Mike & Molly

All right.

This should be more than enough kibble

to last until I get back from Branson.

One bowl in the morning and another one at night.

That's easy to remember... My sister's on the same schedule.

It's that kind of flipping attitude

that will put Jim on a missing dog poster

or spread eagle in a car grill.

She cannot be trusted with your little brother.

Don't worry about anything.

Just relax and enjoy your trip.

Well, the Altar Rosary Society

has been planning this senior excursion for ages.

In fact, the lady who spearheaded the whole thing

went toes up last month.

Oh, that's tragic.

We're still taking her with us.

She wanted her ashes scattered in the sawdust

on the dance floor at Gilley's.

That's nice.

Well, she loved to boot, scoot, and boogie.

Plus, she was an alcoholic who never met a cowboy

she couldn't buck before the bell.

- Sounds like a sweetie. - I didn't care for her.

Anyway,

make sure Jim has got his chew toy.

Otherwise, he'll be whisker-deep in his poop-shoot.

Mike's exactly the same way.

I've got to put Tabasco in his underpants.

You know what, if yuck-a-puck can't keep a cork in it,

I'm just gonna stay here.

No, Mom,

it's good for you to take these little trips.

When you go on vacation,

it's kind of a vacation for all of us.

Peggy, relax.

We're gonna take wonderful care of little...

Mr. Fuzzyface here.

Don't call him silly dog names.

It just embarrasses him.

Either call him by his Christian name, Jim,

or his full name,

James Douglas MacArthur Biggs.

Jim it is.

All right, we're out of here.

You just have a good time

and we'll take great care of him.

Hopefully, it'll teach you silly hearts

some responsibility for when you decide

to have your own little 14-pound miracle.

Well, I'm sure if we ever have kids,

we'll look back on babysitting your dog

- as a valuable learning experience. - Hmm.

What do you mean, "if we have kids"?

- You mean "when," right? - That's what I said.

- No. You said, "if." - What's the difference?

"When" means we have to figure out the right time

to have them, "if" means you and I need to talk.

Aw, I hate it when we need to talk.

When were you planning on dropping this bombshell?

On our honeymoon when you're double-bagging your junk?

Why are you harping on this?

You know how I am.

Crap just falls out of my mouth.

It's your fault for listening.

Forget something?

Oh, I was just teasing him.

You know how brothers are.

Just giving you the business, James Douglas.

You're lucky you're neutered.

I'm just saying, with the wedding and everything,

don't we have enough crap to worry about

without bringing kids into the mix?

I'm not asking you to plant your seed on the ride home.

But I-I'd like to know that you're open

to having a family. Yeah, I guess!

I don't know. If it happens, it happens.

Do you have any idea how this works?

Did you sleep through health class?

Look, we don't even have our own place.

You really want to raise a child

in a house with your mom and sister?

His first birthday party will be at the Betty Ford Clinic.

When I said

I wanted three kids and you said "sounds good,"

were you just saying that to shut me up?

If I was, it clearly didn't work.

We are getting married in a few months,

and I'd like to know that these breasts

are gonna bring happiness to someone besides you.

When did you become so baby crazy?

Am I gonna have to sleep with one eye open

so you don't steal my sperm?

You're gonna have to sleep with one eye open

so I don't smother you with a pillow!

Oh, ha, ha. Real mature.

Ha, ha. Real mature.

You forgot the dog again.

No, you forgot the dog.

Great mom you'd be.

- Morning. - Morning.

I heard screaming coming out of your bedroom last night,

and it didn't sound like the good kind.

Do you want to talk about some of the disturbing things

I've heard coming out of your bedroom?

"Hot buns coming at ya."

Really, Mom?

You're the one who gave me the chef's hat and apron.

To be used in the kitchen!

I would, but I don't want you kids walking in on us.

Morning, Mrs. Flynn.

Hello. Yeah. Whatever.

How'd you sleep, Mike?

Back-to-back.

Not gonna have a baby that way.

Unless he's some kind of circus freak.

Have a pleasant morning.

Good day to you. Yeah, whatever.

Okay, want to talk about it?

No.

He's been leading me on this whole time,

making me think he wants a family,

and now he's backpedaling.

Remember when I took you kids to the circus

and we saw that big bear on a unicycle?

Hmm.

W-What does that have to do with anything?

Beats me. It just popped in my head.

I'm not getting any younger.

And if we want to have kids, two girls and a boy,

Charlotte, Zelda, and Scott,

he's gonna have to get on the stick.

Technically, you're the one who has to be on the stick.

I thought we had this talk.

Yes, we did when I was 12.

I just got over it about a year ago.

I'm just saying,

you can't plan these things.

I mean, take me for example.

I never wanted children.

What?

Hell, no!

Only reason you're even here

is because of too many tequila shots

and an expired gas station condom.

Oh, God.

Don't want to know, don't need to know.

Oh, geez.

I was a wreck when I found out.

I mean, you know, I'm happy now,

you were a blessing, blah, blah, blah...

But, oh boy,

those were dark days.

Mom, f-feel free

to take some of this to your grave.

The real fluke was your sister.

Your daddy and I were watching the Cubs on TV

and there was a rain delay.

The ground crew had time to roll out their tarp,

but your daddy and I didn't.

I walked this ugly bastard nine blocks

and he wouldn't squeeze one out.

Nary a turd.

I, on the other hand, had to duck-walk

to the 7-Eleven and take a crap

with a dog on my lap.

I'm gonna...

just go to work.

Oh, have a good day.

You know, in the last couple of years,

you girls have really started to grow on me.

I'd pet you, but...

I'm actually more of a cat person.

I'm not saying I don't ever want to be a dad.

But I'm not just gonna blindly jump into it.

I'm the kind of guy that likes to think things through.

Since when? I once saw you bite into a marshmallow

that was still on fire.

It was falling off the stick.

I had to do something.

The point is, I really like what Molly and I have.

And if we throw a kid into the mix, it'll change everything.

Well, that's true. No more naked leap frog in the living room

when little Mikey's in there watching Road Runner,

and gnawing on a big wheel of cheese.

Well, our foreplay

usually just involves me rubbing her feet

and turning off the TV, but I know what you're saying.

On the other hand,

you and Molly are good people

and would certainly make fine parents.

But that doesn't guarantee what kind of kid you're gonna get.

Take that idiot we arrested this morning.

I'm sure his parents are lovely people

who never imagined that one day the little bundle of joy

would try to rob a liquor store using an ear of corn.

His mistake was taking it out of his pocket

and trying to fire a warning shot.

No, his mistake was waking up this morning saying,

"I'm gonna knock off a liquor store with an ear of corn."