2 Broke Girls

Hey.

What are you doing back so early?

Did Chestnut forget his wallet?

No, we saw that cat we don't like.

I tried to spray it with a water bottle,

but it just laughed at us, so we ran.

What are you doing out here?

Enjoying the day.

The coming of autumn is my favorite time of year.

I love the leaves.

Oh, gross! A condom!

Wow, I guess autumn really is coming.

Who would throw that over our wall?

- That cat. - What?

He's not only arrogant,

he wants us to know he has sex.

All I know is, if I had nine lives,

I wouldn't wear a condom.

Hey, you know, we should start figuring out

what to do with Chestnut this winter,

now that it's already peak condom dropping season.

You're right, Chestnut is the most important thing.

But more importantly, what do you think

of this vintage sweater I chose for my date with Andy?

It's nice.

But won't it be hard to pull off over your head in the cab?

I'm assuming you'll do it in a cab.

Max, it's a first date. That's not appropriate.

Is it?

I mean, I've never dated poor.

What is acceptable on a first date?

Well, I'm pretty classy, so anal?

I'm not that poor.

Well, you better give him something

to keep him interested because he owns a candy store,

and I want free candy forever.

There he is.

Can you bring him out in the yard,

so he can see me in my sweater next to my horse?

Okay, freak.

But next time a guy comes knocking for me,

you have to take him to my bedroom,

so he can see me in my slayer shirt

next to my glo worm filled with pot.

Hello, sir, I'm here to pick up your daughter.

And what exactly are your intentions?

I don't know.

Maybe take her on a romantic hayride,

knock her out with chloroform,

and sell her kidney for a new iPad.

Son!

Come outside.

Miss Channing wants you to see her

looking like the girl who got cut

from the J. Crew catalog for being too white.

Miss Channing? Max, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Caroline is Caroline Channing Caroline Channing?

Yeah, she used to be a billionaire,

but now all her money is in here.

Oh, wait, some of these are buttons.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, I just thought she was a regular Williamsburg girl.

No. She doesn't try that hard.

And I was wrong.

Oh, hi. I didn't hear you knock.

Well, you two have a good time.

And, young man, if you don't swing by your store

and bring me some Pixie Sticks,

you'll never see my little girl again.

Way ahead of you.

Yes!

Yeah, definitely anal.

Oh, baby.

Look who's a half hour late for work.

Must have been a pretty hot date with the candy man.

So did you touch his whatchamacallit?

Did you bring him to Almond Joy?

His butterfingers got nowhere near my mounds.

Now, if we could be adults for a second--

Well, your mounds are more like Sno-Caps,

but continue.

Well, nothing happened.

Even after four hours of me breathing heavily and saying...

"I'm having a really good time."

Look, I don't want to be this girl, but I think--

think he might be gay.

He's gay because he's not turned on

by four hours of coffee breath?

What's up?

I'm having a really good time.

I must go to the men's room right now.

That proves nothing.

Oleg is always looking for an excuse

to put it somewhere.

Why do you think we don't serve bagels any more?

Andy is not gay.

And I'm not just setting you up for a life of confusing,

self-questioning non-sex for the free candy,

although that does sound like me.

He is really into you.

He might be into me,

but he doesn't seem to want to get into me.

Maybe he just wants me as a friend.

No way.

You are, like, 80 pounds and a coke addiction shy

from being qualified to be a gay guy's female friend.

What's so important you two have to be in here

gabbing like schoolgirls when there are customers waiting?

If you must know,

Caroline and I were discussing if someone we know is gay.

I once had

a homosexual experience in college.

With another girl?

No, there was a boy who was interested in me.

He was captain of the football team.

He would come to my dorm room

and ask me to do his homework,

and then he would leave.

Oh. Never mind.

I never had a homosexual experience.

Keep wearing those sweaters, Han.

It'll happen.

And if you think your life sucks now,

it just got worse.

Look, a new hipster strain. Ironic Amish.

No way.

I'm taking care of these two butter churners right now.

Look, I'm telling you what I told Mumford & Sons,

get out.

Go. Go, you hipster Amish wannabes.

But we really are Amish.

Yes, we're here on Rumspringa.

And I'm here on a little bit of vodka.

It's sort of like what you might call Spring Break.

We get to leave the ways of the Amish

and experience the modern world.

Well, I beggeth thy forgiveness.

Haveth a seat-eth in the booth-eth.

Have a seat in the booth.

Earl, I got two Amish in my booth.

Well, you let them know right up front

that we don't accept travelers checks or livestock.

So Amish, huh?

Yes, ma'am. From Pennsylvania.

"Ma'am"?

You know what, that's kind of hot.

I always thought I'd have to wait

20 more years to be a cougar, but, rawr, here I am.

Why don't I bring you boys some coffee, on me?

We can't drink coffee, ma'am.

Coffee is the Devil in a cup.

We can do whatever we want, Jacob, we're in New York.

Yeah, Jacob. Listen to, uh--

- Jebediah. - For real?

Did you see the size of her nursers?

Those guys are for real Amish.

I love the Amish culture.

You love every culture.

You salute the flags at IHOP when we walk by.

Oh, my God. That's it.

Max, question. What are the Amish known for?

Oh, no. It's sixth grade all over again.

Just give me an "F" and move on.

Barns. They build barns, and we--

We need a barn for Chestnut.

Come on. And let me do the talking.

I am very good at manipulating young boys.

I once got a ten-year-old I was babysitting

to buy me a box of Pop-Tarts with his allowance.

So this is our place. Not much, but--

You have so many possessions. Are you rich, ma'am?

Yes.

And I have to say, this "ma'am" thing

is still working for me.

Um, okay, Jacob. That's enough with the lights.

There will be plenty of time for fun with electricity tomorrow,

but it's late.

Let's discuss sleeping arrangements.

You two can sleep out here,

and Max and I will sleep in her bed.

Does that work for you?

Both: Okay.

Oh, sorry. I left my bra.

Your-- your b-b-bra?

Jacob, stop acting like a child.

I'm sorry about him.

Don't be.

At least it was her bra.

Mine would have killed the kid.

So I was thinking we could drive our truck

to my Uncle's lumberyard in the morning

and get the wood for the barn.

Okay, but there seems to be plenty of wood right here.

Oh, hello.

Don't be embarrassed, Jacob.

It's perfectly natural when you're exposed to new things.

The first time I saw a picture of those fat twins on scooters,

I was hard for days.

Why don't you two go outside and play with the horse?

Both: Okay.