LA to Vegas

How was your date last night?

Oh. Another guy turned out to be gay.

Are you still using my Tinder account?

I told you it's not like Hulu. We can't share a subscription.

Looks like Captain Dave is late again.

- Always does this. - Then he waltzes in and says,

"Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time."

That's not a time zone; it's a tragedy.

Oh, finally.

Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time.

- Well, see you later. - Ah, hold on.

Why are you holding a bag

like someone who's never held a bag before?

All right.

Truth is I've finally found my Achilles' heel.

It's my Achilles' wrist.

- Ouch. - Wait, it gets worse.

- That's my high-fiving hand. - What happened?

I was walking down the street and I saw some poor schlub

trapped under a giant armoire.

I knew my only two choices were

to heroically lift the thing off him

or to cut his arm off with my pocketknife.

So I summoned up all of my strength,

but alas, my will was stronger than my wrist.

Anyway, the important thing is I'm all patched up now

- and ready to go. - You can't fly.

No, but until I can, I'll have to settle for

piloting a plane. Let's do it.

- Dave. - Oh, this is exactly why I was hiding it.

I knew you two were going to be dicks about this.

Sorry, got to call it in.

Come on, Bernie, you can't ground this eagle.

It needs to soar. You know I can do this.

All right. Let's give it a try.

You know he's just calling in a replacement, right?

Yeah, I know. Can you at least sign my cast?

I have a date tonight and want her to know I have friends.

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

Attention all passengers,

we are now boarding...

Whoa, bag!

What's in them?

Just some toys.

Toys. That's fun. Can I look?

I just-- oh.

There is many games. You know what game I like?

The one about the hippos that are so very hungry.

- You know this game? - Perhaps, not touch these.

They're presents for my son's birthday.

Birthday? Fun.

You know, at my club Grapefruits,

birthday boys get half off lap dances.

Dads pay full price to watch, though.

He's three.

He is three or he's turning three?

I think I'm going to go through security again.

Just for fun.

On my third birthday, I dig hole for swimming pool.

On my fourth birthday, I find out it's mass grave.

You know what? You should tell him.

- Bad news sounds better coming from you. - OK.

So, Judases, did you find my replacement?

Ronnie?

Yes, we did, but you are not going to like it.

What? Who is it?

Captain Steve.

Captain Dave.

Looks like I'll be taking over the reins this weekend.

Tough break on that wrist.

I'd say, "No pun intended,"

but I knew what I was doing.

And this must be my new flight crew.

Good-looking pair. You got names?

- I'm Bernard. - I'm Ronnie. Hi.

Is it suddenly very hot in here?

It is.

Oh, hey, Dave, didn't see you there.

You just said hello to me.

Heard about the divorce.

How many is that for you? Four?

Excuse me, try three.

It seems no woman could ever understand

I'm married to the sky.

- I'm married to a model. - A catalog model.

Internet catalog model.

The whole future, it's all online.

- So true. - Blogs.

What are you even doing here? You don't fly domestic.

No.

The international skies are my playground.

Then I got this call, and I figured it'd be a great way

to get back to my roots, my American roots.

God, I love this country.

Well, I'll be back in action any day,

so don't get too comfortable.

I'll try, but you know me,

I'm comfortable anywhere.

I exclusively use public restrooms.

Yeah. I'm always looking for the next big thing.

I mean, landing on water, it's been done.

Sully did it.

So I was thinking, what's the next thing we should land on?

I say, the sky.

I have no idea what that means,

but I like how close I feel to you.

- Hey, fellows. - Captain Dave.

How are things going in my cockpit?

Great. Captain Steve let me wear his jacket.

Look how floppy my arms are.

Shouldn't you be at home resting up that wrist?

Not that I'd know. I've never broken anything,

- except a few hearts. - I can believe it.

I thought I should fly with you this weekend, you know,

in case you had any questions or you died.

I'll just third-wheel it in the jump seat.

Oh. Yeah. Sorry, the jump seat's occupied by my copilot.

A 200-pound kettlebell?

Great. That's embarrassing.

Now everybody knows how much I lift!

Anyway, you can fly with us,

but you're going to have to ride in the cabin.

The cabin?

You want me to sit in that flying refugee camp?

They made these tickets way too cheap.

- Right there. - I'm so sorry,

those seats are taken.

Maybe just find two other seats?

Yeah, OK. Ah, sorry.

- Your pants are on fire. - Sorry?

Oh, my God, you just lied to them.

Well, yeah, clearly. They're both very shady.

And also, I'm kind of preoccupied

with finalising my son's birthday party.

He's turning three.

Oh. That's a cute age,

is something people say, right?

I don't know anything about kids.

It's his first birthday since his mother and I separated,

and I think I've rather outdone myself.

Check out the play gym I've booked.

Now, there's a puppy playpen,

a cake pit, and all the princesses

are actual descendants of exiled royalty.

Wow, that sounds a lot better than my third birthday party.

God, what a disaster.

You remember your third birthday?

Only 'cause my mum taped it.

Then the tape was later used in the trial.

It was also the first time I smoked Marlboro Red.

My family was a little trashy.

I grew up near Bakersfield.

Our town mayor was a Harley-Davidson.

Sleep when you're on the ground.

You're in the air, for God's sake.

Show some respect.

Are you seriously going to fly back and forth all weekend

just to keep an eye on him?

- You have a better idea? - Yes. Don't.

You don't know.

What's with this thing?

If it's off, it's too hot. If it's on, it dries my eyes.

You people live like animals!

Thanks for all your help with Captain Steve.

- What the hell happened to you? - I couldn't help it.

I'm very single, and that silver fox has a strong back

and could probably carry me across a river.

Be a modern woman and carry yourself across a river, Ronnie.

I don't understand. What is your problem with him?

He thinks he's so much better than me

just because he finished first in our flight class,

and beat me out for the international route,

and won Jackpot's Sexiest Pilot award six years in a row,

despite me killing it in the talent category.

Oh, Dave. Nobody wanted to see your Magic Mike routine.

Yeah, that was all Mike and no magic.

This was the one place where I didn't feel

like I was in Captain Steve's shadow.

Well, I'm not letting him take that from me, too.

I can fly this plane, and I'll prove it.

How many push-ups you want to see me do?

- 600. - None.

One!

OK.

I can't do a push-up, but my wrist is fine.

It can do everything it used to do.

I can do the Dirty Dancing lift.

Bernard, run to me!

No.

Dave, go home. Get some rest.

Nobody puts Bernard in a corner.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

- Hi. Thank you. - Hi.

Oh, that landing touched me.

Did we land? I didn't feel the wheels touch the ground.

I know. Usually, I have to take pills to feel this way.

And don't forget who gave you those pills.

So, what'd you think of the L.A. to Vegas flight?

Pretty boring, right?