Offspring

Most parents are bursting with wishes

the day their baby's born.

What do we wish for our little Nina

as she ventures forth into life?

We want our daughter to discover a challenging career she loves.

- Yeah. - Her own home,

financial independence, straight teeth.

And to find a good and honourable man.

Yes.

Preferably an absurdly attractive one.

Careful there.

Shit. You're tempting fate.

It's an unfair amount of happiness for one person.

You okay?

Does the adoring man have to be quite so lovely?

What are you thinking about?

Oh, you don't wanna know.

I do.

I wanna know what goes on inside your head.

Say nothing.

I imagined a bomb

squelched me into a gelatinous mess.

Because?

Because my life's going too well.

It means I'm inviting disaster.

I'm wondering,

what could we...

do...

to get your mind off such unpleasant thoughts?

Any suggestion?

Good sex as well.

Ah. Whatever.

I-I was thinking we should have a nice dinner, the four of us.

You know, me and Mick, you and Patrick.

A happy couples' dinner.

Would that be flaunting your happiness

in the face of destiny?

- What's with the face? -Hm?

You're not wide-handling this relationship

-with your brain, are you? -No.

It's going well.

Are you having sexcapades?

Well, as a matter of fact.

We Proudmans all have a high sex drive.

I've never been like this before.

I mean, the smallest thing sets me off.

If we watch a romantic film. If we watch a sad film.

Well, that's hardly surprising, 'cause a weepy movie--

We watched an incomprehensible film about robots.

What?

Oh, we were just sitting here the other day.

I was eating Ryvitas.

Oh, don't tell me Ryvitas are an aphrodisiac too.

I was making monster crunching noises.

How many times a day?

Two. Three.

Well, now, you're just boasting.

Well, you asked. What, do you want me to lie?

-Now you sound smug. -I'm not smug.

-It won't last like this, you know. -I know.

-Won't it? -No.

So, are you saying that he's--he's good at it--

Yes!

Ah. I am victorious.

I am sweaty.

I--

Oh, hi, Billie.

Hey.

Hello.

-Is something wrong? -No.

I know, I stink. I'll jump in the shower.

Nina, hi.

Do you want me to leave immediately,

so you can go in there and have sex with him?

No. We're not insatiable animals.

I mean-- Well, anyway, you and Mick--

Me and Mick haven't had sex in three weeks.

-Oh... -Three weeks.

Oh. But, that--that's--

-Three weeks isn't such a-- -It is for me and Mick.

I mean, sex has always been our strong suit.

But ever since the wedding night, it's just been... off.

Oh.

I came home early from the office a few nights.

Mick's been working so hard lately.

And I try staying awake

when Mick has a late gig.

Then I had a cold.

And Mick too.

Mine must be swine flu.

And then there was the night where we played cards

with the tenants downstairs.

I just can't believe you chose that moment to play the left down.

And then last weekend, we had a real togetherness effort.

You know, we cooked this special Thai banquet.

And we'd both been chopping up a lot of chilli.

-Get the yoghurt, quick! -Yeah!

Oh.

Remember, all couples go through--

Don't use the counselling voice on me.

I... am gonna rearrange my schedule...

so that I can have intercourse with my husband.

-Bye. -Bye.

Here you are, living in the present.

There's no reason to assume you're gonna be pulverised...

Still need to watch for oncoming traffic.

- Hey! -Hi.

- Good morning! -Morning.

I keep avoiding her, because I can't work out.

Do I tell her or do I keep it a secret?

You know my stance on this issue.

Tell Nina the truth.

"Blood types indicate that you cannot possibly be Darcy's child."

But he's her dad in every way that counts.

I mean, what's anyone got to gain by exploding that right now?

Well, one could argue--

You know, why is it always me

that hurls the grenades into the Proudman family?

Hm. An unwelcome burden.

I don't want to be that person again.

Every individual has the right to know his or her genetic origin.

As an adopted child, you must appreciate

the imperative to offer full disclosure.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

But it feels extra mean to tell her when she's so happy.

I--is it better to tell her when--

I don't know.

Wrestling with a moral dilemma, you...

are even more electrifying to me, Cherie.

I will tell her just not right now.

I'll find the perfect moment to drop this bomb.

I just have to keep my mouth shut till then.

Oi!

Ah, Jim.

I just popped in to bring Zara some breakfast.

Hey, sperm boy.

What have you got there?

Thanks, Jimmy.

The sire of Zara's baby.

Is he good breeding stock?

Well, yes, Kim. I think Jimmy did inherit

strong genetic material.

Mm. This is delicious.

It's rich in folate and calcium, which you need when you're pregnant.

What exactly is the arrangement between you two?

Well, when the baby's born,

I'm gonna be the full-time nanny.

Who would also happen to be the baby's father.

So, you can come back to work whenever you want to.

Excellent.

I reckon I could make a good nanny.

I think you're gonna be great.

Is there any chance of this becoming a proper lovey-dovey relationship?

-Maybe. -No.

Anyway, I can't hang around. I'm taking on heaps of work

to sock money away before the baby comes.

The, uh, pregnancy books

reckon we should collect our family medical history.

Only--only if you want.

See ya.

Speaking of pregnant women,

Panicky Petra is coming in to be induced.

Oh, please don't give the patients derogatory nicknames.

-Hi again. -I, um,

I just have to-- women, babies--

Does she have a problem with me?

Oh. Don't imagine trouble when it may never eventuate, Nina.

Just inhabit the present moment,

with joy.

Where's my man?

Gone to buy mulch.

Mick reckons he's got you helping on two jobs.

I'll take all the work he'll throw my way.

Yeah, just make sure you don't kill any more of Mick's clients' pets.

I won't.

Well, I've got some other pregnancy books