A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Come in.

Hello, Father. Mother said you wanted to see me.

Yes, yes, come in, Timothy.

Erm, just wanted a word. I wondered if you could... Oh.

Oh, damn this drawer! I just don't seem to be able to open it.

I wonder, would you mind?

Yes!

Yes, it's true! Every word is true!

I tried to fight it, but I knew it was useless. It's true!

Father?

Timothy, it's time you knew who you were.

- I know who I am, Father. - No, child, you do not.

I'm Timothy Forrest.

No, I wish it was so, but no.

Sit. Sit down.

Twenty-five years ago,

the doctors told your mother and me

that it would be impossible for us ever to have children.

Oh, why not?

I can't remember the exact reason. It was something to do with penises, I think.

So we decided to adopt a child.

I see.

- And you chose me? - After a great deal of shopping around, yes.

From a new edge-of-town orphanage that had opened just outside Royston.

Well, did they tell you who my real parents were?

Please, Timothy, let me tell this in my own way, in my own time, in my own clothes.

I'm sorry, Father.

On your seventh birthday a man called round to this house.

His name was Furlo Roth.

He took out a small multi-bladed knife,

and he placed it in this drawer,

the drawer that you have just opened, Timothy.

He then closed the drawer

and said that only the Chosen One would be able to open it.

You, Timothy, you are the Chosen One.

I am?

And this is Berwhale the Avenger.

The weapon of the Chosen One.

Tomorrow is your 25th birthday,

and you must leave us to go in search of Pewnack the Destroyer,

the Dark One, the Beast.

- Golly. - When the fourth moon of Trollack

rises above the Cylinder of Eyelass then Pewnack will strike.

His kingdom shall be numberless

and darkness will blight the land.

All men will be slaves and the time of weeping will begin.

Only the Chosen One can stop him.

So it is written in the runes of Ollerman-Goth, so it must be.

And only Berwhale the Avenger can pierce the armour of the beast.

I knew it!

It sounds funny, Father, but in my heart I knew there was something.

I realise now that I've been waiting for this moment all my life.

Yes! Yes, it must be so.

So where will I find this beast, this Pewnack the Destroyer?

He lives far beyond in Saffron Walden.

Saffron Walden, right.

You must go there.

Surprise is the key.

If he knew that you were after him, he would set the minions of Threek on you.

Become a part of the community. Get a job in a canning factory.

Bide your time.

And how will I know this Beast?

Only Teece the Wise One can tell you.

- Teece? - Teece.

After six months, when you have been accepted by the Saffron Walden community,

then Furlo Roth will call on you

and show you how you might find Teece

and together set out on your quest to rid the worid of Pewnack forever!

Yes, yes it shall be done!

Now, take Berwhale the Avenger,

go upstairs and wash your hands for lunch.

Right.

Well?

I think he swallowed it.

Thank God.

Get that lazy little sod out of the house and earning his living.

Well, we had our first child on the NHS.

And had to wait nine months. Can you believe it?

I found young people are no longer enticed into the church

on the promise of guitars and a little folk music.

We have to move with the times.

We've started showing leather and bondage films in St Barnaby's

and the results have been very good.

We were packed last Sunday. Mostly young Conservatives, but it's a start.

Well, I looked over at my friend Suzy

and her body was there but her head was right over there.

It was quite a weekend, I can tell you.

I think, in 50 years' time, people will be saying.

"Whatever happened to the traditional English McDonald's?"

Eh? It's a thought, isn't it? Eh? I mean, think about it. It's a thought.

Do what, eh? Well, it is a thought, isn't it? Right?

All right. I mean, do what, turn it up. Right?

This woman is very upset. We think you should hear her story.

- Now, Sally... - Sarah.

Sarah. Damn!

Sarah.

Would you like to tell us what it is that's upset you like this?

No.

- You're too upset? - Yeah.

Right. Sarah's too upset even to talk about what it is that's upset her.

That's how upset she is.

Would it be all right if I told the viewers what it is that's upsetting you?

No.

Right.

