Ellen DeGeneres: For Your Approval

If you have never seen Ellen do stand-up live,

you are in for a treat tonight.

Two minutes.

... her first appearance on network television.

Would you welcome Ellen DeGeneres.

Wouldn't it be great if we could pick up the phone

and call up God and ask,

"Yeah, hi, God. This is Ellen."

"Ellen."

"DeGeneres."

"DeGeneres."

"W-What's so funny?"

"I never thought of that. It does sound like that, doesn't it?"

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 today. We don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen is on the fast track.

She's one of the top female comedians on television.

Ellen's new sitcom is a certifiable top-ten hit.

The real Ellen is putting all that success and fame at risk.

Susan...

I'm gay.

More than 36 million people watched her coming-out episode.

Why did you think it was necessary for you to come out?

Because it's okay.

Ellen finds herself at the center of a storm of controversy.

Being accused of going too far, too gay.

When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?

She may have pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time.

The Ellen Show has become one of the most popular shows in the world,

praised for delivering a daily dose of joy

with its unique mix of dancing, games,

talk, and millions of dollars in audience giveaways.

Spreading laughter seems to be working well

for the entertainer and comedian,

and she's showing no signs of slowing down.

A few years ago, I started ending my show by saying, "Be kind to one another."

Here's the downside, um,

I can never do anything unkind ever now, ever.

Breaking news tonight.

Is the queen of nice

really the queen of mean?

Respond to this with the most insane stories

about Ellen being mean.

She's not the happy-go-lucky nice person...

Ellen DeGeneres is under fire again

with accusations of a toxic work environment.

Toxic. Phony. Hypocrite. Liar.

Things are spiraling.

Ellen DeGeneres... DeGeneres... DeGeneres...

It's a breaking story in the world of entertainment,

and this is great, great news.

Ellen is back.

Although, she's saying this new special will be her farewell.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much. It seems like you still care.

You know, I used to say that I didn't care what other people thought of me.

I realize now, looking back, I said that at the height of my popularity.

If I look older than when you saw me last,

it's because I'm older than when you saw me last.

And also, I stopped doing Botox and filler.

Yeah.

I used to do Botox back when I didn't care what other people thought of me.

That's when I did it.

Such a waste of time to worry about what people think of us.

Just a waste of energy. We're just guessing. We don't know.

It's impossible to know what people are thinking.

I walk out here tonight and I'm hoping that you're thinking,

"This is marvelous. I'm so happy to be here."

That is my hope, but...

Well...

Good.

But some of you could be thinking, "Let's see how this goes."

Some of you may be thinking,

"Why is she doing this? Does she owe back taxes?"

I'm here because I love doing stand-up.

I miss doing stand-up, and I like making people happy,

and I do care what people think.

We all care what people think.

We can say we don't. We can pretend we don't care.

All it takes is trying to parallel park in front of a crowded outdoor café.

Spot looks big enough.

You line it up the way you always do. You pull in, cut it a little too close.

You're scraping the hubcap the entire way along the curb.

Making a very loud noise.

Put it in drive, pull out. Try it again.

Now you've overcompensated.

You're sticking so far out, you're blocking traffic in that lane.

Now you have a decision to make.

Do you have the confidence to pull out and do it right this time?

Or do you do that back-and-forth, back-and-forth, back-and-forth...

inching your way to the curb?

Knowing how long that's gonna take, and people are watching.

The deep shame you feel when you give up and drive away.

Even if you're meeting someone, you say, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't make it."

And they're like, "You did. I was sitting there, I was watching you."

"I started the chant."

It's funny how we can be embarrassed all by ourselves in a car.

All by ourselves, for anything, just any stupid reason.

Like, even if we just can't figure out how to turn our windshield wipers off.

Which, to me, is one of the most embarrassing things,

is driving a car when it's not raining and the windshield wipers are going.

And it's because someone decided to add a random one.

We had... The windshield wiper situation was fine.

We had the fast mode for when it's raining heavily, medium, light.

And then someone decided

we're just gonna wash away the rain once in a while.

We don't need to see all the time.

And it's always a surprise 'cause you think the rain has stopped,

you've turned it off and you're driving along,

and five minutes later, you see this thing, like...

Then you're trying to fiddle with it, trying to turn it off,

and you don't know how 'cause it's always different.

Sometimes it's on the end of the lever on the steering wheel.

Sometimes there's a lever within the lever, the baby lever.

Like the lever had a baby and it's inside the lever right there.

Tiny baby lever.

You don't trust it 'cause you're just waiting...

Even if it's not going, you're like,

"It's gonna go again. I know it. I feel it."

And then finally, it does, and then you feel pretty confident about it.

Then you catch the rearview mirror, your back one's been on the whole time.

Yeah.

That's what you did. You turned that one on.

You turn that off, turn everything back on again.

You have to sell your car.

There's so many extraneous things in a car we don't need.

For instance, I have never used my parking brake.

I've never parked my car and thought,

"I want it more parked than this."

There are things you need, the seat adjustments.

Scoot forward. Lean back. You need those.

Then there's that one button that inflates the back of the seat,

the one that makes you feel like you're getting spooned by a pregnant woman.

"Oh boy."

"Ooh!"

"All right."

Apparently, it's for lumbar support.

Got to support your lumbar.

You got to.

It's all any of us knows about the lumbar.

It's got to be supported.

You don't get support for your lumbar any place other than your car.

You don't even hear about the lumbar anyplace else.

"Bill, what's wrong? What's happening?"

"It's my damn lumbar."

"I haven't been driving enough lately."

Mm.

That's how you walk when your lumbar is out.

There are buttons in my car I've never used, never will use.

There's a button with squiggly lines next to a misshapen peanut.

I don't know.

I've never touched it.

I'm fine.

There's a button with tally marks next to a sideways yarmulke. What the hell?

Don't get me started on the dashboard lights too.

The dashboard lights are not illuminated all the time.

So when they are, it must mean something serious, right?

But "check engine"? That's vague.

I've checked it. It's there.

I shouldn't have to guess from an exclamation point

between two parentheses that my tire pressure is low.

But if my windshield wiper fluid is low, all the words,

"windshield wiper fluid low."

"Oh, my God. Pull over!"

Just 'cause I don't know my buttons, doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Just means I'm not interested.

We're all interested in different things, all good at different things.

I was talking to someone and they said,

"I don't know how you get on stage. I could never do that."

I said, "Well, I don't know how you dry-clean clothes."

Clean clothes dryly.

And then you Martinize on top of that.

Some of you are in your twenties. You don't know what Martinizing is.

No.

It's not my job to explain it to you.

Also, I don't know and I never have.

Yeah.

None of us do.

Let me catch you up on what's been going on with me since you saw me last.

I got chickens.

Yeah.

Thank you. I love them so very much.

Chickens are the best bird to have at home, I think so.

A lot of people think parrots, but they're so gossipy.

You have to be really careful what you say around them.

Chickens will never talk.

They have little personalities.

I've always wanted chickens. Now I have them, they're so cute.

They see me. They recognize me when I walk towards them, and they run to me.

I put a swing in there for them, and they get on a swing.

Chicken on a swing. That's ridiculous.

I have a bench in there and I go sit there,

and they sit on my lap, and I pet them and they fall asleep,

and they give me an egg every day.

They lay an egg every day.

As someone who hosted a daily talk show, I can really appreciate that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sure they're thinking, "I just laid an egg."

I don't think I can do that again tomorrow."