Mike & Molly

Come on, pick a lane, you jackass!

Mike, why are you in such a hurry?

We're having dinner at your mom's house.

You should be trying to drive over nails.

We can't be late now that my mom's dating my boss.

If we're not there on time, it goes on my permanent record.

Well, if it's gonna make you crazy,

why'd you accept the invitation in the first place?

It wasn't an invitation. It was a direct order.

The captain walked into the locker room and said,

"Biggs, dinner at your mother's house.

Don't be late and for God sakes, cover your privates."

He saw you naked?

I just got out of the shower, and you know I like to air dry.

Only too well.

You know, you could have just told him we had other plans.

We do it with your mom all the time.

In fact, isn't tonight our weekly tango lesson?

You know, we're gonna pay for that one day.

When we least expect it,

she's gonna put on a Samba record and say,

"Show me what you got."

It's the pedal on the right, you idiot!

Mike, quit yelling at that woman.

She's a poor, old lady with a handicapped sticker.

Well, she got a pretty spry middle finger.

Back at you, Witchy Poo!

Look, do me a favor.

Just don't butt heads with my mom tonight.

Hey, I have never been anything but sweet to that...

let's just say... woman.

I'm sorry, but even Gandhi would take a swing at her.

True, but for the next couple of hours,

just try to turn the other cheek.

So, you want me to just sit there while she treats me

like some loose whore that stole her son?

That'd be nice, yeah.

Oh, and tell her she looks pretty,

and how much you like her tuna noodle casserole.

Oh, God, tuna noodle casserole again?

It's her signature dish.

Hey, maybe you could ask her for the recipe.

Or I could just dig the can of Campbell's soup

out of the garbage and read the back.

Molly.

Okay. I will be nice to your mother.

Sweet as pie.

Hey, green means go, you fossil!

Yeah, I got a middle finger, too!

Oh, your mother's a hell of a cook, Biggs.

If I'd been raised on this kind of grub,

I'd probably be a roly-poly, too.

I've actually lost another two pounds this month, sir.

Well, hopefully those four helpings of casserole

you had will keep the wind from blowing you away.

You know, Captain...

Molly, he's pulling my leg.

My big, fat leg.

Let me grab that from you.

You've been

slaving away in that hot kitchen all night.

Thank you, Patty.

I am a little tuckered, especially after

washing all those dishes, and with no help from anyone.

I believe I offered to lend a hand, Mother Biggs.

I'd just have to rewash 'em anyway.

She's better with a credit card than she is with a sponge.

Boy, she's a keeper, huh?

Don't let that fish flop out of the boat.

So, Margaret tells me that you young people

are trying to start a family.

Ah, that is correct, sir.

We've eliminated all forms of birth control,

and we're fornicating on a regular basis.

Wow. Everybody needed to know that.

Hey, you guys want to see my ovulation charts?

She's... she's kidding around.

Anytime she says something

that makes you uncomfortable, she's joking.

Oh. MOLLY: That's me.

Family clown. Honk.

When I first met her, I thought she was on drugs.

Jury's still out.

Well, I think family is the most important thing in the world.

As long as you can provide for them.

I agree, sir. We both do.

Sure.

But it's not easy raising a family

on a straight cop's salary.

Especially when you've got hungry mouths to feed.

Don't I know it.

Mike's dad walked the beat his entire career.

Meanwhile, we had a kid at home who was teething on ham bones.

Come on, Mom, don't exaggerate.

Exaggerate nothing. I'd toss burritos in his playpen

so he wouldn't chew through the bars.

Um, you might want to consider

taking the detective test.

It's an extra $20,000 a year.

Plus, we're always looking for some sharp, young men.

$20,000?

Sharp, young men?

20 grand would buy you a lot of shoes, wouldn't it, Queenie?

Oh, Momma Biggs, I hope our children have plenty of time

with you before you pass.

Anyway...

something to think about.

Yes, sir. (chuckles)

Whoa.

This pooch is breaking wind something fierce.

I better take him for a walk.

Thanks, Patty.

Since I switched him from the dry to the moist,

he's been tootin' the brown whistle.

Put your coat on, Biggs.

You're on doodie duty.

Yes, sir.

Be good training for a detective.

Learn how to bag the evidence.

Oh, Patty, you're a stitch!

Your boyfriend has a gun, my husband has a gun.

How do you want to play this?

Thanks for putting up with my mom tonight.

It's all right.

I'm sure the bite marks on my tongue will heal.

How about when they both came at me to take the detective test?

Crazy, right? I'm not detective material.

Well, clearly your captain sees something in you that you don't.

My captain's sweet on my mom.

He sees things nobody sees.

Mike, you are a great cop and a smart guy.

Plus, an extra $20,000 a year would come in handy.

Do you know what I'd have to do in exchange for that money?

Detective stuff?

Exactly.

Plus, they'd make me wear a suit,

and tying that tie's gonna add 30 extra minutes to my day.

Well, I think you'd make a great detective.

Remember when somebody stole your ice cream sandwich

from the freezer, and you figured out it was Victoria?

Yeah, that was easy.

Your mother doesn't eat, Vince wasn't home,

and there was chocolate around the rim of Victoria's bong.

Case closed.

You know, her big blunder

was trying to hide the wrapper under the couch cushion.

But some savvy sleuth knew to look there, didn't he?

Well, the key is to get inside the criminal's mind.

Think like they think.

And that's where I hide my wrappers.

Well, as your best friend, I have to tell you,

you're not cut out to be a detective.

Really? Well, who was the one

who found that old lady's cat the other day?

Oh, come on. That cat wasn't missing at all.

It was hiding under that batty bitch's housecoat.

Yeah, but who thought to look there?

Nobody in 50 years.

And just because you heard a meow

and saw a little tail flapping...

that doesn't mean you're Sherlock Holmes.

Clearly, the captain doesn't share your opinion,

because he's the one who suggested that I take the test.

And there it is.

Your future stepfather is gonna pull some strings

and push your big ass up the corporate ladder.

Well, it doesn't take a detective to figure out

that somebody at this table is a little jealous.

Look, I'm not jealous of you at all; And if anyone

at this table should be a detective, it should be me.

Samuel, come here.

Come on, Carl, let it go.

And what is the topic of today's pissy bitch fit?

Let's say you were brutally murdered.

Shot in the head, then dragged into the walk-in freezer,

only to be found days later, bloated and frostbitten.

Did I forget your hash browns again?

'Cause you can just tell me.

Leave me out of this.

Of the two of us, which one would you want

investigating your heinous and senseless murder, him or me?

You two are my only choices?

Okay, well, between the two of you, I'd have to pick...

my ghost.

You can't do that, because your ghost was a witness,

and would have seen the whole thing.

Didn't think of that, did you?

You got me there, Scooby-Doo.

Well, thanks for this fun game of Clue,

Colonel Mustard-On-His-Shirt and Professor Plum Nuts.

You see, what would make his murder a tough case is

that everybody who eats here has a motive.

I understand that you're upset,

Mr. Mayor.

Trust me, we've got our best forensics team

analyzing the samples.

As soon as