Cougar Town

What is up with the cop uniform?

Aw, this is from when Grayson proposed to me,

but lately, we've been using it for,

well, you know how we do.

Role playas.

You have the right to remain naked.

How would you like it if we talked about our sex life all the time?

Oh, come on. - No. Don't. No, no, no.

Great. They're grossed out by the thought of us naked.

Not us, my friend.

Newspaper jinx!

I win. Come on, guys. Hand 'em over.

Sweet, triple coupons.

Tom, do you think you could

turn that new fountain off every once in a while?

Why?

I sleep with my windows open,

and it just makes me have to pee constantly.

What just happened? Was that magic?

It's the damn bicycle boys.

They found a shortcut to the new mall.

What new mall?

They built it right behind our neighborhood.

You signed my petition trying to stop it, remember?

No.

The bicycle boys are bad news, Jules.

They--They write "don't" on the stop signs.

They call anyone over 20 "grandpa".

They... made my garden gnomes gay.

Actually, that was me, Tom,

but those bicycle boys--

they picked the wrong cul-de-sac.

Duck! - What?

A new mall? That's horrible.

Do they have hot dogs on a stick?

No! We are against the new mall, even though

they have an awesome men's store called "Short And Wide".

I believe we just found your new nickname.

Fine, but I will still gladly take on

the burden of handling the bicycle boys.

Short and wide fancies himself the protector of the neighborhood.

I'm more like the king.

I do everything around here.

No, you don't.

Who got us all new recycling bins?

Who writes the Cul-de-sac's Weekly newsletter?

Who got the permits so Tom could put up his fountain?

That thing undid six months of potty training for Stan.

Andy, you're talking about manual labor.

Kings didn't build the pyramids. Slaves did.

Or aliens.

You know, I wine-watched a documentary last night,

and it's all a little fuzzy.

Come back, sweetie. Bring your point with you.

Sorry.

I am the king of the neighborhood,

because I take care of the people.

Who saved the Goldsteins' marriage?

Who stopped Mrs. Rose from her suicide attempt?

She was gonna jump off her shed.

She was holding scissors.

Okay. Let's take it to a vote.

Okay, all that think Andy is king of the neighborhood,

raise your hand.

Grayson, count those.

Give me a sec.

Zero.

And those who think I am king.

All hail King Jules.

Come on!

Bye, S.W.

Okay, dad, stop posing.

The assignment is to take a picture of a stranger

working in his natural environment.

You're not supposed to know you're being photographed.

I see the camera right there.

I see your dilemma.

Can I wear the pirate hat?

No pirate hat.

This is gonna be a boring picture.

Crazy idea--instead of cheating on your assignment,

how about--get this-- not cheating?

Yeah, that's not really an option with the old, uh...

skull fracture.

You want to see what happens when you try to take

secret shots of strangers while wearing a helmet?

"Daddy, look!"

"It's Dork Vader."

"It's Dork Vader."

I got that one a lot.

Okay, here. Bobby.

Go like this. Purse your lips a little, like...

What? It's--It's what we did

when I was an underwear model for Montgomery Ward.

You just tried to slip that one in there, didn't ya?

There are two types of underwear models--

front guys and butt guys. I was both.

He said proudly. All right. Dad.

Grayson in bikini briefs-- think about it.

Whoa, it's not a sad thing.

Laurie, why are you texting me?

And you sent me a nude picture of yourself?

You just got photo bombebe

Check out your downstairs.

Someone's an artist.

Thank you. - Dear god, jelly bean.

Why would you risk having a picture like this get out?

What risk?

The whole world saw paris Hilton's Berts and Ernie,

And now she's rich.

Yeah, and now she's rich.

Jules put naked pictures of herself online.

That was an accident.

Apparently, anyone can call themselves

an "online dermatologist".

Now I have Ellie check my downstairs moles.

Nothing good comes out of

letting nude pictures of yourself out in the world.

You are so wrong, and I'm going to prove it.

There's this army guy in Afghanistan

that I met on Twitter.

He's been asking for a skin pic,

and now I am about to oblige.

"Send".

Don't worry. I kept it classy.

Covered up my Berts.

Single-nerped him. Just a peek.

You're a dummy.

It's amazing you got this from a stranger.

The sea has taken so much from him, and yet...

it's all he has.

Do you really think so?

No. Head of my department was walking by.

I wanted to sound smart.

Oh, come on. Don't go sensitive artist on me.

Look at me.

Wow, it is not easy to have an honest moment

with a kid wearing a helmet.

Um, I'll push through.

Okay, so usually when I tell students their work moves me,

I'm lying to spare their feelings.

There's a lot of criers at this school.

But your work does move me.

Thanks.

Professor LeClaire?

Everyone hates my photo essay.

Oh, Franklin, no, no, no. It's wonderful.

It's not. It's bad.

Hey, Sig.

You know that dream when you're falling and you won't stop?

I kind of feel like that all the time now.

Why is that, Helmet?

For starters, people call me "Helmet".

Also, I'm cheating in my favorite class with the only teacher

who has ever believed in my talent as an artist.

I'm not sure how it could get much worse.

Trav.

I'm in love with that gal.

There it is.

Well, you fancy yourself the king of the people.

So go ahead. Handle it.

I will. Hey, guys.

Guys.

Those are cool bikes.

You know, when I was a kid, I had a Huffy.

Her name was "Sparkly Thunder".

Anyway, instead of going through our yards...

What are you doing?

Oh, well, that's cute.

Well, I'll just wait here till you get bored.

Got all day.

Stupid fountain. Do you really want to see

a middle-aged woman pee right here in the street?

Yeah. I-I'd want to see that, too.

I call bathroom. - I call window.

Fine. I'll go downstairs.

That's it. This ends now.

The bicycle boys stole my fountain.

No.

Come on! - Damn them!

Oh! I am sorry for your loss, Tom.

You're a good friend.

I really am.

Now let me say what we're all thinking.

Wine fountain.

Okay, we have to do that.

Agreed, but first I need help

figuring out what to do with the bicycle boys.

You know, you could always-- - I'm sorry.

I almost forgot-- I already fixed it.

Meet Officer Pumpkinhead.

Those boys will see him,

think the place is crawling with 5-0, and move along.

There's no way this works.

Wait. I want to say it with you.

Come on!

Guess what?

No, thanks.

The army guy and I stayed up all night tweeting,

and now we're dating. It's actually pretty serious.