Getting Even with Dad

(MONEY THAT'S WHAT I WANT PLAYING)

* The best things in life are free

* But you can give them to the birds and bees

* I need money

* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* That's what I want

* That's what I want

This crazy old lady lived alone down in Fremont,

no friends, no relatives.

The day the county buries her, nobody even shows.

A couple of days later, someone from the state tax office comes poking around

and sees this trunk in her attic.

What does he find?

A mother lode of rare coins, totally uncirculated,

like they just came out of the mint.

Maybe her husband, who died a while back, had the coins from years ago.

Maybe she didn't even know they were there.

So being there are no relatives or will,

the state confiscates them, right?

And they're going to sell them, auction them off.

But before they do that, my friends,

these coins have to be appraised,

and that happens right here in San Francisco

at the Professional Coin Grading Service.

* Money don't get everything, it's true

* But what it don't get, I can't use

* I need money

* That's what I want

They're on the top floor.

Pick-up's by armored car from the parking level

between 5:00 and 6:00 in the afternoon.

Armored car.

Hey, hey, fashion plate, you get that?

Yeah, the trick is to blot. Don't rub.

I don't believe this guy, man.

It's a $60 silk tie. It's not gonna happen, Ray.

Bobby, Bobby, Carl, listen to me.

We pull this off, you can buy a thousand silk ties.

You can be the silk tie king of San Francisco, babe,

but first you gotta pay some kind of attention here.

I'm with the program, Ray. I'm listening.

Very, very, very big.

Damn right, Bobby.

That sort of looks like fun, like an amusement park.

Yeah, do I look like I care?

Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go.

* What I want

* Whole lot of money

* That's what I want

* Uh-huh

* That's what I want

So the question is, my friends,

how much was this poor old widow worth

when they lowered her into potter's field?

A million five.

That's 750 grand to us,

a quarter million dollars apiece.

Uh, who's the fence?

A guy named Dobbs. He's a real specialist, Bobby.

Breaks coins out of their holders so they can't be traced,

then he moves them to people in Hong Kong and Europe.

Yeah! There it is. It's a Latin word.

Numismatist, numismatist. A coin expert, right? Can't you say that, man?

I could have said it, but I've got pizza in my face. Coin expert.

Nah, don't get it, Bobby.

It's probably Nadine.

I thought you liked Nadine.

I do. I did.

Until she got me that stupid plant.

Believe me, when a lady gives you a plant,

it's her little way of testing you.

Like, if you can take care of it,

it's a sign to her that she can move the relationship to the next level.

Trust me, when a woman gives you something

you got to water, feed or take for a walk,

it's time to dump her.

Well, I can tell you this, it sure looks sick.

It dies, it dies.

You guys in?

Nah, not interested, really. Nah.

Get out! Come on. Yeah.

The coin auction is next Wednesday.

They're moving them from the grading service to the auction house

on Monday.

Oh, man, I love that.

We grab the stuff while they're moving it.

We hit an armored car, Ray, a moving armored car?

That is great. We need a major firearms, man.

A couple of AK-47s. They got these... Bob.

These bazookas, man,

that have pinpoint accuracy. Bob, we are not invading Iraq.

I would like to do this job without having to wear a flak jacket.

Man, besides, we'll never find one Carl's size.

Hey, don't do that! Don't poke the cake.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to do this?

Ray...

Hey, you know what? You remind me of that Michael dude.

You know, the guy that did the ceiling over in Italy. The church ceiling.

The Michael dude, Michelangelo?

That's him. That's him.

Except you, you paint with frosting.

And, you know, for my money, that's much better. I mean, this is beautiful.

Hey, don't smoke, Bob. Don't smoke in here.

Stand right here. Stand right next to me.

Did you just poke the cake again?

I was putting something back.

Stand right over here with Bobby. Come on, man, what are you doing?

To honor, to hold and to always cherish.

Come over here. Feed me, baby.

Feed me, feed me, feed me.

Submitted for your approval

Sunday, 6:00 p.m.

A lonely stretch of California highway.

Timmy Gleason suddenly realizes

he's been abducted by alien beings.

The driver says his name is Wayne.

Timmy knows he's actually a hideous blob from another galaxy.

Okay, I'm telling you right now for the last time, get that thing out of my face.

Get it out of my face.

Now sit back and be quiet.

Hey, hey! Timmy, honey, do what Wayne says.

Don't you do what Kitty says? Come here.

Sure, Wayne looked human,

right down to his bald spot,

but Timmy knew it was all a disguise.

No real human could ever eat three Double Whoppers in one sitting.

Okay, that's it. I told him no more with the bald jokes.

Come on, buddy, let's go. Give me that camera, you little jerk.

Hey, Timmy... Give it here.

Wayne! Watch out!

What are you trying to do, kill us?

Give me that camera, you little jerk!

Alien lashes out, spewing secret sauce.

Come here. Give it here.

Stop it now, please! We're okay.

Please, we're okay, honey.

Now, Timmy, shut that camera off.

There's soda all over the seat.

This car is a classic!

All right. We pull into a gas station, we clean it up. Simple.

We'll clean it up? There aren't enough towels to clean this up.

I just sat on my cheeseburger. Don't you move.

Do not move.

I just want to hose off the seat before the soda crystallizes.

We'll be fine, okay?

Here we are. Look out.

Okay, Timmy, get as many paper towels as you can. Okay, sweetheart?

Hurry it up.

Ouch! You just kicked my hand.

I told you we shouldn't have brought him with us.

Well, what was I supposed to do with him? Nobody would take him.

I'll tell you what I'd like to do with him.

I'd like to drive off and leave him here.

Hey, now.

He's walking all over the car.

He is never, never, never, never going to get this, man.

All right, Carl. Let's do it one more time, all right?

You remember in high school science class,

where the teacher did that little demonstration

with the rats and the maze?

I'm sorry. You were probably sick that day.

Look, all we're trying to do, Carl,

is create a situation

where we make the guards go exactly where we want them to go,

just like...

Rats in a maze. Yeah, right.

Right, right. Very good.

Hey, shut up, Bobby, shut up.

See, we get them to end up right here.

Okay? We do the grab.

Nobody gets hurt. Nothing goes wrong.

Oh, yeah. That's what you said when we boosted those VCRs.

Right? I did four years in Folsom for stealing Betamaxes

for Christ's sake. It wouldn't have been half so bad, Ray,

if we got caught with something you could actually sell,

you know, like a VHS machine?

Even the judge laughed at us.

That was a mistake, Bob.

And you weren't the only one doing time, my friend.

Don't forget that.

What about your guy Dobbs, huh? What if he burns us?

He's not gonna burn us.

He's the one who turned me on to it.

Bobby, come here. I'm sorry. Come here, come here, come here.

Hey, listen, guys.

I got this wired, huh?

We walk in, we walk out.

Nothing can possibly go wrong, okay?

All right, all right, all right, all right. What about this?

Oh, you know who that could be. Nadine.

She's going to be very pissed about the plant, Ray.

Ray, please open the door.

It's Kitty, your sister.

Hide that.

Ray, open up! I know you're in there!

I know you are. Open up. It's Kitty.