Cougar Town

It's beautiful.

So sweet.

So innocent.

So-- Trav, look out!

Why do you keep doing that?

Once you and Laurie have a kid,

you have to be ready for anything.

Now, if this were a real baby, it would be dead.

I'd like to think, if it were a real baby,

you wouldn't fire it across the room.

Jules, relax.

This baby is not coming anytime soon.

I mean, you can't even tell that I'm pregnant yet.

Mm.

And the great news is... That's not gonna change.

Oh, man, that's priceless.

Every first timer thinks

that somehow she'll defy the odds and keep her figure.

By the time month eight rolls around...

Fe, fi, fo, fum. What? Fat.

Even pregnant, the Keller girls always hang on to their bods.

Okay, my cousin Tina kept it so tight,

she didn't even know she was knocked up

until she dropped a set of trips

in the movie-theater snack line,

hence their names Mike, Ike, and Goobers.

All right.

10 bucks a head says that, by month eight,

I am still rocking these tight-ass dresses.

I hate everything!

_

Whatever.

No way! I miss you more.

Is he talking to Bobby?

Blue polo, really cool shorts.

What are you wearing?

Either that or he's having an affair.

Please let it be an affair.

Bobby says "Hey" from Georgia.

He's doing really great in this golf tournament.

Yesterday, he hit three birdies.

He meant the golf kind, right?

Here comes the lovely mom-to-be.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You look beautiful.

You have a radiant glow, almost an angelic--

Baby socks filled with nickels.

It's my go-to weapon from juvie.

These are gonna be hitting the faces

of anyone who pisses me off.

Being pregnant sucks!

I'm gassy. I'm bloated.

Honey, you just got to focus on the finish.

You only have one more month.

Just four little weeks, 29 days, 696 hours, 41,000--

I remember when you were just a wee scamp.

And soon, you'll be a dad.

Who's all grown up?

You're all grown up! Ooh!

Grayson, I bet you look good in black.

Feels like a safe bet.

Brand-new Italian leather.

Got it for me, but, uh, it's a little big.

Probably wondering why I bought that.

Allow me to explain.

Just tell your stupid story, Tom.

I was feeling stagnant.

Wanted a new twist on "Classic" Tom.

So I tried a couple new looks,

worked up a Scottish brogue.

Even briefly flirted with a fu-manchu.

Then I realized what New Tom really needed.

Bacon?

A pet pig.

I got the idea from George Clooney.

I call him "Sniglet."

Sniglet the piglet.

Don't act like it's not adorable.

Plus, I-I remodeled my garage to this cool bar setup,

so I figure we'll hang out here all the time.

I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back.

Whoa!

Was that expensive?

Uh, very.

You're not very good with your hands, are you?

No, my t-ball coach diagnosed me

with a terminal case of the dropsies.

Why?

A month from now, you're gonna be holding

a fragile infant life in your hands.

Do you think it's gonna be a problem?

Babies' heads are soft.

So hot, and there's nowhere to sit.

Why'd you make me come here, Jules?

To show you something.

You know, Laurie, there are a thousand terrible things

about being super pregnant,

but there's also one amazing thing.

Now, when a woman has this, she can do anything.

Ellie!

Show her how a pregnant woman gets a table.

Oh, no. Ohh.

Ohh. I'm sorry. I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh! That was amazing.

Ow. I can do stuff like that?

When I was super pregnant,

I used to just walk into strangers' houses

and take stuff.

I broke into a Little Debbie truck,

ate my weight in Nutty Bars,

and fell asleep on some Zebra Cakes.

Oh, hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-- I'm really, really pregnant.

Yeah.

Oh!

This is amazing!

Imaginary hat.

Imaginary maracas.

W-what are we doing?

So dumb.

"The Hulk isn't strong enough to beat up Superman.

But two Hulks? Perhaps."

Those are your thoughts.

'Cause you're a nerd.

Hey, what is it?

Can I be trusted with a kid?

What are you talking about?

I'm a total goof.

Crap reflexes, clumsy hands, zero coordination.

I'll clean that.

I actually get it.

I remember the first time I held my daughter.

Yes, I have a daughter. I found out three years ago.

Her name is Tampa. How come no one remembers that?

I visit her every weekend.

I have a phone filled with pictures.

Of your own abs?

Don't look at that. It's...

The point is, I can help you.

We just need to boost your confidence

with a little baby practice.

Congratulations, dad.

A word of caution.

Her favorite food is fingers.

Mmm.

What do you think you're doing?

Pretty much anything I want...

...officer... ma'am.

First, I get stripped of my pregnancy powers,

and now I have to pay a citation.

All right, I got this. It's fine.

I am miserable.

Okay, I can't sleep, I pee when I sneeze,

I've got so many tiny little stretch marks on my ass

that it's starting to look like

a diagram of the Japanese alphabet.

I have that, too.

Honey, we're all here for you.

No, you're not! And I'm suffering alone!

And worst of all, I can't do that.

I can't drink.

And it just makes me so mad that I want to--

You know what?

All right, wait. I can fix this.

Until you have your baby, none of us will drink.

You would do that for me?

Yes?

Jules. Aww!

I just can't believe

that you guys are giving up wine to support me.

Well, Laurie, that's what friends do.

They support each other.

Oh...

No matter what.

Jules, I adore you,

and I love how devoted you are to your friends.

That being said, this idea is horse crap!

I'm with Tom.

"Things Ellie never says." Am I right?

All right, guys, I know this is gonna suck.

But we have to do this for her. She needs us.

Rotten, stinking horse crap.

All right, I repeat. We're doing this for our friend.

How are we gonna go a whole month without wine?

Cheating.

Listen, we just need a place where we won't get caught,

a place that no one will look for us,

a place so utterly detestable

that no sane person would ever consider going there.

What brings you guys to my place?

You know, instead of pouring it out,

you could just not drink it.

Are you wearing a babybjorn?

Dad practice. Got to go.

For a new dad, danger is everywhere.

I'm gonna open your mind to that danger

and teach you... to see.

Gulfhaven is a system, Trav.