The Stand Up

Someone wanted to defraud a Warri man like me.

He didn't even speak English or Pidgin, he spoke French.

‎The fraudster said, "Le fue fe te c'est…"

I do not understand French, but I decided to try to speak it.

Then I told him, "Fle te tu…"

The guy said, "Fue te c'est le fue le."

Then I said, "Fu tu fue te c'est le…"

So, the both of us kept speaking gibberish.

Then the fraudster said "Sir we're both speaking rubbish."

I stood my ground.

-Area! -Hey!

That's right.

Despite all my effort, some of you are still not amused.

Come on, bro.

You should smile a bit. At least let us see your teeth.

Please close it.

Seems like you have incomplete set of teeth.

-Area! -Hey!

You all don't like paying.

You have enough money to buy chicken and put it in the fridge,

but you don't want to pay your electricity bill.

You must pay this money. You have not seen anything yet.

You never pay your bills.

-You all should calm down. -Please. I will pay.

Hello sir.

What's the problem?

Are we quarrelling?

You are frowning so bad.

Please say what you have in mind.

Take a look at these elderly women pleading with you.

I really think you should consider their age.

Look at Papa Pinto.

It's because he can't stand, or he would be here pleading as well.

You want to disconnect his power. How would he cope?

He just got married yesterday.

How would he perform his marital duties without power? Think about it.

God will help him.

Would God send an angel to sort out the electricity?

How would the angel find his way in the darkness?

Take a look at Mama Ejiro.

Didn't you tell him your dog just gave birth?

How would I explain this to him?

-When he wouldn't let us-- -The dog just gave birth.

They don't see--

How many got lost, again? Recently, about two puppies got missing.

You all should pay up.

If you pay up, we wouldn't disconnect your power.

We rarely ever have electricity, anyway.

-That's why we don't pay. -When did you pay?

-Why are you here? -We rarely have electricity.

All the chicken in my fridge has gone bad.

-Good. -Really?

All my chicken have gone bad.

But you caused this problem, why would you lend money to someone born in May?

What has May got to do with this?

Oh you had no idea that if you borrow money to anyone born in May,

he may pay or may not pay.

-That's what happened. -So you're laughing, right?

That's the reason for all these problems, she would have paid her bills.

Please, it's enough.

Benji!

Let's go to Esisi road.

Once we are done at Esisi, we will be back.

-Please pay your outstanding bills. -Thank you.

-We will pay. -You had better pay.

You think it's because of his jokes?

You will crack jokes tirelessly but I won't laugh.

-His jokes won't save you all. -We will pay up.

But he is a funny fellow.

-You have forgotten the ladder? -Thank you!

Wow.

Why are you looking at me, this thing is totally damaged.

Can you fix it?

I don't repair tailoring machines. I'm just an electrician.

Oh, I'm in big trouble.

Okay, here's the plan.

Look, you’ll tell the customer that there's a little delay.

I really can't.

The dress is for an old soldier's wife.

Tomorrow is the deadline.

So how much does it cost to fix the machine?

-Ten thousand. -Ten thousand naira!

-Hey! -Ovie.

-How are you? -How is everything?

-I'm on my way to work at the moment. -My guy.

-Take care. -Yep!

Uncle Ovie!

My children, how are you?

-Ovie, what's up? -Isn't it quite early?

My brother, what can I do?

Madam, please give them drinks, I’ll pay later.

-I trust you. -You know how we roll.

-Good, good. -Hey, Ejiro!

Hey, Mama Ejiro.

I greet you. Good morning.

Ah. Unbelievable.

-Right… -My DVD.

What's wrong with it?

Whenever I'm watching a film, it keeps skipping.

-It skips. -Yes please.

Please just hold on to this as deposit.

-No problem. -When should I come for pick up?

-In two hours' time. -Are you sure?

-I'm the person fixing it. -No problem.

Go ahead, brother.

Little one.

Where are you?

Oh, you're at home.

I have gotten the money.

So just wait for me, I'm on my way.

He is as short as a Maltex bottle.

Curse their dad!

Who are you wearing black like Nigerian police

begging for money on the road?

Please keep quiet!

-Is that a good joke? -Give him.

He doesn’t know anything.

Do you know what they call "Kpembu"?

It is people that are short like dwarves.

Curse their father!

He has been given some action.

You're not capable, are you crazy?

You're saying you're tall.

What have you achieved in life with your height?

Looking black and wearing black.

We're not impressed.

Heartbreak, heartbreak.

Wait a minute.

-Have you eaten pounded cassava? -Yes of course.

This guy looks like a seven-day old pounded cassava.

Two-zero!

Oh my God.

Say something. Come on, say something.

Speak up, don't you have anything to say?

You said I'm short and hard like cassava, but you look soft

like freshly made roasted plantain.

‎-This is boring. ‎-Shut up.

It is by being freshly made that someone like me was conceived.

But you're the product of a pervert.

I will destroy him.

-Destroyer! -I will destroy him completely.

-You are the boss! -He's crazy.

-Destroyer! -I want to help my friend.

Come and motivate him.

Come and help him!

-Who is that? -Who is this?

-When men are talking, do boys show up? -Who are you?

Are you sure you can contend in this battle?

I'm ready.

If you're quite sure, let the battle begin.

-Contest! -He's a crazy man.

-Contest! -Wait a minute!

This is my zone.

Wait a minute.

You feel you can come out of nowhere and just challenge me?

When men are showing up, do little boys come out?

-Give him two minutes. -What is your problem?

Look at you making noise.

You've forgotten we know you are a big for nothing fellow.

It's a lot.

With your small armpit.

You're good.

How does your father walk?

Doesn't he walk like a fake walking stick?

You all should calm down, let me speak.

You all should be calm, let me speak.

Leave him. Let him speak.

-I have my winner! -Strong man!

Strong man!

Give me the money so I can leave.

‎-What's up? You're still here? ‎-Get out!

You all should leave here!

You all should leave here! You must be mad.

Where is he?

Where did he go?

Oh!

You think you can outrun us.

You were running anyhow.

Fast as voltage, you've been talking like a loose cannon.

It is your zone.

Why don't you disappear now?

Spiderman.

Chairman.

Well done, Usain Bolt.

So in this zone, I can’t have peace of mind, right?

I thought you had the courage to run your mouth.

Brother, please.

-Oh, I'm your brother now. -We were just having fun.

You want to beg me.

-The idiot wants to beg now. -Brother, please…

Okay, come and beg me.

-Okay, come and beg me. -Brother please.

Come here.

-Come over here. -I thought you were brave.

-Do you want me to hit you in the balls? -Bro, please.

You're mad.

Where is my money?

-Idiot. -This is it.

You're such a loud mouth.

You're such a loud mouth.