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

- I used to work at the bread stand. - Mm! Mm!

- But he also had pesto and mozzarella. - Too strong.

Molly, remember what I said?

Simple-- cup, hot water, tea bag.

In, out.

In, out. Show me.

In, out.

In, out.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

And can you grab me juice number five from the fridge?

- Sure. - Thanks.

So let's see what we have.

You worked for Reese.

I did, yes.

It was a really great growth experience.

Poor Reese.

She has made some unfortunate life decisions.

Yeah, not great. She's not good at living.

You know, I could offer you a position at the front desk.

Amazing. I'm so thrilled.

- But I won't. - Sorry?

I mean, you're clearly a bright,

talented, attractive young woman.

You've got that suit.

Where does one get a suit like that?

- Ann Taylor. - Mm-hmm.

I don't see you here.

I'm not sure that I see you in the art world.

Where do you see me?

I don't know.

I really like having sex with you.

What?

I said I really like having sex with you.

What?

I cannot hear you.

- Do I look clean? - Oh, very thorough. I like it.

Where's my facial brush?

I didn't do anything with your facial brush.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I not allowed to be in my own bathroom anymore?

I don't know how you feel about being in a tight space with a queer.

- Elijah! - Really?

Are your parents Republican?

Actually, they're not, no. I decided to be on my own.

- You don't need two Republicans to make a Republican. - Oh, really?

They must be so proud of your life choices.

They're like terrorists. You don't need two terrorists to make a terrorist.

- That's great. - You don't need to have this conversation with him, okay?

'Cause people are different.

Like you were with George for a very long time

and he's still on Hotmail.

How dare you bring up George?

I heard about that. I'm sorry, man.

It was just very sudden, that's all.

By the way, have you gotten to read that essay that I gave you yesterday?

Mm! Um, not yet.

I've been busy with studying and stuff--

Busy reading a Republican quarterly?

All right, I'm not doing this with you.

And you have a good day.

- Bye. - Okay? Bye.

- See you later. - Bye.

- See you in a second. - I get this.

- I don't approve, but I get it. - Ah!

It's starting to look funny. It's too much.

You've gone too high.

It's bananas.

I so wish you had been at camp with me.

It was so amazing.

We would do water-skiing or archery for sports,

and I was one of the few people

who won badges of honor in both, obviously.

We had six potbellied pigs who would get so dirty

and we would get to take turns bathing them.

I've always wanted to bathe a pig because they're physically tactile.

It feels like a human 'cause they don't have hair.

But in actuality you're actually petting an animal.

So I think the confluence of those things

would make me experience an emotion

I've never really experienced before.

You know what I mean? I'd love to experience that emotion with you.

You'd be really good at bathing a pig.

That's so sweet of you to say.

I bet you'd be great, too. We should bathe a pig together.

- What's better than bathing a pig? - Nothing.

- Ugh, great. - What?

I just don't want to be around people

who don't hate everything in their life right now.

I really unorganized my sweatshirt drawers.

Yeah? Do you wanna pay me to reorganize it?

'Cause I really need a job right now.