Back to Life

Mum, Mum, Mum! Shit!

Why can't I do anything right? Because you don't do anything right!

Maybe it's in the car and it fell out of your pocket.

I'm sure I had it.

Shit. It was my wife!

HE GROANS

Viking!

You look terrible.

But you're mine.

I know.

Hello.

You killed someone!

You're married.

Ah, fuck.

Even best friends have secrets, Mandy.

How do you know my name?

Hello, Mr Boback.

Hi, Billy.

Ah.

Bush, it-it-it smells funny.

Oh, I'll remember to wash it next time, stinky old bush. SHE CHUCKLES

It-it's, er...

..it's got powdery mildew.

Wh-what, your bush?

Oh, no, that was a joke, um, about my, um...it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry, you got... You've got a smelly bush?

Just cos you said that yours was... SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Mine's got an actual disease, Miri.

Yeah, um, I was really happy that you were talking to me and, er...

..and so then I-I just panicked and I made a really shit joke.

Oh!

HE LAUGHS Oh, I see, I get it, the...

Yeah, no, there's nothing to get, cos it's not even slightly funny.

But what I really meant to say was, it's nice to see you

and it would be great if we could maybe, I don't know,

hang out again one day. Have an ice cream - as friends.

Because I had a really nice day with you,

and I hope that you did too, so...

Can I think about it? Of course, yeah.

Right, I'd better... Yeah, sure.

Sure. Going to go.

Bush.

Look, it's ten o'clock in the morning, Caroline, my-my porridge hasn't settled.

Ow!

Oscar, you need to relax.

I am relaxed.

Oh!

HE LAUGHS Bloody hell. What are you doing, Caroline?

I'm-I'm just trying to... It tickles. Relax.

OK.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

HE FARTS Oscar.

I'm so sorry.

I will not be defeated by a fart.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Hello, there, pretty girl.

Hi.

I saw you and Billy making amends

and I want to apologise too.

I have a jealous streak.

I really appreciate that, um, and I'm so sorry too,

I had no idea that you guys were...

Let us never mention it again.

It's hard, isn't it?

Life.

Yeah.

How are you? I'm good, thanks.

Fresh start. New beginnings.

Well, it's, um, it's a lovely day, so...

Isn't it? Crisp.

Ah, there's nothing quite like winter sun, is there? Hmm.

How are you? Oh, I feel fabulous.

Thank you for asking.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Light as a feather.

Clean as a whistle, inside and out. Oh. SHE CHUCKLES

I do wonder, though, sometimes.

Oh, what do you wonder?

I wonder what it's like, being a harlot.

Slut.

Killer.

A man stealer.

Cunty head. Um...

A great big fat fucker fuckity fucker.

All right, you're obviously having a bad day, so I'm-I'm not

going to take offence.

Oh, I'm very well. Right now, never been better.

Just a woman in her prime taking a good, hard look

at a psycho, husband-stealing fuck biscuit

casually bathing her sin in the sun...

Wow...

..while she should be rotting to death in a prison cell!

That's really nice.

Look, it's not working, I-I need to get back to my...

No, it's been too long.

We need to make it part of our routine, like porridge.

Porridge? Yes.

But a bit sexier.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Slut fucker.

Shit slit.

Sorry, can you just stop it now? Stop it.

Rot. Rot, rot.

Dirty little prison killer.

You don't know anything about me. Just leave me alone.

Stop being so mean!

I know you've got a great big hungry pussy and nobody wants it.

Not my husband.

No-one!

You will always be alone!

Oh, fuck off and die!

THUD

Anna?

Anna? Oh...

Anna?

RADIO CHATTER

Poor woman. I never got to know her.

Now we definitely won't. HE CHUCKLES

Hello, Tina. Mrs Matteson, Mr Matteson.

Um, Miri Matteson, can I have a quick word?

Actually, I'm a bit late for work, so... Mm.

Apparently the deceased was talking to that psycho

that killed Chief Inspector Boback's girl.

Yeah, I'm-I'm with her now, Rick.

So, er, apparently you were the last person to speak to the deceased.

Yeah, we, er, we did converse, yes.

Right, and what was said?

Er, we just had a chat, yeah.

Yeah, what did she say? Said it's nice weather.

Well, yeah. Yeah, it is lovely.

So, I said, yes, it is and then said it was crisp.

Crisp? Yeah. Yeah, it is crisp. Mm-hm.

Er, yeah, she seemed, really, very lucid.

Interesting. Yeah...

Um, but then...she sort of changed tack. OK.

So, conversationally, it went in a different direction. SHE LAUGHS

OK. In sort of... For example?

Slut, whore, shit slit, dirty little, er, husband fucker,

rot, rot in prison you killer, killer, killer,

killer, killer, killer....

Killer.

Killer. Stuff like that.

Right. Anything else? SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Um... Come on, it is important.

She said that I...

She said that I had a great big greedy pussy, so... OK.

Is that true?

What? Sorry? What? No!

All right, calm down. It's a fair question.

I am calm.

Right.

And, um, what was your response?

I didn't really say, ah...

SHE MUMBLES

No, I mean, did you say anything to her before she died?

Er, fuck off and die.

I mean, I'm aware that doesn't... doesn't sound very...very good.

No. But you can see how I got there. You know, I just... I snapped.

Snapped! Right. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, my God.

No, no, or yes?

No, well, yeah, no, but just... This is...

Can I just say that this is incredibly...

This is really rubbish for me.

Worse for her.

Well, let's just see what the coroner's report says, yeah?

Oh, come on, you can't, like, you know, like, with words...

That's just....

Ah, sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

OK, well, we all know that isn't true.

Tina tiny tits, you're so weak, you're a freak.

So you smile through your tears and you just say,

"Words will never hurt me."

And then, um, and then you become a policewoman with a truncheon.

So, er, I'll be in touch, yeah?

OK.

Billy, I can explain everything.

Just leave me alone.

I'm so sorry. SHE SIGHS

DOOR SLAMS Oh, Christ.

Billy I'm not a bad person, it was just a very,

very unfortunate coincidence.

Shit.

INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER

What? Show's over, go and have your breakfast.

Ah, you found me, then.

I'm so sorry, I had an awful morning.

Thanks for coming back.

So, um, what happened to the shop?

This is the shop now.

Yeah, it's much better.

Nimbler. You can't drive a shop around.

Are you sleeping here? A bit...

It's fun.

It's like bivouacking. Oh, my God, it's because of me.

Look, it's not easy having a murd...

Murderer or murderess, which do you prefer? Neither?

Erm...a killer front of house.

Puts people off, unless it's Halloween

and you're making a thing of it. Anyway, they will come round.