Right. Well, you can see for yourselves that Sarah is immensely upset,

so upset that she won't even let me tell you on her behalf what it is that's upsetting her.

I think I can, however, give you the very barest details.

- Basic... - No, you can't.

Right. No, absolutely not.

The thing is they're, um...

They're probably all a bit curious to know what it is that's upsetting you now

and, you know, if I... I'd be letting them down if I didn't tell them something.

Oh, but you can't.

Okay, okay.

- So, I... I can't even... - No, no...

Right.

What are you doing?

- Nothing. - Were you telling them what's upset me?

- No. - Good.

Well, I mean, you told me not to, so obviously I wouldn't.

Right.

You bastard!

- What? I wasn't doing anything. I... I was... - I trusted you.

Well, good. I'm glad 'cause, you know, I trusted you.

I don't want your trust.

Right. Well, I think... I think she's gone upstairs, so...

Basically, I can tell you that what happened was she was...

Hello, I wonder if you can remember what you were doing

at half past three on the 16th of August, 1977.

I remember exactly. I was revising for my insect-killing exams.

In those days you could never really call yourself educated

unless you knew how to kill wasps.

Anyway, as I say, I was swatting away for these exams

when I felt a sudden rush in my soul,

a sense of something incredibly beautiful and mysterious passing into me.

An extraordinary feeling,

not unlike an evening with Cliff Michelmore but somehow more peaceful.

What could this feeling portend?

Two hours later I discovered its meaning exactly.

For it was precisely at that time

that Elvis Aaron Presley died.

I knew then that the soul of Elvis had passed into me.

And since that day I have, more or less, been Elvis.

I've spent nearly all my time stuffing my face with ice cream and Big Macs

and popping Percodan and Quaalude pills.

It's eerie, isn't it? Extraordinary.

But I am, of course, not the only person into whom Elvis,

with his customary generosity, breathed his soul.

#And I love you so

#All my dreams fulfilled

Behold. This court doth find itself convened under the eye of God,

this day of our Lord, Tuesday, which is called Tuesday.

So be it. Be it so and not otherwise.

- Nay. - Moo.

As witness my hand hereunto bearing the great seal of Rotherham.

Meow.

All those who do have righteous business before these presents

either make sign or say this court nay.

- Or moo. - Or, possibly, moo.

- The charge. Make known the charge. - Fourteen guineas per calendar hour.

- Cheap. - Woof.

Be it known and appended in these, our records, that this chalice of Ultra Heat Treated milk,

being appointed in the wisdom of our Lord God

to accompany the coffee of the most reverent and holy Bishop of Uffington,

did fail to yield up its juices, therefore most basely causing

that holy and right goodly man

to snag his fingernail against the tab, the which is provided for the opening, thereof.

- Unto. - Of it.

Slightly.

This snagging the devil having achieved,

for it must right wise be known that the devil hath possessed this chalice...

- Or pot. - Hath possessed this chalice or pot.

The lid did open in an irritating little V shape

and did most lewdly disgorge its opal fluids

upon the chaste and seemly waistcoat of our most godly bishop.

Thereat proving that the pot is a most wicked pot!

- Or chalice. - A most wicked and contumely pot or chalice

wherein Satan doth play Jackalawkins.

- This being said... - And neighed.

This being said and neighed unto the articles whereof it is written,

it should be said and neighed we do make most erotic demand

that this chalice or pot and its milk and contents

be cast into the chasting dish

thence to be tossed unshriven and unhouseled into the condign flames

whence they most surely rose.

Prepare the chasting dish.

The chasting dish is prepared.

The chasting dish is prepared.

- The opening! The opening! - The opening and the pouring.

Bugger.

There's no such thing as bad publicity, they say.

Try telling that to Frank Bough.

I... Personally, I think sandwiches actually taste better out of Tupperware.

Because I love the smell. I just...

I... Oh, I love that.

Yes, it... It is nice, isn't it?

There's a little man in the village who runs up my skirts.

Yeah, it's... It's mostly legwork, this job.

Alan, my dear boy. Good to see you. I hope you don't mind, I was just...

What the hell are you doing here? How did you get in?