Family Guy

¶ It seems today that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ¶

Ah. Nothing like drive time radio

to remind me that I don't make enough

to afford satellite radio.

Hey-hey! You're listening to WQHG 97.1,

and we are Devin and Lawrence,

formerly known as Weenie and The Butt.

That's right, Devin.

Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women

came forward with allegations of sexual misconduct

against each of us.

De-De-De-Devin and Lawrence!

¶ Sexual misconduct ¶

¶ 97.1 FM. ¶

Rebranded to phase out Weenie and the Butt!

¶ WQHG 97.1. ¶

They got Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd!

¶ But there were still six months on their contract ¶

-¶ Overlooking that for now. ¶ FM!

Devin, Devin, Devin and Lawrence!

Court-ordered overcorrection!

Damn it, what's wrong with the AC?

And don't forget, Quahog is expected

to experience record-high temperatures this week,

according to our respected meteorologist

Dr. Jessica Sturgess.

Formerly known as Weather Girl Aah-Ooh-Gah Knockerson.

Sir, could you please roll down your window?

I can't. I spilled honey on it and it won't move.

Please just step out of the vehicle.

Sir, you were swerving back there.

Plus, you're drowning in sweat. Have you been drinking?

No. I don't start drinking till... until the drive home.

Why are you slurring your words?

Sorry, I had Cap'n Crunch for breakfast.

The roof of my mouth is in shreds.

I find that story relatable.

You're free to go.

Man, I can't believe that cop thought I was lying.

The only time I lie is when I play poker.

It's make-or-break time.

$75 million at stake.

Betting starts with Peter Griffin.

Ooh, he's not looking

at much of anything right now. And those mirrored sunglasses,

not doing him any favors.

All in.

Got to take this. It's my wife.

Are you here?

Okay, you two just hang out in the store

while I return this keyboard.

I'm going to watch the older boys play Fortnite,

because I'm not old enough to play Fortnite myself.

Hi. I'd like to return this keyboard.

Was there something wrong with it?

Well, it said it was designed for writers,

but when I sat down to work, it just wasn't flowing through me.

- Do you have a receipt? - Uh, no.

Uh, no. Can't you just look it up?

Do you have the credit card you used to pay for it?

I actually paid using store credit for another return.

Do you have the original packaging for the item?

No. No, that's...

that's probably with the receipt.

Manager who's dishearteningly younger than me

to the service counter, please.

This better not be another overring.

Corpowate's gonna have my ass.

Well, we can probably throw out this sunflower butter

now that Stewie's classmate with the peanut allergy died.

Oh, there you are, Peter. Listen, I need you to...

Why are you so sweaty?

The AC in my car broke.

Not from the honey.

And fat-guy sweat is like a battleship.

Once it gets going, you can't just turn it around.

So until the weather cools off,

you're gonna be dealing with a slippery walrus.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I see a potential rival

to my beach supremacy.

Now?

No, let them tire themselves out.

Dad, what are we doing here?

Now that I sweat all the time,

it's just natural that I be a very sweaty bomb defuser.

Steady. You can do this.

All you gotta do is remember the song you learned in bomb school.

¶ Green is good and green is good ¶

¶ And red is good and yellow is good ¶

¶ And clip whatever you want. ¶

Now, who can tell me what he did wrong?

He made up a song about cutting wires?

He made up a song about cutting wires.

Don't do that, guys.

We now return to Indiana Jones

and the Temple Beth Shalom.

You must be Mr. Jones.

It's Dr. Jones.

Oh, a doctor.

You should meet my frumpy daughter.

Wow. What are you all dressed up for?

Well, thanks to my car's AC breaking,

I've been asked to be an overly sweaty Southern lawyer

during a landmark civil rights case.

Mr. Griffin, you may proceed.

May it please the court, Your Honor,

opposing counsel, members of the jury,

Madam Stenographer, Bailiff Clarence,

Snack Cart Steve,

elderly widows with paper fans,

woman in the third row with a flower hat,

Deputy Fife, Boo Radley,

Yay Radley, Herman Munster judge,

lazy dog who wandered in due to the heat,

crazed Al Pacino, old Robert Duvall,

young Robert Duvall, in-between Robert Duvall,

the books of John Grisham.

The defense rests.

We now return to Jesse Eisenberg

and Emma Stone in Opposite Eye Sizes.

Sorry, guys. All I have left

are one pair of extra-large contact lenses

and one pair of extra-small.

Uh, we'll be fine.

Well, I just got off the phone with the electronics store.

Your stupid fight caused $3,000 worth of damage.

Well, I'm not very good at math. Y-You lost me.

- A thousand dollars. - Wow!

- Another thousand dollars. - Oh, my goodness!

A third thousand dollars.

Now you lost me again.

I don't think Chris can count to three.

How are we gonna pay 'em back?

Whoa, what do you mean, "we"?

Yeah, do you expect all nine of us to chip in?

Come on, we got to think of some way

to raise that money in a hurry.

Good afternoon, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story: actor, director and odd-nostriled punch line

Zach Braff has successfully Kickstarted another movie.

The shameless film star

who made a movie college kids used to like

is again asking people who have less to give him more.

That's it! We'll set up a Kickstarter

for the three grand we need.

But, Brian, people don't just donate money on Kickstarter.

It has to go toward some sort of project.

Okay, then we'll say we're making a movie.

And who will we get to direct?

We'll raise the money we need, pay back the store,

and then e-mail the backers, saying we ran into trouble

and couldn't finish the project.

Great idea, Brian. Much better than that version

of Free Solo narrated by a concerned Midwestern mom.

Oh, that's too high, Alex.

That's too high. Oh, I can't watch.

Now, now, why wouldn't you just have

a nice lunch at Applebee's?

I like that bird, though.

Griffin, why is this floor wet?

Oh, sorry, that's from me.

I-I got a little perspiration problem.

Hey, what time is our meeting, Oscar?

It's... Aah!

Sorry. What time is our meeting, Aah-scar?

Damn it, Griffin, you've become a liability in this office.

- Why? 'Cause I'm drunk and have a gun? - No.

- 'Cause of the cocaine? - No.

'Cause I use office petty cash

to have sex with high-end escorts?

No. But your perspiration has become a serious problem.

I'm afraid you're going to have to work from home

- until you get it under control. - All right, if you insist.

Hey, Candy, sorry I couldn't finish

'cause I'm so freakin' gacked on ski powder.

I thought the gun would get me there.

Anyway, here's the office cash.

Careful of the wet floor. You're pregnant.

So, Dad, are you excited for your first day

- of working from home? - Yes, but I'm very late.

Busy dad morning goodbyes.

Forgot my phone.

Are you here?

So, Mom, you're okay with Dad working in the house

- all the time? - Oh, yeah,

it's nice having a coworker.

'Cause being a housewife is a full-time job.

For some pretty tough bosses!

Hi. So, is this your break time?

- No, sir. - Oh, okay.

I was wondering if my watch was off, maybe.

- It's not. - You see, Mom,